Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 03-10-2012, 03:31 AM
Savenleye Savenleye is offline
New Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1
Default Boyfriend wants a third

Hey everyone,

This is super new to me, and it has been really eating away at the back corners of my brain lately. I needed an outlet and found this forum while I was searching for some people who could relate.

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months now. Not super long, I know, but the last guy I dated was way long term (5 years) and after some time to reflect after a fairly bitter breakup, it gave me some razor sharp focus on what I did and did not want in my next relationship. My current boyfriend meets if not exceeds all of those things, which I'm still kind of getting used to. =P

Anyway, at one point fairly early on in the relationship, he confessed that he was interested in a threesome. I told him I was not comfortable with the idea of including another girl sexually in our relationship. Then he clarified. He basically confessed that he didn't actually mean just for sex. He was talking about another girlfriend. I told him I needed to process it a little. Over the last few months, he has expounded on the subject, saying that he doesn't see a problem with loving more than one person at a time, that our culture is too constrictive on non-traditional relationships. (I don't disagree!) Again, though, I said I was really uncomfortable with the idea of any kind of threesome/third person, though, and so we kind of left it at that.

It has continued to come up every once in a while--but he has never pressed it on me or anything. He has made it perfectly clear that his number one priority is to guard my heart in all this, he doesn't want me getting into something that will end up with me being hurt (long term breakups and such notwithstanding). But it has come up again, the topic always being spawned from vaguely related conversations and never out of the blue.

So, now to the meat of the problem... I'm a pleaser. This is obviously really important to him, and at the very least something he wants to try. My gut reaction at first was no effing way, not a chance, I am too jealous of a person and I don't want to share. But I'm also a logical person who wants my boyfriend to be happy. I sat down with myself and worked through, over time, why I felt that way. A lot of it had to do with a cheating ex (and a lot of other negative results of dating that guy). Once I cleared out all the bad mojo, I could think more with more of a level-head about it.

I've come to the tentative conclusion that, if I was totally in control of looking for a third, getting to know her, forming a bond of trust with her first, before my boyfriend gets involved, I could maybe see that working. I would even go so far as to say I'm even intrigued by the idea. It would circumvent a lot of the issues I would have with the idea of bringing in a third person to our relationship.

This might sound a little convoluted, but I think it explains how I feel best. Him being in control of the search makes me feel like the third girl is *his* girl that we are both involved with. I'm comfortable with the idea of her being *my* girl that we are both involved with. If he picked out a girl and asked me if I approved, I would feel like I was being asked to share my position of being his girlfriend, whereas if I picked the girl and introduced them, I would feel like I was letting/asking her share in my role. My choice first, his approval second, instead of his approval first, my choice second.

He's not comfortable with this idea. He's very dominant, and he wants very much to be the hunter/pursuer/call-it-what-you-will in his relationship(s). I am severely uncomfortable with this idea as I'm the one who would be giving up the exclusivity of this relationship. If it's going to work, I strongly feel that I need to have control over who we bring in, which directly conflicts with his desire to pick the girl and get my approval. If he picks, I will have trust issues with the girl. If I pick, I won't, because I picked her.

On a side note, I'm a little concerned that it won't work out well because we are both straight. I can't imagine ever being strongly sexually attracted to another girl, and I know that a standard perception of a trigonomous relationship is that there is one straight and two bi partners. I feel like, due to my being straight, I would just end up one end of a V, and I would absolutely not be okay with that.

Again, just as a reminder, my boyfriend is not pressing this on me in any way. We're trying to figure out if it's a possibility, and he's ready to drop the thing (albeit with some disappointment, but that's to be expected) if I'm just not comfortable with it. Heck, as it is, we're both so picky about who we date that we jokingly point out that there's probably not a girl in the world who would meet all of both our qualifications.

