Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #21  
Old 03-09-2012, 12:35 PM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 821
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
Wow, this is the real deal. Your wife is off, far away, getting f****d by some other guy, gazing into his eyes, moaning w pleasure, maybe falling in love w him. That's polyamory. Sorry to be blunt, but hey, that's what you signed up for. Embrace it. There's no going back. Are you sure you want this? If so, be strong. There are meaningful perks.
Although you may be technically accurate, it really rubs me the wrong way when people say stuff like this. If you sit around thinking "my partner is off getting fucked by somebody" it seems like a set up to feel bad about it - and this isn't the first time I've seen an OP pretty much say "OK, my wife is off having sex, I'm dealing with it well enough" and somebody comes and says "your wife is off fucking this dude" (and that's ALWAYS said by a guy in my experience) It just doesn't seem like there's a nice purpose to that. I mean geesh, when somebody is working hard and dealing pretty well with a new poly experience, why start trying to put crappy images in his head about how there must be this moaning hot fuckfest going on? Maybe there's awkward laughter and condom related performance issues. Maybe the sex is nice but she's missing that delicious connection she has with her husband because he knows how to touch her just right. Maybe most of the time is spent trying to figure out where to go for lunch.

Regardless, I'm feeling snarky because I feel like when people say stuff like that, they are probably having anger & insecurity issues in their own relationship, instead of feeling loved and supportive of their own stuff. Just feel like there's no need to try to try to rain on someone's parade just for the hell of it, as I didn't see anything in this thread that required a reality check of that nature. Perhaps I'm out of line, and it's cause it's 4 am, but I can't resist posting anyway
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 03-09-2012, 01:32 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,375
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
It's not unbearable yet but I made the joke to her today that by monday I was going to be a broken man, lol.
Yikes. Be careful about making jokes like that. The image of you as a "broken man" has been put into her consciousness now and it will likely have an effect. Don't forget that she is going through her own emotional roller-coaster about this change to your relationship, too. She doesn't want to think that what she's doing will break you down.

While having a sense of humor is important, making jokes about something you're uncomfortable with can be a passive-aggressive way to get what you want without really asking for it or expressing your fears, needs, etc. That is unconscious sabotage, a way of poisoning things for her -- and ultimately protecting yourself. It's like you put a turd on her ice cream cone, ya know? Here's she's got this nice ice cream and even though the turd is small, she can't enjoy it and has to throw it away. And maybe then she'll forget about all this poly business and just be with you, hmmm.

Better to sit with your feelings, come to terms with the part of you that fears this (this meaning the actual reality of polyamory) and feels it will break you (your words), and talk it out with trusted friends, a therapist, or us folks here before dumping on her. But it is something you should talk about with her when she gets back, after you calm yourself down a bit, and without backhanded jokes.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 03-09-2012, 01:41 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284
Default

Ah, I make dumb jokes all the time like that. She knows how I am and just ignores me. Besides, it has nothing to do with her being with him and everything to do with her being gone. You're right, I probably shouldn't have said it, but I have no doubt she isn't thinking about it.
__________________
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 03-09-2012, 01:42 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25
Default

