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  #11  
Old 03-12-2012, 09:03 PM
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Tyleet Tyleet is offline
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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Something to think about, ( when you have differing viewpoints with a partner.) is the potential to not have the same rules set on each other. He can give you what you need, and you can give him what he needs. The rules don`t necessarily need to be common between you both. If you are on the same page there, then it`s best not to over-think things, or over-plan.
This seems like what's going to happen, as apparently (so far) he has much less need for disclosure and meeting metamours (I just learned that word, and I love it! It's so descriptive) than I do. The problem is that he may (I hope not, but it could certainly happen) feel resentful that I have more "demanding" needs in terms of relationship boundaries or parameters than he does.

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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
You can possibly think about the fact you want to acknowledge the person, and meet them, but it might go differently then you envision. Instead of 'always beforehand' you might need to make lee-way for it to happen before a date with one girl,..or 3-5 dates in with the next woman.
I'm open to being flexible. I do think that two or three weeks into an extensive flirt-fest is enough time to lead to an introduction.

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Originally Posted by SourGirl View Post
Outside of dating, we tend to bump into people in organic ways. If he just has the attitude of 'you`ll meet my wife at some point' I don`t see how it is a big deal if you say 'hello' while they are on the computer talking, or on the phone, or even a quick hi when they go for coffee. As long as it is just that, I don`t think it`ll seem like a big deal to anyone after the fact.
I would hope it wouldn't be a big deal, but so far, I haven't been allowed to do that. All I really want is to be able to say "Hi, I'm his wife, nice to meet you", and then, hopefully, it will feel natural for him to be able to pass on my greetings when I know they're chatting. But as it stands, there is no such connection between us at all.

If it IS a big deal for them to meet me, to the extent that they react negatively to the very idea, I feel that would not bode well for the impact of their relationship (whatever it may consist of) on our marriage. That would make it very, very, VERY difficult for me to trust them, or to trust him with them, and trust and honesty are the two most important aspects of a relationship for me. I have issues with that sort of thing; hell, I have subscriptions. ;-)

Thanks to everyone for your input, I appreciate the food for thought and the perspective from people who have been doing this for longer than I have. I welcome any more thoughts that anyone might have. If you've made a point you feel is important that I haven't addressed in my replies, feel free to remind me of it.
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  #12  
Old 03-12-2012, 09:15 PM
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Tyleet Tyleet is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
It seems what to do then is to tell him that you feel those things and that in the future you would feel safer if he tells you if he is flirting with somebody, give him the chance to do that.
I have done, but so far no introductions are forthcoming.

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
My husband at least doesn't really register this stuff as being anything I'd be interested in knowing even though I feel more relaxed when I know what is going on, so I just make a point of regularly asking him if he's talking or flirting or interested in anybody new. That takes some of the onus off of him, and empowers me to get the information I am curious about without making him into the bad guy for forgetting to keep me updated.
This seems like a good idea, and he says that would be fine. ;-) I want to make sure he doesn't feel like the question itself is intrusive or overbearing, but it seems like it wouldn't be. I would ask in such a way as to try to avoid that impression, surely.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore
As for your request to say hi, it seems incredibly reasonable to me, and I think he should step up and honor it, even if it makes him and/or his new friend slightly uncomfortable. Even if poly weren't on the table, just wanting to meet your husband's friends would STILL be reasonable for someone with problems with anxiety. To avoid scaring her off, hubs should just keep it as light as possible -- "My wife likes to say hi to my friends, do you mind if I give her your email address? I promise she won't bite or send you an essay. " It might seem a little odd to her but it's such a small thing... if she's not willing to do that, it'd be hard not to conclude that she doesn't care about your comfort enough to bend even a little and that's not a good sign for someone who could be a future metamour.
EXACTLY. Thank you.
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  #13  
Old 03-13-2012, 08:17 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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...the question is where to draw the line past which a meeting is necessary. I feel that if he has been chatting for hours nearly every night and flirting with someone for two or three weeks already before even informing me of this person's existence, that crosses a line of discomfort for me. If I hadn't asked what was going on, I don't know how long it would have taken, if ever, before he told me about her. I don't feel I can live like that, it makes me feel mistrustful.
I would say, "the line" you draw would be somewhere you would both be comfortable. Why not just let him tell you when he feels like it has potential to become a romantic relationship and let that be when you need to make yourself known to her?

However, when you talk about him "flirting with someone for two or three weeks already before even informing me of this person's existence," well, that's an entirely different thing. Now you're talking about him letting you know what he's up to. I was talking about him introducing you to people he's interested in. Two different things. I would think that he would naturally tell you he was engaged in flirty conversation with someone, even if he wasn't ready to introduce you to that person. So, I wonder what is the problem he has with saying, "Hey, honey, I'm chatting online with someone. It's fun and flirty, and I'll let you know if it starts to go anywhere."

