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  #11  
Old 11-23-2009, 09:25 PM
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I think I can speak for LR on one point. Any thing asked or stated on this board will not offend ither of us. The hard questions are allways the ones that people avoid for themselves.There also the questions that need to be asked and answered in order to grow.

I know that LR's purpose in this "date night" was not to make herself feel better about anything inthe past or the present.( We talked for a solid 2 weeks about it). It was I who brought up the concept of facing a fear of mine( weather I could sleep with someone and not go crazy). For me sex is not just a physical act. It has allways involved emotions. I know that I can FUCK but I wasnt sure I could makelove to someone else and not lose touch of my emotions and love for my wife.I know that dosent make sense to experienced Poly folk. But it made sense to me so I needed to explore that side of me and this was a safe way to do that.

As for dating this lady. Its not out of the question but its also not a right now thing for ither of us.It wouldnt be fair to her or me at this point in my life.As you all probably know there is and will still be major changes in my life and the way I see relationships.Until such time as I know that I have a grasp of what I need VS what I just want I cant be true to another.

As for what I think LR got out of it. She got her man back with a better understanding of our relationship. She got a friend from a guy that was stuck at JUST being a husband.She got to know that I now can understand that even though she has sex with GG she still comes back to me with love in her heart and in her soul for me. And that her love for me dosent change because she has another love in her life.

As for if Im Poly. I know that I am Poly. I wasnt able to accept it though. I didnt think I deserved it. I didnt think I could understand it. I was wrong....I just needed the go ahead from the most important person in my life ( LR). I needed to know I wasnt a freak of nature or that I was some sort of pervert that wanted to love more then just my wife.Im so much happier living with a open mind and open heart.


Peace and Love
Maca
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  #12  
Old 11-23-2009, 09:57 PM
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Well that's all good news Maca! You had a very dangerous way of getting to your conclusion if you ask me, but you got there. That's all that matters.
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  #13  
Old 11-23-2009, 10:05 PM
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So what was in it for this woman then? How does she feel about it? How do you feel about her now? Loving? You said it was love making, not just fucking, how would you be able to not want something more from the experience if you found the kind of connection lovemaking creates?

Sorry, I just find this facinating!
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  #14  
Old 11-23-2009, 10:36 PM
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Okay, more thinking... LR and GG are different than what you experienced no? They are in love...

I think that my definition of poly may be different than yours. Perhaps that's it. I don't understand how one makes love to a friend. Is that not for lovers? I never considered it before. You had candles, massage oil, the whole bit for someone that you just hang with. Or LR hangs with? For me I guess fucking and friends fits and lovemaking and lovers fits. Sometimes lovers fuck, but friends making love kinds jars me somehow. It feels uncomfortable. I say this with all due respect. If it worked for you then great, it makes me feel uneasy for some reason. I'm hoping that someone has something else to say as I feel like a bit of a dork with all this.
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Old 11-23-2009, 11:53 PM
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it sounds like this really has brought you all closer,

it was similar for Montianboy when he first started to experiment with poly, he wanted too but he was afraid, and it took actually being with another woman to help him see that he could do this without it affecting how he loved me,

so what you and Maca did makes perfect sense in my world

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  #16  
Old 11-24-2009, 12:50 AM
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My take on this Redpepper, is that this was a replication of love with a safety net. With the other woman knowing that this had to be treated delicately. For some the actual act of sex holds greater significance than the emotional bond that they may have for each other. So this would confront the fear that the sexual act would harm their relationship or rather if Maca would be able to come back and view his relationship with LR in that same way he did before or if he would see it as tarnishing or taking away from his relationship with her.

Forgive me for speaking in general, but men sometimes do have a different view of sex and see it as a bigger deal than an emotional bond. I am thankful that the two of you have shared something very intimate publicly and please know that what I'm writing is basically what I have learned through your experience. My take on this its great that you learned that you can sleep with someone else and come back with the same love, but this is just a replication of love and if/when the time comes that you have feelings for someone else don't be suprised if the way the each of you react is different.
At least through my eyes, that is. So take it with a grain of salt. For me, an emotional bond brings in deeper emotions and fears than a physical act. But this is actually something I am exploring in myself because sex should be the ultimate expression of love and an emotional bond, but I know there isn't one needed to have sex. Anyways, before I take this topic onto something else I'll leave my inner search for another time.
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  #17  
Old 11-24-2009, 12:54 AM
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Quote:
but why would Maca think that he couldn't fuck another woman without you around (I have to say, *really!*)
Physically. What he was worried about was that since he was raised (and thought that he believed) that sex and love were...... well went hand in hand, then he was concerned he PHYSICALLY wouldn't be able to go there with someone else.