So. Thoughts?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 03-10-2012, 05:26 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Sorry for the bluntness, but you are not purchasing a puppy. This "girlfriend" also has needs, goals, family, baggage, a life... Please put this into perspective and realize that people are not owned and cannot be pushed into "loving" and having sex with people after you decide they are okay. That they match up. Its very disrespectful and creates lack of worth for partners. This fantasy woman deserves to be loved and cherished equally to you. She is worth as much as you are. She is not your slave that will obey what you tell her.

I suggest you work on getting your head around him having another girlfriend and stay out of the triad situation. No one deserves a partnership that is made out of pleasing a man. What is more healthy is creating situations and relationships that are fulfilling the needs of everyone involved. If you know you are not going to be okay with this then I suggest moving on to someone that is like minded to you or working really hard on that jealousy and doing the work that needs to be done with him to make this work. It does work. It is possible, but it will rock your world and nothing will be the same again. Most of all your relationship will never be the same again.

I suggest you have a look around here. Read lots and get to know what poly is. You seem to not have a grasp on the basic concepts and theories. Have a look at the search engine in the tag section and find threads that seem interesting. You might want to start with "unicorns" "unicorn" "triad" "vee" "lessons" "foundation" I would also suggest getting your boyfriend to read and learn with you before looking at any "girlfriend" options.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03-10-2012, 06:18 AM
Derbylicious's Avatar
Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Victoria BC
Posts: 1,603
Default

Poly isn't something you should even think of attempting to please someone else. Chances are it would just end in resentment. If your heart isn't in it just don't go there. If it means the end to the relationship you're in that just means you life has opened up to someone who fits your needs better.

And now I'm going to totally go off on a tangent: Why is it that in relationships where both partners are straight and they want to add a third is it always the woman who is expected to go against her natural sexuality? How about asking your boyfriend how he would feel about adding another boyfriend for you both to share? If he wouldn't do it why should you? If you're not into someone you're not into them and pretending to be will just be hurtful in the longrun to that person!
__________________
Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03-10-2012, 07:20 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,235
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Savenleye View Post
If he picked out a girl and asked me if I approved, I would feel like I was being asked to share my position of being his girlfriend, whereas if I picked the girl and introduced them, I would feel like I was letting/asking her share in my role. My choice first, his approval second, instead of his approval first, my choice second.
Oh, like picking out a sandwich from a menu, how nice. Can you really think of anyone who would want to be "picked out" and "approved" like a slab of meat?

And why would you have sex with a chick if you're straight? Just to have control? For a guy you've only been with for six months? Don't blame bad ideas on being a "pleaser." That makes no sense. I suggest you do some reading about polyamory. I don't think you really have a clear understanding of what it's about. Sorry to be so blunt, but...
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein

Last edited by nycindie; 03-10-2012 at 07:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03-10-2012, 08:00 PM
Arrowbound's Avatar
Arrowbound Arrowbound is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Tri-State
Posts: 275
Default

Like Redpepper mentioned, I really don't think you have a grasp on what such a relationship entails. There is a lot of reading and processing to be done first. Don't even entertain the thought of involving someone else without doing your research.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03-11-2012, 07:50 PM
Jericka Jericka is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: California
Posts: 50
Default

" I am severely uncomfortable with this idea as I'm the one who would be giving up the exclusivity of this relationship".

Why just you? I know the whole thing wan't your idea, and I can see that a threesome is what he wants....

But, you don't actually have to be a part of it unless you want to. He could find two girls who are willing, and you?

You could find a guy that you are attracted to to go on dates with when your other guy is busy.

Consider it, at least.

Because your solution of picking the girl?

Really not advisable!

I come at this from the angle of the possible third, mostly because I'm not married and my relationships mostly fall into the usual "secondary" pattern. Any woman approaching me as a possible partner for her guy and possible third would have a horrible time getting me to even consider the idea. The situation just SCREAMS jealousy and boundary issues, and I am so very not into complicating my life in that fashion.

Let me say this again, anyone you approached to add as a third would see this as Drama Waiting To Happen, unless they were way inexperienced or not perceptive enough.

