Too much information

[Shannanigan]

I used to hide my identity because I was a public high school teacher and was also dating people who preferred to stay hidden, so I didn't want anyone to figure out who they were through my online activities and discussions.

That's changed now, and I'm much less private and "out" to my friends and family. Still, I don't feel like I'm going to put an awful lot of info up on this site's profile for me, simply because I don't really see much reason to when you'll be getting to know me on the boards.

[opalescent]

Not everyone has the privilege of not having to give a fuck about other's opinion's. Also what everyone else has responded about why they like the anonymity of the forum.

[redpepper]

This is a public forum where people talk about very intimate and vulnerable situations. Often the people that come here are closeted and fearful that "people" will find out. Its very important to read the site guidelines and respect peoples privacy. Its expected that those that come here choose a name that is NOT one they use on other forums as people will and do track them down. Its also expected that people not use real names and be too suggestive in the details of their lives.

On average, us mods, get about three to five messages a month (each) asking us to delete profiles, change threads, change names, delete posts... besides spam, its the bulk of what we do.

If you want to get details then I suggest messaging those that look interesting to you and make some friends or you can use any other social network to build friendships out side of here. Many of us know each other elsewhere and do our private chatting there. Some of us even know each other personally and have traveled miles to see each other. After four years there is community being built on here, just not evident so much on the public parts of the forum.

[FrankLee]

Ahh, friends, I really wasn't suggesting that anyone reveal more about themselves than they were comfortable with. What I thought I was saying, as so often happens, was not what was heard. So, forgive me for being unclear.

I was simply curious as to what reasons were used for privacy, and I knew people had good ones. Being self-employed, myself, I am less vulnerable to discovery than many who clearly are in positions in large organizations or have to put themselves out in public on a daily basis. And, thanks, you have all reinforced the reality that polyamory may be the last frontier in closeted lifestyles. It appears that the general public isn't ready for it, to put it mildly. I remember a tragic court case a few years ago, Tennessee I think, where children were being taken away from a poly family.

And, some of you say that this is a forum of ideas and not personalities, though for me, I remember the idea better if i can connect it to a face and a personality. And, thanks to AnnabelMore, I see a reason that never occurred to me, it is a forum to discuss things one is not even ready or able to talk about with one's own partners.

So, thanks to NewYorkCindie (gotta love that name and avatar) and moderator RedPepper (and that one) for detailed clarification of the matter. And, thanks to BrigidsDaughter, ThatGirlinGray, and Shannanigan for telling how devasting being "outed" could be in their personal and professional lives.

And, special thanks to Phy for coming out with her poly family and photos in such a welcoming manner.

Of course, it goes without saying that no one posts their real name here. I'm not "Frank Lee." I'm not clueless about the dangers of internet identity threats. I even recently permanently deleted my Facebook account. I wouldn't trust that Zuckerberg kid any further than .......

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by FrankLee

So, thanks to NewYorkCindie (gotta love that name and avatar)...

<giggle> It's actually NYCindie, which is NYC + indie for indie films, not NY + Cindie. But I don't mind the confusion, as it keeps the anonymity up when people refer to me as Cindie.

[mixer]

For me there are two concerns: First, with anything “like this” I don’t necessarily worry about any of you people being able to figure out who I am in meatspace. But I’d rather avoid creating direct linkages. Especially in this context when I’m sharing deep, “dark” secrets.

The second is that to identify myself in the databases of the world would also effectively identify my SO and potentially any current or future lovers. I’m self-employed (and work in software anyway), but she’s got letters after her name. So we maintain an air gap.

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by nycindie

<giggle> It's actually NYCindie, which is NYC + indie for indie films, not NY + Cindie. But I don't mind the confusion, as it keeps the anonymity up when people refer to me as Cindie.

I'll just keep calling you NY Cindie then

Only reason I don't provide more information is because...it doesn't benefit anybody. My parents know who I date, my husband's job knows he is poly. My husband knows I post here, if my boyfriend (or any future partner) asked, I'd tell them who I post as, since if I were to post about a problem here I'd have told the individuals involved about it ahead of time, and I don't mind my partners knowing what goes on in my head (omg maybe that would start a conversation!). I try not to be too specific about what I say, though the people I date would certainly recognize themselves if they stumbled across my posts. However I don't really want 3rd parties to my relationships to have an easy direct link to information about me if I don't have an intimate enough relationship with them to be discussing it with them in person. Figure they should work a bit harder to pry into my head if they want to know what's happening in there!

[IsobelR]

I work with kids And really...I give as much as I think people need to know. Unless I'm planning on meeting you anytime soon, I don't see the need to give a lot of detail about who and where I am.

[redpepper]

Thanks for the clarification.

I'm not all that private. Have you looked at my blog? lol. There are a lot of locals that know me on here and I admin a group elsewhere where I collect forum friends who express an interest to know me and others better (discuss in private). I haven't found any problems with being out. I don't advertise, but just be me and people can take me or leave me... its up to them.

[Lemondrop]

1) An awful lot of people I know have security clearances, and have reason to believe that polyamory could hurt them in a review.

2) I have children, and have reason to believe (experience) that even the people I love would turn me in to CPS if I strayed sufficiently from what was considered mainstream.

3) My partners have children, whom I love, and who I have reason to believe would be yanked right out of my reach should something happen to my partners and their parents knew I wasn't mainstream.

4) I have friends, but I can't talk to them about my relationship problems with them because I feel constrained by how my relationship problems would affect how they view my partners.

5) I have kink, and besides the idea of having my children yanked from my care, I don't like the way it affects how people think of me when they find out I'm submissive.

6) I'm cautious about internet security.

7) I'm private. You want to get to know me? By all means, open a conversation. But I'm not going to put myself out for public display. (the exception--if I feel like my experience will help others.)

8) Sometimes, things happen, things which embarrass me. (heh--sometimes I'm wrong and I don't want to have to admit it.) I wouldn't feel comfortable talking *at all* if I had to live with the fear that people I know would be judging me, but it's easier if I'm more anonymous.

Eh, there's probably about a million more reasons on my part, but I figure you're bored now.