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  #231  
Old 03-07-2012, 08:18 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Originally Posted by Polywaw View Post
Then it sort of clicked, most couples aren't just looking for a unicorn. They've found one (bi, attractive, open to triad chick) and are with them. They're looking for two.
Thanks for reading, and I think you are on to something there. I said to Moonlight that his problem with poly is that he is trying to hit the jackpot twice. He already has an amazing wife, and is trying to find an amazing gf.

I no longer ID as an unicorn, since I am happily partnered with a woman for life. It just so happens that my current boyfriend is also involved with my partner, but I don't need them to be a couple for us to be a couple with the bf.
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  #232  
Old 03-07-2012, 08:24 PM
Polywaw Polywaw is offline
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It was a big step for us to stop actively searching and pining after a third. I've spent some time the last few days here updating and putting us out there, but it's more of trying to be part of the poly community.

From reading so much of this site, it doesn't really seem like a couple goes out, finds a unicorn, brings her home and happily ever after. 'Normal' (and by that I mean the average, straight, American, mono relationship) hardly ever work that way (maybe anymore). These relationship seem highly complicated and very hard to anticipate.

For many of you with some level of success (and I consider myself successful in this endeavor: happy couple, a happy triad would just add to it) it seems to almost happen by accident.

Best of luck.
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  #233  
Old 03-11-2012, 04:02 PM
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Default NRE monstrosities

So, it appears I have turned into an NRE monster.

The weekend was spent fighting, mostly. First Cookie and Vanilla had a massive two-hour fight, and I had a panic attack. I've come to realize I shy away from conflicts, which isn't necessarily the best pattern to have when you're poly. They slept in separate beds and I literally felt torn apart, having to choose with whom to sleep. I even contemplated getting the one-person camp bed out to circumvent the whole issue.

It was a good fight, though, although Vanilla is still really hurt and kinda pissed off that Cookie hasn't apologized even though she said she was hurt by what he said. They agreed to be metamours from now on. Metamours who cuddle and occasionally sleep together, that is. So we're in a tree now, I guess. Or a vead. Not a triad but not exactly a vee either.

Vanilla was upset because although in theory, she was supposed to be Cookie's gf too, all the affection and the attention from him was flowing solely in my direction. When they talked about it previously, Cookie said that he wanted to be partners, not metamours. Turns out he was only saying that because he thought that if he only dated me, that would create a drift between me and Vanilla.

So, after the catastrophic Friday night, things were quickly looking up for our polycircle. We went to a house party together all three of us. After the party we were supposed to go with Vanilla to another party downtown. After we came home from party number one, Vanilla confessed she would like to sleep with Cookie. It didn't happen, thanks to the beers Cookie had consumed earlier that night, but I sort of was left with the impression that Vanilla wanted to continue hanging out with him too. What I did was locate my desire to continue hanging out with him in Vanilla, to make it okay for him to come to the party number two with us. So when he invited himself to the party number two, I was more than happy to oblige.

So, to the party we went, and I had a lovely time with Cookie. We had been in the club for about an hour when I started wondering why Vanilla was taking so long outside having her cigarette. I looked for her in the club in vain, and then asked her friend if she had seen Vanilla. "She went home". WHAT?!?

An angry text/phone fight ensued. I resent people pulling histrionics instead of coming up front to tell what's eating at them. Vanilla maintains she's happy that she did it, since it was the only way to get my attention, because according to her, I spent the entire night lost in Cookie's throat anyway. I guess she was right, although I did try to involve her. I've talked before how she should signal the exact moment when she feels neglected, so I can learn what I'm doing wrong and start paying more attention to her in tangible ways she can see and appreciate. She thinks she shouldn't have to beg for my attention if we are supposed to be together anyway.

Vanilla left the party because she was feeling physically sick because of all the jealousy and neglect, and my shouting didn't improve matters . She feels that throughout this month, she's constantly been asking us to slow things down, for me to pay attention to her, for us to have more time alone, for Cookie not to start moving into our place, and none of the talking has had any effect one my behaviour. I act really impulsively and move things along fast on the best of days, and especially so when I'm falling for someone. So I'm an NRE demon, and can't handle it.

I've suggested before we stop seeing Cookie together and I only hang out with him when Vanilla's unavailable. She doesn't want that because she holds Cookie dear and enjoys time spent among the three of us. However, their connection is not strong enough for her to want date time with him alone. She feels it's unfair that because I can't stop being an arse and neglecting her, nobody gets to have threesome time (not in the way of sex but in general hanging-out-together way).

