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  #1  
Old 02-18-2012, 01:27 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Question Feelings for a friend - romantic or not?

Normally I'd post this question elsewhere, but I'm asking here because I expect I'd get many monogamy-centric responses elsewhere, and I want responses that more accurately reflect my worldview.

I have strong feelings for a close friend. She was the first girl I slept with and I love her very much. She is now in a monogamous relationship with a man.

Recently, I've been struggling with some feelings of jealousy. Most of the time I'm happy for her and her boyfriend, whom she likes very much.

But sometimes...

Sometimes I just want to kiss her. I want to keep her with me for a little while, cuddle her, have her sexually. I want to spend time with her.

However, I don't often find myself obsessively thinking about her, as I do about most crushes.

I'm not exactly sure what I want from her. Our friendship seems to hover on the edge of romantic, and we both consider ourselves more or less heteroromantic, but...

See, people who aren't in a poly mindset might say "jealousy means you like her romantically! that's how you know how strong your feelings are!" But I don't think jealousy implies strength of affection.

How can I figure out what I feel for her? Could it be merely friendship and sexual, not romantic?

What do you think?
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  #2  
Old 02-18-2012, 05:28 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I think it's totally normal to feel a little wistful and to still desire connection with lovers who have since moved out of out grasp. When you're poly and they're in a monogamous relationship, it's all the more wistful because you can see how you two could be together if it weren't for that one, silly rule they have with their partner (I'm not saying monogamy is silly, but it can feel that way when it's in the way of what you want!).

Is it friendship, is it romance... why try to categorize it? It probably doesn't fit neatly into any one definition. As long as you don't torture yourself over it, and can respect her choices, let it be the affectionate, somewhat-desirous friendmance it is.
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Old 02-21-2012, 06:24 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I have said here before, I have a tendency to fall in love with my friends. I actually have a crush on one my staff at the moment. ! I usually don't think about it, but sometimes, late in the day, she'll be gabbing at me, and I kind of lose my train of thought...

I think when you're a person who loves to love, sometimes the heart runs off when the brain knows it's not the 'right' place to go.

Annabel, 'friendmance' I LOVE IT
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  #4  
Old 03-04-2012, 11:42 PM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Oh, no.



I thought it was just a friendmance, like you said. I really did. But... last night I ended up sobbing in a corset and panties on my best friend's shoulder, in the middle of a hallway, over this girl.

Drunken and holding me as I held her up, she told me she loved me and hoped we were still friends when we were thirty (she's 19). I told her of course we would be, stroking her hair and feeling that familiar tug behind my sternum. She said how her boyfriend made her feel so beautiful, and I said, "You should feel beautiful. You are." She said, "Even when I'm pregnant, and fat, and farting?"

I said, "Always."

And she said, "I'm so glad you're my friend. I hope we're friends when we're old and gray."

All of this interspersed with talk of how much she loves her boyfriend, thinks he's perfect for her, doesn't fight with him, and thinks she wants to spend the rest of her life with him.

And I just started tearing up. I held it in and gave her back to her boyfriend (who was waiting in the hall because she'd briefly kicked him out of the co-ed bathroom to tell me about her feelings for him). Then I went back to my hall (same dorm) and just broke down.

I don't know what to do. Should I tell her how I feel? Her boyfriend is a very jealous person and wouldn't be okay with her dating me - in fact, if he knew she'd had sex with me he probably wouldn't want her seeing me at all. (Though I know she'd see me anyway and tell him that was unfair of him.)
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Old 03-06-2012, 07:10 AM
MorningTwilight MorningTwilight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
Drunken and holding me as I held her up, she told me she loved me and hoped we were still friends when we were thirty (she's 19). I told her of course we would be, stroking her hair and feeling that familiar tug behind my sternum.
It's a hard thing. Do you let her slip away and regret the chance not taken and the love left unexpressed, or do you spill it and risk her pulling away, thinking she's making it easier on you by not being right there so close?

I don't have an answer for you. Only you can decide what outcome is acceptable, but I'll tell you this: putting yourself through hell by keeping yourself in limbo is no way to be.
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Old 03-06-2012, 07:48 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MorningTwilight View Post
It's a hard thing. Do you let her slip away and regret the chance not taken and the love left unexpressed, or do you spill it and risk her pulling away, thinking she's making it easier on you by not being right there so close?

I don't have an answer for you. Only you can decide what outcome is acceptable, but I'll tell you this: putting yourself through hell by keeping yourself in limbo is no way to be.
You are right.

I'm going to tell her, next week, in person. I'm going to tell her and it probably will not go how I wish it would. But at least I'll be free of this.

If she doesn't reciprocate, I'll choose to pull away anyway.
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  #7  
Old 03-11-2012, 12:20 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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I told her. She reciprocates!

Her boyfriend said he's okay with her and I having a romantic relationship, but he wouldn't want our relationship to be sexual.

Why would he feel this way? Is there anything I can have her show him that might help?
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  #8  
Old 03-11-2012, 01:47 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LemonCakeIsALie33 View Post
I told her. She reciprocates!

Her boyfriend said he's okay with her and I having a romantic relationship, but he wouldn't want our relationship to be sexual.

Why would he feel this way? Is there anything I can have her show him that might help?
There's no reason to rush into things. Be romantically involved for now and let her decide when it's appropriate for the two of you to become sexual. She can discuss it with him and you can be supportive, but If you push this you could jeopardize things.
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  #9  
Old 03-11-2012, 02:35 AM
LemonCakeIsALie33 LemonCakeIsALie33 is offline
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Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
There's no reason to rush into things. Be romantically involved for now and let her decide when it's appropriate for the two of you to become sexual. She can discuss it with him and you can be supportive, but If you push this you could jeopardize things.
Sorry, I was unclear - I'm willing to be very patient. He said he may never be okay with us being sexual together.

She would be okay with being sexual right now if not for him.
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  #10  
Old 03-12-2012, 06:10 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Well it seems like he is apprehensive and slightly threatened. If might be a good idea to tell him that eventually you will want that in your relationship with her but for now you are okay with starting off slowly and seeing how it goes. That his pace is important to you and that you wish to make sure that he is as comfortable as possible with this process. I would add at the end that you will be considering everyones comfort as much as possible and if that means that the sexual aspect need pushing to ensure that, that you will be advocating for moving ahead in this department. I see no reason to sugar coat or make promises that are impossible to keep. After all, part of a partnership is often sexual. If that is something you and her desire then its important to be honest about your compromise for him and your willingness to compromise for now.

This is reminding me of my journey with this with my partner Mono and my now ex, Leo. You can read about it in my blog from Christmas 2010 until the spring of 2011. It was a ride that I think ended my relationship with Leo. Neither of us were getting our needs met I don't think and as a result I was just not able to go to the depth that I am accustom to and really need.
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