On the other hand, if you let him find a girl or two(please don't force it to be a package deal!) and find someone to spend time with of your own choice, this seems way more reasonable and less Inevitable Drama to most.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03-12-2012, 01:45 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,233
Default

"If he picks, I will have trust issues with the girl. If I pick, I won't, because I picked her."

I think you're making a big leap, to assume you won't have trust issues if you identify the girl that you want the two of you to date. In situations where a new person gets involved with a couple, they almost always form a stronger bond with one member of the couple than the other. It's just human nature, no two relationships happen in the exact same way, at the same time, at the same rate. Since your bf is the one who is actually into women, it seems likely that a woman would form a stronger romantic bond with him than with you. Would you really feel no jealousy in that scenario... or would you just feel betrayed because she was supposed to be "yours"?

"I feel like, due to my being straight, I would just end up one end of a V, and I would absolutely not be okay with that."

How could there be any other result? Isn't the very definition of being straight that you fall in love and in lust with, and want to have relationships with, people of the opposite gender? In a triad all three people share relationships with each other, how could that *possibly* happen in this scenario? Not trying to be mean, but I really don't get it.

I would strongly encourage you to just say "no" and to move on if he can't accept being exclusive. Alternately, maybe do a bunch of reading and soul searching and try to get more comfortable with the idea of a vee and consider finding another guy to date in addition to your bf... that's a much better way to avoid feeling left out than trying to date a girl when you don't even like girls and trying to stake some claim on her that almost certainly won't work and will just leave all involved hurt.

This is a tough situation. :/ Good luck!
__________________
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03-14-2012, 03:40 AM
ray's Avatar
ray ray is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 819
Default

I can identify with the 'pleaser' mindset. I became someone's secondary mainly for that reason, once upon a time. The wife, also a pleaser, tried to go along with it but I don't believe she was ever really okay with it. The lesson being that trying to please some one else is a terrible reason to try poly and usually ends with people getting hurt. If at some point, you think about poly and feel good about it, great! Go ahead and try it. But it's really okay to look at it and say, hey, this isn't for me. Even if that means losing the relationship.

Here's the thing. Even if you can control who, what, where, when, there are still so many elements out of your control. Like feelings. If being in control is the only way that you feel safe to step into this, it's a fantasy. That's not how it will end up. Granted, boundaries are important in polyamory but there's a difference between good boundaries and running your relationships like a lab experiment with controlled variables.

Don't be in a rush to please your boyfriend with this one. There's no shame in wanting exclusivity. Nor in being straight. Listen to what you really need beneath all those pleasing instincts. You might end up between a rock and a hard place but it's usually better to pick the one that let's you stay true to yourself.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 03-14-2012, 04:28 AM
drtalon's Avatar
drtalon drtalon is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Raleigh, NC
Posts: 112
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Savenleye View Post
after a fairly bitter breakup, it gave me some razor sharp focus on what I did and did not want in my next relationship.
Have you considered what razor sharp focus you'll have after the relationship you're in now ends? Snark aside, it's doesn't sound like a good idea to let your relationship standards be reactions to whatever bad thing last happened.

If you find the idea of monogamy outdated or part of a cultural regime that you don't necessarily agree with, you should by all means explore those ideas. If you decide to try being non-monogamous for a while, go for it. If you want a strong emotional component in all your relationships, you could try polyamory. Just realize that the polyfidelitous triad is not the only structure polyamorous relationships can take. Limiting yourself to that structure comes with a kind of reputation that could seriously limit your options.

But, if you're just sacrificing your emotional boundaries and happiness in your relationship in order to please your boyfriend, please don't inflict that drama on other people in the process.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 03-14-2012, 02:40 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,235
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by drtalon View Post
Limiting yourself to that structure comes with a kind of reputation that could seriously limit your options.
Great article, Dr. Talon! That should be posted in the Online Poly Resources sticky or Press and Media forum, methinks.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
secondaries, secondary, triad, unicorn, unicorn hunter, unicorn hunting

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:19 PM.