Total Reprogramming

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by beatbox151

How many want to share how their rules have changed from the beginning?

I don't know that the rules have changed. We don't have many rules, to begin with, so there isn't much to change.

•Safe sex if not fluid bonded
•Our marriage is primary--any relationship that places undue strain on it will end (no tolerance for extreme drama)

Um, that's it. We share such preferences as an aversion to heavy drinkers and regular drug users, so we don't need rules about that. I prefer other partners to meet Curly prior to any serious dating, though that's not required; I suspect she expects the same of anybody she'd get involved with, though I've not asked (because I don't expect to meet them prior).

We have the expectations that we will still spend adequate time together for our relationship and so forth. There are no rules about how many nights we have to be home or anything like that.

I think the driving principle could be stated as "Nurture the relationship" and our behavior serves that. If I'm nurturing the relationship, I'm making certain I spend enough time with her, that I'm paying her enough attention, that we're engaged in growing our marriage, and she's getting what she needs from me. As long as that's happening, everything else is pretty much OK.

[beatbox151]

Thanks for that Crow.

I realize the sensitive nature of the boundries that we have with our spouses. Apparently you have not come across a situation where you thought you might need to tweek the rules a bit, because you or your spouse were feeling uneasy about something.

I guess trust is the key there.

[redpepper]

Not only that but when you've been Poly for awhile, things just don't seem as desperate... rules become much more simplified.

[GroundedSpirit]

Originally Posted by RavenSophi

I think it would be nice of Beat to send a reply explaining the difference, of course she doesn't deserve any further communication after a response like that, but still.
Personally I think we should do what we can to 'educate' people if not for their good but for our own. I for one don't like to be associated with swinging because I'm poly. It's two totally different things in my book and I for the life of me can't see why swingers and poly people would debate if there actually is a difference.

Swinging is about the sex, poly is about building a meaningful relationship which involve sex yes, but that's not the main focus. IMO.

Some really good points here and some nicely debatable.
I often vacillate myself on the "educational" part as there's some part of me - when I see reactions like the response from her - that makes me want to cry out "WHOOOAAA here - we need some understanding and clarity here" and try to take the time to do some sharing and educating for...???.... the greater good ? But then I sometimes fall back and say "who am I to try to influence someone elses thinking/worldview ? Let it go !

I think this itself might make a fine thread for this forum as it's likely that most of us here are here primarilly for that purpose - to share & learn from each other. To reach out for "the greater good" etc.

Does anyone else agree ? Shall we ? Is there enough interest ?

[beatbox151]

Well, like all topics of debate you have some who wish to explain & convert, or at least get someone to see your POV. Then there are those who would rather not influence others and feel no real duty to explain it, especially if they are hostile, or rude about it. Which I am...

I prefer, however, to tell if asked and only when asked. Of course I only mean this in context of someone who is curious about it and wants to know more.

However, If I am..say trying to date a mono and she needs to know that I am married and poly, then I may try to be more persuasive with my POV. Depends on the situation.

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by beatbox151

say trying to date a mono .

Are you crazy man! Don't you read my posts?! We're poison I tell you..poison .....back away from the monos....

[beatbox151]

Yes true in your case Mono, but that doesn't mean that some mono women aren't fine as all get out and in need of something special in their lives. Like me?

In that case, I may find it very necessary to carefully explain all of the good attributes of ploy, while downplaying perhaps it drawbacks.

Resistance at first is to be expected, but like the 12 step program, acceptance being in their somehwere, I think it may be possible to administer the "blue" pill of poly and show them a world they might never have known.

btw- Did I tell you guys how full of it I can be?

[MonoVCPHG]

Originally Posted by beatbox151

btw- Did I tell you guys how full of it I can be?

You just did!

[beatbox151]

Greetings everyone,

The adventure continues.......
I have rediscovered an old high school friend of mine, whom I loved deeply. Not in the romantic sense, but we connected mentally.Our friendship was intense and very intertwined with other high school friends who are beginning to come back into the picture (Mostly because of Facebook)

I'll call her Kate.

Now this will never be a physical relationship, but a very deep, emotional one. I was so excited I have barely been able to sleep the past few days.

Seems silly, but I feel like I have opened a floodgate and the pressure I felt has released. It has been amazing.

btw - I resisted facebook, and the fact that I have rekindled this friendship has made it worthwhile. Very worthwhile.