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Old 03-10-2012, 01:40 AM
Steven Steven is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 2
Question Very new here - and looking for your opinion


I'm not sure that it's really appropriate posting to this forum, as it's my first time here! But I have been poly almost all my adult life - without admitting it - so although this forum is new to me, who I am has been a constant for over 20 years now. Here's the catch - I have never acted on my poly beliefs. I have, for my whole life, been monogamous.

I know that must sound wacko - does to me too - but I can't explain it any other way. I am married, one child plus 2 from my wife's former husband whom I have raised these last 13 years. I was married before, for nearly 10 yrs. Quit that because, well, I couldn't put a word to it (didn't know that polyamory was an option. I thought I was just a freak.) but I wanted other loves in my life, not just one. And like a guy trying too hard to be monogamous, I fell in love right away after leaving my first wife. I have had no other relationships other then the 2 women I married (have not even dated other people). So to sum up, I've been living in monogamy continuously since the age of 19.

Please don't judge me as weak for not having come out earlier in my life. I'm definitely not a weak person! But I have always taken it upon myself to prove (to myself and to the women in my life who are role-models for me) that I am NOT a typical pig/jerk male. I've accomplished this by trying to make monogamy work, and that has come at the expense of being who I really am.

I could blame not coming earlier on the Leave-It-To-Beaverland beliefs that western society rams down our throats. But that's not being honest. I have no problems rejecting many of our cultures pressures, and have been very successful in my life because of that. In retrospect, I don't think living monogamously has been a mistake, just a side-path on my journey. And now I'm simply further along my path in life.

However, I have never been fully honest with my wives about who I am - which is unfair to both of them - so now I have a choice to make. Do I continue to lead my life of monogamy, which makes her happy but not me. Do I leave her to embrace this life (we have an 8 yr old child - so this choice isn't a good one!), or do I *somehow* try to explain to her who I am?

When I say "never been fully honest" with my wife, what I mean is that she knows I'm very interested in being intimate with other people, but she has assumed (and I have not protested enough) that this means Swinging. She has actually volunteered to try swinging, and she hopes that a few random-sex experiences will be all that I need to 'cure' my need for more sexual experiences. But when the topic comes up, I have come up with excuses to avoid actually doing the swinging-thing, because it's just not me. It's not about the sex with other women (or men), which is something she can just (barely) accept. For me it's about the closeness, the bonding and deep love that comes with a long-lasting relationships. The learning and growing. And me loving another woman or man is not something she will handle well at all! I have told her, in the past, that I don't believe in monogamy, but this has fallen on deaf ears. I'll tell her, wait for a response, and get nothing. So it is difficult to continue a conversation when you're not sure of your spouse's opinion on the matter - and she has made it indirectly clear that this is not something she wants to talk about.

So now I'm at that crossroads. Do I hurt her by saying (as compassionately as possible) that I'm simply living only part of my life? Or do I just shut-up, give up on the chance of real happiness in my relationships, and move on? Maybe take up a serious hobby, run for office (lol!) or spend more time in my business.

Can anyone relate to this? Sorry for being so long-winded. This is years and years of supression coming out (and I've edited this down to a fraction of what I want to say! )

So please let me know what you think about what I have said, thank you!

Last edited by Steven; 03-10-2012 at 01:49 AM.
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