If my ex-husband and I had been polyamorous and had an understanding that any of our friendships could become relationships, I think we would have conducted ourselves pretty similarly to the way we did as a monogamous couple who never restricted each other as far as having friends of the opposite sex. We always kept each other informed of what we were doing but also trusted each other completely so never felt the need to police each other. In other words, if I had a primary partner that I had to check in with, yes, we'd definitely let each other know what we're doing beforehand, without hiding anything, but we wouldn't need to meet any of our friends or interests until there was definitely a potential for romance. At least, that would be ideal for me if I was partnered (I'm solo).

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Originally Posted by Tyleet View Post
The difficulty with online interactions, too, is that meeting in person is problematic at best and likely impossible due to distance. But again, if they're spending literally hours at a time together, it doesn't make much difference to me whether they're casual friends, flirting friends or cybersex friends, I want to meet the person who's taking up so much of my husband's time.
Well, Skype and video chats make it a little easier to meet online friends.

I also must ask, is his spending hours every night chatting with these people intruding on his time with you? Because I don't see it as unreasonable to ask for a certain amount of time that he spend focused on you and to have a limit on frequency and length of time spent online. If so much of his time is spent with his attention focused on these online flirtations, I would wonder if there is some sort of avoidance going on. Chatting for "hours nearly every night" sounds a little like an addiction or obsession. Is he attending to his other responsibilities to you and your household?
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-13-2012 at 09:46 AM.
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  #14  
Old 03-13-2012, 03:01 PM
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Tyleet Tyleet is offline
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To be fair, he did acknowledge at the time that we initially discussed his flirty friend that he should have informed me sooner, and would do so in future. The main question at this point is how to manage the introductions, and the advice received thus far on that score has been very useful.

Regarding the chatting at night, it's not the only thing he does; our sleep schedules vary considerably anyway and he's a decided night owl. He spends a lot of time at night volunteering on an advice board and reading other discussion forums and such as well; it's not all flirtation, and my wording should have been clearer on that point. I don't want to paint an inaccurate picture of him or his activities.

While I would rather we had similar sleep schedules, it's not something that's likely to change much, but I do at least like to know in general what he's doing during that time, without making him feel that I'm policing him. The main issue there is with my own reactions and trust subscriptions, something I'll have to work on. ;-) And, of course, balancing our individual activities and schedules with time and attention spent on each other. I'm interested in hearing how other people manage such things, whether the extracurricular activities are of a poly nature or otherwise.
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  #15  
Old 03-14-2012, 03:49 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I am curious, do you feel you need to say hi to them before they have met your husband for say....coffee? Do you feel the need to talk to them if the relationship is going to stay at a level of online flirting? I can understand if your husband is likely to form an emotional connection with somebody before they ever meet, the desire to say hi to them earlier. I can also understand if the other person doesn't identify as poly, it could be more vital to let them know you are present and aware of what is happening, to avoid misunderstandings.

I certainly imagine it would feel awkward to have a potential metamour want to talk to me before I have even had much conversation with the person I was interested in if the interaction was online only. However if it is going to happen, just keeping it to "my wife says hi!" if she comes in the room while we are talking, or walking by and waving during a hypothetical webcam chat would not make me uncomfortable. If it's important you say hi when your husband tells you about an interest, you could ask him to to schedule the next talk for a time you are available to do that if it's causing anxiety. However I do think if you need more than that (ie emailing the person) during their preliminary "getting to know you" phase, it is probably important you really work on your motivations, as a lot of people would find that awkward.

Throwing a random idea out there, that maybe has a bit of a chance to combat anxiety - any possibility your husband is willing to commit to asking a person he is flirting with out for coffee within 2-3 weeks of starting to talk to them? He'd get to meet them and see if there was actual interest, and you wouldn't have to wonder if this ongoing flirting was going to lead anywhere and stress out about it. Just something I'd noodle over trying if I was anxious and in your situation. At the very least your husband can figure out if he is interested in pursuing a person or just flirting with them if he finds he doesn't have a desire to take it beyond online.
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  #16  
Old 03-14-2012, 04:08 AM
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Tyleet Tyleet is offline
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There's no chance for coffee with these people, thus far they've all been across the ocean, so the entire association is online. He's got no local prospects as yet, but I would like to have at least some idea of how we'll try to handle such things before there is a local prospect to deal with. The suggestion about the coffee meeting within a few weeks of starting a local association seems like a reasonable option, I'll think about that and discuss it with him.

If the entire association will always be online, then there is where I would have to meet them, and if it's going to continue, I'd just like to be properly introduced and have a chance to get to know them myself. Having made our own emotional connection with each other before we ever met (before I even knew what he looked like), I know it's certainly possible for it to happen again. ;-)
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