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  #11  
Old 03-12-2012, 06:31 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
If might be a good idea to tell him that eventually you will want that in your relationship with her but for now you are okay with starting off slowly and seeing how it goes. That his pace is important to you and that you wish to make sure that he is as comfortable as possible with this process.

[snip]

This is reminding me of my journey with this with my partner Mono and my now ex, Leo. You can read about it in my blog from Christmas 2010 until the spring of 2011. It was a ride that I think ended my relationship with Leo. Neither of us were getting our needs met I don't think and as a result I was just not able to go to the depth that I am accustom to and really need.
She told him all that. He basically told her that to him, sex is almost sacred, more sacred even than love (he's very inexperienced - she's his first girlfriend and his first sexual partner). I made it clear to her, and I'm sure she did to him, that we'd take it as slowly as he needed.

I'll go read your story. Thank you so much for your support, Pepper.

Would you mind checking out my more recent post about this? http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=22190
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  #12  
Old 03-12-2012, 06:33 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
Sorry, I was unclear - I'm willing to be very patient. He said he may never be okay with us being sexual together.

She would be okay with being sexual right now if not for him.
I know what you meant. I was saying it's her decision as to when she broaches the subject with him.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Well it seems like he is apprehensive and slightly threatened. If might be a good idea to tell him that eventually you will want that in your relationship with her but for now you are okay with starting off slowly and seeing how it goes. That his pace is important to you and that you wish to make sure that he is as comfortable as possible with this process. I would add at the end that you will be considering everyones comfort as much as possible and if that means that the sexual aspect need pushing to ensure that, that you will be advocating for moving ahead in this department. I see no reason to sugar coat or make promises that are impossible to keep. After all, part of a partnership is often sexual. If that is something you and her desire then its important to be honest about your compromise for him and your willingness to compromise for now.

This is reminding me of my journey with this with my partner Mono and my now ex, Leo. You can read about it in my blog from Christmas 2010 until the spring of 2011. It was a ride that I think ended my relationship with Leo. Neither of us were getting our needs met I don't think and as a result I was just not able to go to the depth that I am accustom to and really need.
I'm much newer to all of this and maybe I'm wrong here so I'm asking but do you think it's a good idea for her to bring this up to him now? Being sexual isn't something you should rush into. There's no reason to discuss it now if they don't need it now and are happy being romantic in other ways. As with other relationships, when the time is right is when you should approach that subject, at least in my opinion. I feel like he isn't going to be receptive to the idea especially if it's the OP that's bringing it up.

*shrug* Maybe I'm being naive but I think it's better to have a good time now and worry about the heavy stuff later, when it's necessary. She's effectively gambling that he's not going to just be like, "If you can't agree to this you can't see her" where as later on in the relationship when he realizes that his girlfriend's time is shared but her love is not he may be more receptive.

This is new for the guy as well as for the two of you.
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  #13  
Old 03-12-2012, 06:51 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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KyleKat, thank you for your perspective! She brought it up to him now because for both of us, I think we'd be ready to have sex (again) right now, and that would make us both very happy. She also, perhaps, envisioned it being a possible problem in the future. I think she made it clear that we'd be willing to hold off for awhile.
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  #14  
Old 03-12-2012, 06:55 AM
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Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I know what you meant. I was saying it's her decision as to when she broaches the subject with him.



I'm much newer to all of this and maybe I'm wrong here so I'm asking but do you think it's a good idea for her to bring this up to him now? Being sexual isn't something you should rush into. There's no reason to discuss it now if they don't need it now and are happy being romantic in other ways. As with other relationships, when the time is right is when you should approach that subject, at least in my opinion. I feel like he isn't going to be receptive to the idea especially if it's the OP that's bringing it up.

*shrug* Maybe I'm being naive but I think it's better to have a good time now and worry about the heavy stuff later, when it's necessary. She's effectively gambling that he's not going to just be like, "If you can't agree to this you can't see her" where as later on in the relationship when he realizes that his girlfriend's time is shared but her love is not he may be more receptive.

This is new for the guy as well as for the two of you.
Possibly leaving it would work. I have not known that to be the case. If I think that I would want to have sex with someone down that road I would be honest about that. I did say that she should go at his pace as much as she can, but sometimes that means no pace at all and that isn't okay either. If things are going well right now then great. The thing is that if she doesn't at least put it out there that this is likely going to lead to sex then when it comes up at that time it would be THEN that he will need to think about it, rather than having the chance to think it through and get the help and support he needs. If I were him I would want to know now, not later and possibly feel that the wool has been pulled over my eyes.

Also, to him, this might not be anything more than two women expressing the depth of their friendship. They are talking about a deeper bond and connection than friendship. I think that they should be honest about that and all it entails. That's my take on it anyway. Of course they will do whatever works for them. There is no "right" way of doing any of this relationship stuff.
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  #15  
Old 03-12-2012, 08:32 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Also, to him, this might not be anything more than two women expressing the depth of their friendship. They are talking about a deeper bond and connection than friendship.
I actually think he's deluding himself into thinking maybe this is not much different from friendship. How can he know she wants to be with someone who isn't him and have that be no different to his (currently anti-poly) mind than her only wanting to be with him?
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  #16  
Old 03-12-2012, 10:33 PM
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Well its not been long since this all panned out though. Time. There is nothing but time. There is no rush for this to unfold I would think. Sometimes the joy is in the journey, not the destination.

I have met many people who I just haven't been able to be with because they have a different view than me or their partner does. It happens. The question indeed is how much to invest in the journey. People aren't going to have the same view on things. People don't all have the same view of poly.

I have found that if I go into any relationship with the attitude that I am curious about others and grounded in my own view then I feel much more content and like I can avoid situations that are not right for me. I go into each relationship/friendship/partnership valuing differences and seeing how to mold those differences into a relationship. I don't think anyone is right or wrong; they just don't know me or what I think yet and I don't know them.

Sometimes I learn something from them because I remain open to learn more... sometimes I have something to offer them and change occurs. If they decide that I am worth knowing, and I decide that they are worth knowing then the wonder and curiosity can begin. As soon as I go into it with the aim to change them, that moment of purity is lost. Just my take from a woman who went through the wringer with her poly boyfriend (its a huge part of my blog from Christmas 2010 until this past summer 2011). I'm passing this on as it might help you find some patience with him.
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  #17  
Old 03-12-2012, 11:52 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Well its not been long since this all panned out though. Time. There is nothing but time. There is no rush for this to unfold I would think. Sometimes the joy is in the journey, not the destination.
But oh, this journey right now is not joyful. I'm just trying to survive right now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sometimes I learn something from them because I remain open to learn more... sometimes I have something to offer them and change occurs. If they decide that I am worth knowing, and I decide that they are worth knowing then the wonder and curiosity can begin. As soon as I go into it with the aim to change them, that moment of purity is lost. Just my take from a woman who went through the wringer with her poly boyfriend (its a huge part of my blog from Christmas 2010 until this past summer 2011). I'm passing this on as it might help you find some patience with him.
Thank you so much. I'll try to be patient.

He makes her very happy and she loves him, so he must be special even though this situation is really painful.
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