Giving it a try with a friend who has a mono partner - bad idea?

[KyleKat]

It sounds like you have a lot of emotional stress going on right now. Might I suggest you take a step back, breath, get your life in order (don't fail class over a girl!!!) and then approach this again? Doesn't sound like your friend is going anywhere any time soon and you distancing yourself from her for a week or so (emotionally, not by ignoring her) may be good for you. Judging by her recent actions, it sounds like you and her boyfriend are both smothering her on this subject and she's already struggling with trying to figure out what she wants.

You guys are too young for this much melancholy. Unfortunately, the stage you're at is when life feels the most important. Trust me. Even as little as 4 years from now will be an entirely new life for you.

I've been there. We all have.

[LemonCakeIsALie33]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I am not meaning to trivialize it, no. Its hard to tell someone that they might want to consider if they are whining or not, lol. How does one say that without actually saying "you sound whiny." Maybe I could of said it differently. Sorry if I came across as sounding anything more than suggesting you have a look at that.

You did, but I understand. You weren't mean, I just didn't understand at the time. I so appreciate your blunt honesty. It makes me feel secure. (Again, something I think a lot of polyfolk agree about.)

Originally Posted by redpepper

This man, if he is empathetic at all, knows deep down that you are hurting, that she is hurting, that he has no control over this love of yours and that while he has kept it at bay for the time being, things will never be the same between them again. There is some grief in that as much as change. Love has a way of doing that to people.

He can put a halt to it, but she is changed now because of it. She has some knowledge of him that she didn't know before and needs to process how she feels about that. He is faced with some knowledge about her that he didn't know before that he now has to process. He needs time to do that also... the end result will be a change. There is no avoiding that. He and she could decide that that change is to see how it goes with you becoming a different part of their lives than you have been or it could be that the door is closed to that. What that does to their relationship and to yours with her is yet to be seen.

Yes, I am pretty sure they are overwhelmed with "thinking about it."

Wow. Yeah. You're right, of course.

She wanted to open up the relationship, and now he knows that, and he can't just forget it.

He must be really hurting right now. I truly hope this doesn't end things for them. She would be heartbroken.

Originally Posted by redpepper

Years later again I found her on FB and we connected again (I was 34). I went to visit her again after a love affair via skype. Again I almost lost my second marriage. Again I was bowled over.... Again it ended in pain. It continues to this day. We are very gentle with each other this time around and have a simple respect that we need to "not do that again."Ha, who knows where its going. I am just glad that we can talk at this point and love her with all my might but not be with her.

I'm not sure I would want that. Love can hurt so badly. Do you regret any of it, or are you happy with how it is right now and glad for what led to it?

Originally Posted by redpepper

you're welcome. you ARE doing fine... its just all part of it. *hugs* Welcome to poly, lol.

You know, some people might say, "Why would you want to do this?"

I say two things.

1) Not all monogamous people are possessive, and not all monogamous people cause drama, and not all polyfolk are drama free (an hour on this forum will tell you all this, I think).

However, all the relationship drama in my life has had at its heart someone who was insecure. Sometimes me, sometimes someone else - but always someone who was clinging to monogamy out of fear.

2) Even with all this drama and pain - I have, under it all, hope for my own future. I feel fulfilled and safe at my core even when I don't feel content or even happy. I truly know that this will pass.

It is the most wonderful feeling to know that no matter what, I will never again be trapped in a relationship with a person I've chained myself to. If I ever end up in a monogamous relationship, it will be because we just want to be with each other and not because I feel I have to.

There is such joy and freedom in realizing that.

It speaks volumes that despite all the pain I've experienced since realizing I'm poly, I am happier overall than I ever was when I thought I was mono.

That is so powerful to me.

I'm so young, only 21, and I'm lucky to know this about myself. So many people don't realize until they're 30, 40, 50.

[LemonCakeIsALie33]

Originally Posted by KyleKat

It sounds like you have a lot of emotional stress going on right now. Might I suggest you take a step back, breath, get your life in order (don't fail class over a girl!!!) and then approach this again? Doesn't sound like your friend is going anywhere any time soon and you distancing yourself from her for a week or so (emotionally, not by ignoring her) may be good for you. Judging by her recent actions, it sounds like you and her boyfriend are both smothering her on this subject and she's already struggling with trying to figure out what she wants.

I'm really trying to take care of myself - that's why I'm here!

I go to a top-ten university, and I love it so much, but when things happen, it's tough. If you breathe for too long, you fall behind. I took last week off, so now I have to catch up, you know?

