Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-10-2012, 01:19 PM
Sugarbooger's Avatar
Sugarbooger Sugarbooger is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Crazytown
Posts: 30
Default The Super Awesome Jealousy Thread

I'm sure there are others, but is there a jealousy thread that is super awesome?

Sigh. Does it ever go away? I'm much better about the other two having a night to themselves, but I still feel a little bile rise to the back of my throat. I HATE feeling this way. I had a nightmare where I yelled at them both and woke myself up kicking and screaming. C'mon, how old am I?

I want to be able to turn it around before my spouse gets home. I want to be able to be okay when the three of us go out to a party tonight. On the inside I'm still a little resentful because I want him to get his OWN girlfriend, and well--he's not going to be in that place for a while.

I know jealousy is super awesome because it forces me to look at my fears: fear of not being good enough, fear of not being loved, and fear of losing what I have. I get that. I just hate it when it is visiting me.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-10-2012, 04:29 PM
nancyfore's Avatar
nancyfore nancyfore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 162
Default

I think continued reading and communication will help, but I dont think its something that can be cured by tonight. It takes time to understand all the dynamics that cause the jealousy and alot of communication to help you be more secure. Hugs..
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-11-2012, 12:22 AM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 212
Default What are your plans for tonight?

That's a tough place to be in; not necessarily going to get better/go away entirely any time soon. For me it's all about self care when that stuff comes up; doing something physical to help move those emotions through the body (jog, go to a yoga class, do a hardcore workout video, have a hot bath and a cool drink and do some serious deep breathing). It's about respecting the limitations within your body/mind by doing caring, self loving things while those emotions are happening - ie, the way that we rock babies when they cry to comfort them - rock & hold yourself, have a good cry, write down some points to take to a counsellor at a later date. Love & take care of yourself, and know that you're worth every second of self care that you can give yourself when you're feeling vulnerable and lost/jealous/fearful/angry/etc.

Instead of trying to work so hard on those emotions and eradicate them, my question is this.... what are your plans on their night together? Do you book fun friend nights, sleepovers at a friend's place or anything of the like? Is it time for you to negotiate another relationship for yourself so that you have your own nights with another partner too?

If you make it about what you're doing for yourself, and give that self care to yourself, you might jes' find that the fun that you have on their nights together starts making you look forward to your time with yourself/friends/family. reward yourself with love, care, time and attention for being such a giving, sharing, loving partner, and know that the way you feel is NATURAL.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-11-2012, 01:37 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 104
Default

I spend most of the week away from the guys at work. They're home having fun little adventures and it's not that I'm jealous of them spending time together, I'm upset it can't be the three of us. However, restarting one's life in a new career means sacrifices...for now.

Here's how I deal: I do all the uber-geeky things I know they wouldn't want to. Go play bingo - you betcha. Make puzzles and listen to goofy podcasts? Check. Go to plays? Sold. Catch a flick with subtitles? Sure enough. That way, I'm creating good memories and experiences for me, not focusing on the negative of the separation.

When T and I are together, E grabs his favorite fast food and lets the cats spend the night in the house with him.

When E and I are together, T tinkers on this and that or goes about fixing things.

Basically, the way I think about it is date nights aren't only for couples. Sometimes you need to remember to, ahem, love yourself in whatever dynamic you're in. Sometimes that means a good cry with a pint of Phish Food. Othertimes that means watching a TV show you know your others aren't crazy about...you get the idea.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-12-2012, 06:04 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

It might help to read some other threads on "jealousy." See what you can find in the tag section. It can be found in the search engine on the tool bar.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-14-2012, 11:45 AM
Sugarbooger's Avatar
Sugarbooger Sugarbooger is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Crazytown
Posts: 30
Default Thanks for the feedback!

Thanks everyone. I really need to just let things be what they are instead of constantly trying to fix them. Bad habit. Fixer-fixer, tsk tsk.

I tried to have someone to come over and spend the evening with me and the kids, but it didn't work. I ended up falling asleep just fine, then had that dream. When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours. I started feeling super insecure. She reminded me it wasn't a contest, but I just have this awful fear that someone will want out because they'll realize they can get a better lay elsewhere. I know, totally irrational--but it is a fear. Sigh.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-14-2012, 12:19 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarbooger View Post
Thanks everyone. I really need to just let things be what they are instead of constantly trying to fix them. Bad habit. Fixer-fixer, tsk tsk.

I tried to have someone to come over and spend the evening with me and the kids, but it didn't work. I ended up falling asleep just fine, then had that dream. When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours. I started feeling super insecure. She reminded me it wasn't a contest, but I just have this awful fear that someone will want out because they'll realize they can get a better lay elsewhere. I know, totally irrational--but it is a fear. Sigh.
I hear you. I am the exact same way. Make a mistake and do all the wrong things to fix it and make it worse.

Don't get caught up on the sex. I did and it ended poorly.
__________________
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-14-2012, 12:31 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 414
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarbooger View Post
When I asked my lover what time they went to bed, she said 3:30, about 2.5 hours after his arrival. That means he came home from work and they boned for 2.5 hours.
You don't know this for sure.
Unless you ask them specifically what they did every minute of those 2.5 hours (and are prepared for the answers) you don't know.
Could be they talked for 2 hours and had sex for 30 minutes.
Could be there was tension or awkwardness. Could be one of them was checking email for 20 minutes.
And yes, it could be they had amazing sex for 2.5 hours.

Assuming things has got me in a lot of trouble...
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-15-2012, 12:44 AM
Sugarbooger's Avatar
Sugarbooger Sugarbooger is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Crazytown
Posts: 30
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
You don't know this for sure.
Unless you ask them specifically what they did every minute of those 2.5 hours (and are prepared for the answers) you don't know.
Could be they talked for 2 hours and had sex for 30 minutes.
Could be there was tension or awkwardness. Could be one of them was checking email for 20 minutes.
And yes, it could be they had amazing sex for 2.5 hours.

Assuming things has got me in a lot of trouble...
I wish there was a magical cure for assuming things, for now trial and error will have to be my teacher.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-15-2012, 03:41 AM
NovemberRain's Avatar
NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 695
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarbooger View Post
I wish there was a magical cure for assuming things, for now trial and error will have to be my teacher.
..oh but wait, there IS! It's called 'asking.'
No need for that pesky trial and error thing.

(said with all the love in my heart ~ not trying to be snarky)
__________________
Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
envious, envy, jealous, jealousy

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:44 PM.