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and why would you want to add this drama added to your life?
I don't. BUT I do want him to face down his fears and find out the truth of who he is. I want him to be able to know if he can or can't handle a poly relationship in any aspects he thinks interest him and know I will support him in doing so in so much as I can.


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Stuff like that creates craziness in my experience and adds more to an already complicated issue.
yes it does add complications. I was careful to choose someone who is a GOOD friend of mine and understands fully that this is a one time thing so he could decide if he CAN be poly (on his end) and face his fears that he wouldn't be able to go through with things-as a friend guiding a friend down a frightening path that could lead to a beautiful garden on the other side.

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Was this to some how even up the score, make you feel that your cheating for 15 years was somehow lessened? Was it just a way to have his needs met so that you would feel better about your and greenchecos needs being met?
Nope. Not at all. That's just not my style. I've always taken full responsibility for my actions. EVEN when I was doing them. (sounds bizarre-but it is true). Ironically GG's and my needs don't include NEEDING sex. Maca's do. Without sex-he feels less wanted, less loved, less needed. But GG and I don't have that dynamic in our relationship. GG's a crapload more "vanilla" than Mono just based on the few things that have been detailed about Mono on this board. Our "needs" are more along the line of time to talk about WHATEVER we want/need to discuss and freedom to confide in one another. I need to be able to put my head on his shoulder when my world starts to fall apart (or feels like it is) but it's really just not sexual. Dont get me wrong-yes we have and do have sex. But it's so completely not sexual... I don't even know HOW to explain that one. Sorry.


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I don't mean to sound rude, and blunt, and certainly am not judging, but I am trying to understand and care about you all.
No worries. I don't mind questions-they help clarify concepts and ensure joint understanding.

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How this would at all benefit anyone other than your friend and Maca got a night of fucking that was above board is very odd to me and rather puzzling.
Mostly-this was for Maca to "test the waters". The benefits to me (or GG) are only in our having more of an ability to bond with him if he knows himself better. That's it.
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  #18  
Old 11-24-2009, 12:58 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Just one more thing, I'm glad it all brought you together! You have a funny way of bringing yourselves back to connection though I must say!

Does this mean Maca is considering dating this woman? Could he be poly after all?! Not the ideal way to start a relationship, but..... I'm one to talk.
Yes he's poly. I knew he was RP. But he had his heartbroken so often by lies and misinformation he was afraid to even acknowledge it within himself.

I don't know if he is considring that or not-but I do know that if he is-he's going to have to put a lot, LOT of time into building a friendship. She doesn't want a FB or even a FWB. She wants a bf who can love and care for her as she is for who she is (she's married as well and yes he knows all about it-he and I talked for hours Friday night as a matter of fact).
She learned the hard way that being someone's sextoy sucks.
She agreed to do this (don't usually speak for others but in this case I think it's ok) because she knew she was the safest bet for Maca to face his fears without significant "fallout" for him or the rest of us and she cares about our whole family. Our kids are friends, we are friends etc.
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  #19  
Old 11-24-2009, 12:58 AM
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When I refered to love making I was refering to the fact that It was tender, not rushed,not done without feelings. I didnt want to treat her like a toy to be played with. She has feelings also and she deserved to be treated that way.To me love making and fucking are a difference of mind set.LR and I fuck plenty ( and its great fun) we make love ( and its heart felt) and then there are times when we are IN love and our bodys are one.That last part is one that is reserved for someone that Im in love with.It dosent equate with sex all the time.
I do see a difference in being loving and being IN love.

maca
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  #20  
Old 11-24-2009, 01:00 AM
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Thanks lifesrogue. Very well put.
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