I believe my girl when she says she's not upset. I'm sure she's just overwhelmed. I don't want to push her and I tend to do that when I get anxious, so I'm keeping my distance like she needs.

Originally Posted by KyleKat

You guys are too young for this much melancholy. Unfortunately, the stage you're at is when life feels the most important. Trust me. Even as little as 4 years from now will be an entirely new life for you.

I've been there. We all have.

Isn't everyone too young for melancholy? I don't think that's a useful statement. I'm certain you didn't mean to be condescending, but to me it came across in that way.

My motto is that unless you die in the middle, it'll get better.

A bit about my history that might make you understand a bit more:

Two years ago, when I was 19, I went through a period of severe clinical depression. I was suicidal and afraid I would take my own life, and though I didn't attempt it I ended up in a hospital for six days. After that I went through a year of cognitive behavioral therapy that taught me how to recognize when my thoughts are distorted by negative (or occasionally positive) emotion. Even if I can't always stop the trains of thought at that moment, the mere thoughts themselves lose their ability to ruin me for more than a day at the absolute worst.

I have been through so much worse. I will get through this. I'm sure you remember past problems as not being all that important. The thing is, everyone does. Your current problems (since everyone always has problems), I'm sure you'll look back on them in a few years and see them as less important.

But at the time, all problems seem huge, regardless of your age. You know?

I study the brain as my major. There's a phenomenon by which past pain is diminished in the memory. If it weren't, women would never give birth more than once!

What I'm saying is... it's not fair to say this isn't a big deal or that I'll realize it's not huge in a few years. For where I am in my life right now, for my future at [university name redacted ] and my future career in science (grad school and ???), for my health and for avoiding depression again, it is vital that this problem be fixed and fixed correctly, and soon.

Since Christmas, I've had vaginal sex for the first time, gotten an IUD and had a lot of pain from that, realized I was poly, dealt with a lot of drama involving a friend and [taking-it-slowly] new partner who lives on my hall (in my dorm) that has since settled happily, realized I'm biromantic and crushing on my friend, and gone through all this latest stuff.

It's just... a lot. I could have dealt with this a lot better if I wasn't already just damn exhausted.

Does where I'm coming from make a bit more sense now?

I'm young, I'm struggling a lot right now, but I'm not naive. I'm quite mature for my age, and part of that is knowing when I'm floundering and need help.

Just being here is more than a lot of adults would be comfortable with. I do it because I care about myself.

That's a long post and I'm not sure I was clear, sorry. Basically, this seems like a big deal because given where I am in my life in the past few months, where I go to school, and where I need to not let myself get again (namely, depressed), it is a big deal.

That doesn't mean this pain won't have been long forgotten in five years or less. I just need to deal with it while it's not forgotten.

[KyleKat]

When I was reading your prior posts it sounded like you were having a lot of difficulty managing the situation and seeing that it wasn't cataclysmic. After I posted you replied to redpepper and I realized that wasn't the case but by that point it was too late to undo. I've been waiting for the past 30 minutes for you to reply so I could come back and say "my mistake! Read into your posts wrong!"

As far as the melancholy statement, I didn't mean for it to be condescending but I realize it was. Sorry about that. My point was more that you're still young and as redpepper has repeatedly mentioned, people go through hell and back in their lives and come out just fine. Don't give up! You don't need that much stress in your life, especially if you're attending a Top 10.

[Derbylicious]

Ah depression. I've been there too and I can remember the first time something challenged me after coming off the medication I was sure that I was going to sink right back to that dark place again. Turns out it didn't happen, I coped and moved through it. Breathe and take one day at a time. Now you know what depression is like you're more likely to be able to catch it in the early stages.

You're 2 years out from that place now, so far you've been coping. Chances are that you can cope with this too. If you need to take a breather from the whole relationship situation for a few days and refocus on your school work. I know that for me at least stress is a major contributor to my emotional instability. If you can get on top of the school work the relationship stuff might not seem quite so monumentous.

You're right that in 5 year (regardless of the outcome) what's happening now won't seem like it was such a big deal. In 5 years you'll have a whole new set of things going on. Life never stops throwing those lessons at you. All you can do is to do the best you can with the skills you have. Do you have someone you can talk to who isn't involved in this situation? An outside perspective to unload on can be a big help.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33

I'm not sure I would want that. Love can hurt so badly. Do you regret any of it, or are you happy with how it is right now and glad for what led to it?

Absolutely not. Its the story of my life. My hard work on becoming who I am meant that lesbians can not be as afraid, and poly people can not be either. If I were to die tomorrow I would be proud of who I am.

Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33

It is the most wonderful feeling to know that no matter what, I will never again be trapped in a relationship with a person I've chained myself to. If I ever end up in a monogamous relationship, it will be because we just want to be with each other and not because I feel I have to.

I am glad you can have that at YOUR age, rather than at mine. I was 30 when I came out as poly, having cheated my way their. I took on a lot of guilt and pain to get there and now I am free of it. So better to be free of it at the very beginning of your relationship life. Good on you.

It sounds like some respite from all of the changes you have been through is in need. I wish for you that it comes in good time.

[KyleKat]

Originally Posted by redpepper

I was 30 when I came out as poly, having cheated my way their.

This reminds me of a comment one of my friends made at lunch today when I was telling him about this week and poly in general. I'm not going to repeat it here, but I about smacked him from across the table. The only reason I didn't is because I knew he was joking and didn't really feel that way, but I know a lot of people that look at poly lifestyles do feel what he said is true.

Good thing I can tolerate horridly inappropriate jokes.

[LemonCakeIsALie33]

Originally Posted by KyleKat

When I was reading your prior posts it sounded like you were having a lot of difficulty managing the situation and seeing that it wasn't cataclysmic. After I posted you replied to redpepper and I realized that wasn't the case but by that point it was too late to undo. I've been waiting for the past 30 minutes for you to reply so I could come back and say "my mistake! Read into your posts wrong!"

As far as the melancholy statement, I didn't mean for it to be condescending but I realize it was. Sorry about that. My point was more that you're still young and as redpepper has repeatedly mentioned, people go through hell and back in their lives and come out just fine. Don't give up! You don't need that much stress in your life, especially if you're attending a Top 10.

Thank you, Kyle!

Yeah, I don't choose stress (at least not on purpose), but sometimes it happens and you have to work through it.

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

Ah depression. I've been there too and I can remember the first time something challenged me after coming off the medication I was sure that I was going to sink right back to that dark place again. Turns out it didn't happen, I coped and moved through it. Breathe and take one day at a time. Now you know what depression is like you're more likely to be able to catch it in the early stages.

I've never regretted my decision to avoid medication. It took a long time to get healthy, but now I know that it's all up here *taps head* and that my mental health won't come crumbling down if I forget to take a pill (as I've always been wont to forget). Some people need pills, and I'm just thankful I never have. I know I can do this. I literally went from suicidal to healthy with no pills. I can do anything - with enough support, and within my limits in my own time.

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

You're 2 years out from that place now, so far you've been coping. Chances are that you can cope with this too. If you need to take a breather from the whole relationship situation for a few days and refocus on your school work. I know that for me at least stress is a major contributor to my emotional instability. If you can get on top of the school work the relationship stuff might not seem quite so monumentous.

That's the plan.

I'll never be on top of the school work, honestly. At this point I'll have to settle for 80% on top of it. We often lower our expectations here. Otherwise we die.

Originally Posted by Derbylicious

You're right that in 5 year (regardless of the outcome) what's happening now won't seem like it was such a big deal. In 5 years you'll have a whole new set of things going on. Life never stops throwing those lessons at you. All you can do is to do the best you can with the skills you have. Do you have someone you can talk to who isn't involved in this situation? An outside perspective to unload on can be a big help.

I've been talking to several close friends and to some distant friends to a lesser degree.

And you kids here. You've helped me so much, I'm not sure you'll ever know.

Originally Posted by redpepper

Absolutely not. Its the story of my life. My hard work on becoming who I am meant that lesbians can not be as afraid, and poly people can not be either. If I were to die tomorrow I would be proud of who I am.

I am glad you can have that at YOUR age, rather than at mine. I was 30 when I came out as poly, having cheated my way their. I took on a lot of guilt and pain to get there and now I am free of it. So better to be free of it at the very beginning of your relationship life. Good on you.

It sounds like some respite from all of the changes you have been through is in need. I wish for you that it comes in good time.

Thank you. I'm feeling a bit better right now. I'm going to take this lull and work as much as I can right now, because who knows what tomorrow will look like. I'm feeling much better than I was.

[NovemberRain]

Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33

I've never regretted my decision to avoid medication. It took a long time to get healthy, but now I know that it's all up here *taps head* and that my mental health won't come crumbling down if I forget to take a pill (as I've always been wont to forget).
...
And you kids here. You've helped me so much, I'm not sure you'll ever know.

*swoon*



I'm sucker for the use of 'wont.'
and you called us kids


Glad you're feeling a wee bit better.

[LemonCakeIsALie33]

I love "wont," too. And I especially love calling people "kids" when they're older than me.