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  #11  
Old 03-13-2012, 07:09 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Has your husband encouraged her to come clean to her boyfriend about their relationship? I wonder if you'd feel more comfortable with her being a part of your social life if everything was out in the open on both sides.
My husband has talked to her about this and she knows he would prefer things to be open and honest.

And yes, the fact that she is cheating (although she has ' reasons' to back this up) isn't really helping, it sure doesn't make me like her more.

Husband just told me she'll be out of town for the big event he wanted to invite her to, next week. So that's one crisis averted! We will have to sit down and negotiate before the next opportunity comes along.
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  #12  
Old 03-13-2012, 08:35 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Yikes, that really puts a different spin on it. If this woman can't be trusted to do right by her SO, how can you trust her to do right by your SO? I'd be really curious to know what possible reasons she could offer for her cheating that would make her out to be someone either you or your husband would want to trust with your intimate lives. And when it comes to social circles, I wouldn't want my friends to get the mistaken idea that poly = cheating or assume that I condone cheating if they were to find out that my SO was involved in a relationship based on a lie. :/
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  #13  
Old 03-13-2012, 08:42 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Before I read she's cheating I was going to suggest that maybe its just too soon after meeting her to gallop into her knowing everyone else too. I think I would want to get to know her myself first and then move into more transition with friends it that goes well. In time, when it becomes evident that as a metamour with you things will be fine (for her as well) I would be introducing her to important people in my and my partners life.

Now that I know she is cheating I have a different view. I would be sticking to not wanting her to meet anyone until her bf knows. Meeting close friends is a big step. It says that this person is here to stay. Anyone who is cheating on someone, in my mind, is temporary. Shit hits the fan eventually and when it does I would not want anyone else involved but her, the bf and your partner.

Its hard for people to be supportive when they are witnessing cheating and especially when shit hit the fan. There will be some strong opinions flying around that would do much better contained. Some of your friends will not be super supportive of him or her. Why go through that and jepordize friendships?

Ya, its just me, but I would be against her meeting anyone and I would not really want her in my life also. I think I would be asking my partner to take it all elsewhere until she is an honest woman. To me there is no reason to support cheating.
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  #14  
Old 03-14-2012, 01:56 AM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
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I've never understood some peoples need to keep a relationship secret from there friends, but that might be because my circle of friends are fairly open minded or participating in various kinds of alternative romance models themselves.
However in this case, if the gf is actively cheating on a significant other in another city and claims to have "reasons", that should raise some very serious red flags, especially if she's introduced your husband to her friends as "just a friend", the only thing worse than habitual dishonesty in a relationship is habitual dishonesty in a relationship that comes with "justifications".
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Old 03-14-2012, 04:15 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Ya, its just me, but I would be against her meeting anyone and I would not really want her in my life also. I think I would be asking my partner to take it all elsewhere until she is an honest woman. To me there is no reason to support cheating.
It's not just her. I was going to talk about how you'd feel if you DID have another partner you wanted to integrate into your social circle, and suggest you think about how you'd like your husband to handle that. However, once you said she was cheating on her partner, I thought "I would be against her meeting any of my friends, and I would not want her in my life". I however wouldn't ask my partner to take it elsewhere until she came clean, as my husband wanting to date somebody who was cheating would have already led to an "ethical non-monogamy(me) or her" ultimatum.

Are you comfortable with this? If you would willingly date somebody who was cheating you might not be bothered by it at all, but if you wouldn't, it sounds like a good discussion of what is or isn't poly for you and your husband is due, to see if he even identifies as poly. Although polyamory might be directly translated as many loves, there's no way I can define it for myself that doesn't include ethical.
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  #16  
Old 03-14-2012, 09:49 AM
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You said that the 2 of you have been doing this for 3 years how many serous partners did he have during that time? And did he want to do the same integration with them?

My earlier point was how long has this been talked about and how much time have you had to process this. Have you had months to prepare. Or a couple of weeks. No contact to in your face staying at your home...that type of thing.
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  #17  
Old 03-15-2012, 08:57 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
You said that the 2 of you have been doing this for 3 years how many serous partners did he have during that time? And did he want to do the same integration with them?
He had 1 serious relationship prior to this one. Lasted a couple of months. I met her. But she broke up with him before the integration had a chance to take off. She was single, and found the whole thing too stressful, and also there was a lot of peer pressure - she told her friends and family and they were all very un-supportive ("what are you doing with a married man? he will never choose you!"etc)
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  #18  
Old 03-15-2012, 09:08 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Husband and I have been emailing back and forth about all of this a lot, and had a long talk about it yesterday.
For the first time he admitted that the whole situation makes him uncomfortable too. He also told me he brings it up every time they're together. He feels that things will change soon.. that she's coming round to the idea that things can't really go on the way they are.
It meant a lot to me that this is not some untouched subject between them. I thought that after 1 intitial conversation about it, they had not talked about it anymore and that my husband had sort of resigned himself to the idea.

Maybe its not really going as fast as I'd like, but I do feel he's working on things to shift. We'll see.
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  #19  
Old 03-16-2012, 06:29 AM
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Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cleo View Post
Husband and I have been emailing back and forth about all of this a lot, and had a long talk about it yesterday.
For the first time he admitted that the whole situation makes him uncomfortable too. He also told me he brings it up every time they're together. He feels that things will change soon.. that she's coming round to the idea that things can't really go on the way they are.
It meant a lot to me that this is not some untouched subject between them. I thought that after 1 intitial conversation about it, they had not talked about it anymore and that my husband had sort of resigned himself to the idea.

Maybe its not really going as fast as I'd like, but I do feel he's working on things to shift. We'll see.
Sounds good. It probably makes it easier to be patient knowing that you two are on the same page with this.

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