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Old 03-12-2012, 07:18 PM
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beginninglove beginninglove is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: west coast, USA
Posts: 69
Default the torture part of the NRE

okay, i am promising myself right now that i am going to post this and then i am getting RIGHT to work and am not going to be distracted for the rest of the day!!

thanks for the comment, MeeraReed. its so great to get feedback here. good to be reminded that Alex is a sexual person too, because she definitely is. in fact, this past weekend i was away at a meditation retreat and got so filled up with appreciation for how attentive and responsive she is to me, so when i got home i made sure we had some sexy time together even though i was exhausted. its not the intensely passionate kind of sexy time that k and i have, but its a different relationship altogether and i get that different is okay and good and even necessary. there is no comparison. things with Alex are pretty great right now.

still struggling with the NRE with k. trying to just sit with it, breathe through it, not indulge my crazy obsessive tendencies. but it is SO HARD. while i was away this weekend i obsessively checked my phone to see if she had texted. i sent her some pictures of the beautiful grounds at the retreat center along with a note about some of the things i was thinking about and was disappointed when her response was sweet but brief. last time i was away at a meditation retreat, we ended up texting a lot on my last day there about a lot of the things i had been thinking and feeling all weekend (its an intense spiritual program). i was disappointed that we didn't do that this time, even though there is a very good reason for this as she is away taking care of her daughter and is very busy i am sure. also, last time i was away i was planning to come straight to her house after i got back, but this time i won't see her until later this week.

i don't know why i am obsessing on this and trying to figure it all out in my head. i think is hard for me that the vast majority of our communication is over text, and that even in person we don't talk about our feelings a lot, because i am left with all these questions. even though her actions say so much (she is so thoughtful and playful with creating fun surprises for me and cooking meals, giving me little gifts, etc), a big part of me wants to hear in words what is on her mind too. i stop myself from asking because i don't want to come off as needy or demanding or too emotional or like i'm rushing things. but i suppose since the feeling is there in me i need to honor it in some way. i just need to find the right way. i go over and over different strategies in my mind, should i back off, just give her space and let things unfold without pushing? should i ask for reassurance? should i just tell her how i feel? should i wait it out, try to learn how to soothe myself, and just see what happens?

ugh, this is the torturous part of the NRE... and the worst part is knowing that i do this to myself. the trick is figuring out how to STOP. you'd think the meditation practice would help, and it does, but as soon as i am not meditating my mind just goes right back to these frustrating circles.
Gay 30-something female that just ended a committed relationship with a mono partner, Alex, and in the midst of NRE with a new lover, K.
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