We've tried to hatch a game plan for us to move along from this point.
1. We calm things down for now, which means no time between the three of us at least until we come back from a holiday we've been waiting for a really long time.
2. Both get to have two dates per week with their guys: one night a week I go to Cookie's and Pistachio comes over at our place, the second night Cookie comes over and Vanilla sleeps at Chio's. One night a week (during the weekend, most likely) Cookie comes over to our place and we hang out all together.
3. We make specific agreements over which functions we shall attend all three together and which are just for Vanilla and me. Vanilla's said I don't keep to these agreements and I think I either simply forget or maybe want to forget what was agreed to before. So I hope these will be really specific in the future.
4. I also hope Vanilla will start pointing out to me when I'm out of line. She feels this is unfair for her, but I hope she would be willing to do it for as long as I get out of this crazy NRE muddle.
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Last edited by BlackUnicorn; 03-11-2012 at 04:08 PM.
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  #234  
Old 03-11-2012, 04:22 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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What a crazy story. While it really sucks that you guys are going through growing pains it is nice to see others having similar problems to what I do. Feeling neglected even when you aren't necessarily being neglected is a hard jealousy to overcome. I can identify with vanilla big time. I constantly go after the damsel in distress and I get jealous when I am ignored even if it's just perceived and not real. Ironically, I have no issue with what they do when I am not there.
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  #235  
Old 03-11-2012, 07:10 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Ah, the dreaded NRE monster. Runic Wolf really had to beat me over the head with the reality stick on occasion. It does get better, but Vanilla really does need to accept that NRE is like a drug and you will occasionally need her to reign you in. Runic Wolf had a hard time with feeling neglected even when I was present with him. It's funny because he's in NRE with Loveleigh and instead of it bothering me, I'm enjoying it.
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  #236  
Old 03-11-2012, 09:06 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I'm wondering if you use something like google calendar to schedule, and if that could help you remember the specifics you've agreed to for who at what functions?
Sounds like you have a good plan.
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  #237  
Old 03-12-2012, 07:41 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Seems like scheduling would be paramount which it seems like you've tackled. YES Vanilla needs to be her own advocate, and it is too bad that she isn't eager for that role, but I can get the reluctance, as I like to think my partners can tell when I'm uncomfortable and that if they are paying attention they will do something about it. And that is great, but I still need to speak up if it turns out they DON'T get it.

Is it possible that besides two dates a week you schedule a communication/reading of a certain book about poly/communication/relational date night that you can share with Vanilla or perhaps Cookie too (or anybody else who could benefit from it you know)? Going over a certain chapter where you can discuss feelings or practice skills that will keep another night like V disappearing from the club from happening again because you are all able to better speak up?
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  #238  
Old 03-13-2012, 09:56 AM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Default Thanks for all the support and input!

Quote:
Originally Posted by NovemberRain View Post
I'm wondering if you use something like google calendar to schedule, and if that could help you remember the specifics you've agreed to for who at what functions?
We have the stick-and-stones version of GoogleCalendar hanging on our wall, and inspired by your suggestion we agreed to put down dates/functions that are just for the two of us with a special code on our family planner, so no chance for miscommunication/forgetting later!

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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Is it possible that besides two dates a week you schedule a communication/reading of a certain book about poly/communication/relational date night that you can share with Vanilla or perhaps Cookie too (or anybody else who could benefit from it you know)? Going over a certain chapter where you can discuss feelings or practice skills that will keep another night like V disappearing from the club from happening again because you are all able to better speak up?
That is a lovely idea, thank you! I think we will start with Pekka Hämäläinen's book I mentioned earlier, and maybe progress to a more lesbian-specific book if that goes well.
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  #239  
Old 03-14-2012, 08:40 AM
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I'm wondering, how do you actually behave in NRE? Is that true how Vanilla put it, that you spent a lot of time making out with Cookie?

I don't think it would really solve anything for you to only see Cookie when Vanilla is unavailable. It only puts off dealing with the issue, whether the issue is that she feels uncomfortable seeing you in NRE with somebody else or that you neglect her when you're in NRE with somebody else (do you know which one it is, the issue?).

I don't think it is or should be Vanilla's responsibility to point out when you're being neglectful or inconsiderate towards her. I do think the person in NRE has to put extra effort into making sure she's not being an arse. So is it really the case that you can't tell when you're inconsiderate, or doing something that could make her uncomfortable? Say, you and Cookie met with a good friend of yours and had coffee all three of you. Whatever you think could (reasonably) make your friend uncomfortable, you should consider stuff that may make Vanilla feel uncomfortable. Your friend would assumably be fine with you hugging or kissing briefly a few times, but not with foreplay. So, even if you do sometimes have hot threesomes, it is still the case that when you're out and about Vanilla can feel like a third wheel if you have your tongue in his mouth for the whole evening. Or what do you think?

Oh, and really? You think all three of you moving in at this point would be a good idea? I would be insanely scared to do that after reading all the poly-drama-horrorstories here about what cohabitation leads to when you do it too soon. I think all of the polyfamilies here who've done it succesfully have waited for quite a long time.
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  #240  
Old 03-14-2012, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by rory View Post
I don't think it is or should be Vanilla's responsibility to point out when you're being neglectful or inconsiderate towards her. I do think the person in NRE has to put extra effort into making sure she's not being an arse. So is it really the case that you can't tell when you're inconsiderate, or doing something that could make her uncomfortable?
I disagree as I know how I can be at times without having any bad intentions. I sometimes don't get it. It's as simple as that. I sometimes need someone pointing out to me what I have caused by behaving like this or like that. Therefore, no, it shouldn't be a responsibility, but it can help to bear in mind if a person is bad at picking up signals from others in special situations. I am often made aware of my shortcomings in regard to interaction with others, and I am extremely thankful to my close friends and family minding it.

Of course I try to mind my partners as much as possible, but there are situations I don't get the reason why someone is upset by something I did or said. And it is helpful to be reminded of that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rory View Post
Oh, and really? You think all three of you moving in at this point would be a good idea? I would be insanely scared to do that after reading all the poly-drama-horrorstories here about what cohabitation leads to when you do it too soon. I think all of the polyfamilies here who've done it succesfully have waited for quite a long time.
Well, not ALL polyfamilies as we moved in Lin right after deciding on giving poly a go. But maybe that's the obligatory exception to the rule. But I have to admit that statistically (going by this forum at least) rushing things is a bad idea.
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