Good point. I apologize for being vulgar and/or unkind. I have poly tendencies myself, so I should be more compassionate. I just hope the OP thought this through carefully before sending his wife off on her love mission.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 03-09-2012, 01:46 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
Good point. I apologize for being vulgar and/or unkind. I have poly tendencies myself, so I should be more compassionate. I just hope the OP thought this through carefully before sending his wife off on her love mission.
I over analyze every detail of my life. I thought about this week every second of every day I was awake for a month before she went. So yes, I've thought this through. I weighed the pros and cons of letting her go, the fact that she's seeing someone that I know and talk to from time to time, the fact that if he isn't discrete this could hurt a friendship I have with another mono couple we know, and way way more that I don't want to get into right now. Trust me when I say I have thought about this very, very often. I am constantly reevaluating my decision even now and my mind hasn't changed. I'm happy for her.
__________________
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 03-09-2012, 01:59 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,375
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
Ah, I make dumb jokes all the time like that. She knows how I am and just ignores me. Besides, it has nothing to do with her being with him and everything to do with her being gone. You're right, I probably shouldn't have said it, but I have no doubt she isn't thinking about it.
They call those gallows jokes. Because there is lots of pain behind them. Seriously, they do have an effect subconsciously, even if she seems to laugh it off or ignore it. If this is a pattern in how you communicate, it would probably behoove you to look at what the uncomfortable feelings are that prompt you to gloss over them with a joke.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 03-09-2012, 01:59 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,375
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
Good point. I apologize for being vulgar and/or unkind. I have poly tendencies myself, so I should be more compassionate. I just hope the OP thought this through carefully before sending his wife off on her love mission.
You know, even just saying he "sent his wife on a love mission" belittles the choices they both made. What, is she just a body in a package he is sending to someone to use? Geez, SoCalDoc, it would seem you've got your own issues to deal with, eh? She may be "his wife" but she is not a thing that belongs to him. She is her own person, this is what she wanted, they discussed, and he agreed to it and supported her choice.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
Reply With Quote
  #28  
Old 03-09-2012, 03:41 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

I'm having a hard time seeing that (joke ) or comment being anything.

I imagine it came up in the context of ...how are you holding up? ...ok the first day ... had some struggles yesterday and....blah blah ... THE POINT of it is /was ...this has been hard and is getting harder with each day .....maybe harder then he plan for or expected. So what if he express how that discomfort has been building wrapped in an exaggeration (joke). You want to critique his communications style....today. Right now he stuck doing all the heavy lifting ....I give him all the slack he needs or wants. I think her lack of communication is fueling this ....not anything from his end.
Reply With Quote
  #29  
Old 03-09-2012, 04:19 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,375
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
I'm having a hard time seeing that (joke ) or comment being anything.
Maybe you do the same type of thing and that's why can't see it, DH.

Okay, it was just something I pointed out as something to look out for and keep in check. Self-deprecating humor, or any jokes that put down one or the other in a relationship, do harm, whether you see it that way or not.

Maybe it's no big deal to the OP and his wife, it was just a suggestion. Take it or leave it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
THE POINT of it is /was ...this has been hard and is getting harder with each day .....maybe harder then he plan for or expected. So what if he express how that discomfort has been building wrapped in an exaggeration (joke).
Right. So why not just fucking say what's bothering you instead of pretending it doesn't and making a joke about it which gets under the skin? I do have a sense of humor and am often funny in conversations, but I think it's important have awareness about whether or not humor is used as a passive-aggressive way to protect oneself or express discomfort. Because you do that often enough without really talking about the stuff that bothers you and eventually it builds up and explodes shit all over everyone. And what can the other partner say, except, "But I thought you were joking?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by dingedheart View Post
Right now he stuck doing all the heavy lifting ....I give him all the slack he needs or wants. I think her lack of communication is fueling this ....not anything from his end.
Lack of communication? It's only been, like, two days. And wow, interesting how you're the second guy to imply that Katie herself is not wrestling with the emotional ramifications of opening up the marriage. Just because she is the one to find someone and make the trip to start another relationship does not mean she isn't also doing "heavy lifting." Gah! This idea you and SoCalDoc have of the forlorn hubby sitting at home while wifey galavants and gets laid, without being thoughtful or doing any of her own inner work, is so sexist, onesided, and distastetful.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

Last edited by nycindie; 03-09-2012 at 05:25 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #30  
Old 03-09-2012, 04:23 PM
SourGirl's Avatar
SourGirl SourGirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default

Woot, thought-police. My favourite.

If the nature of your relationship, is one where you can be blunt and have fun with things,..then there is no 'pain' or anything wrong with being blunt and cheeky. You don`t need to tippy-toe around each others' fuzzy little hearts,
( as an example.) as long as you are considerate and sincere in actions, and serious discussion.

If the nature of your relationship, is one where you dont normally say blunt, things and jokes of that nature, then it might be shocking and cruel.

If someone was always being 'sensitive' and well, honestly, as humourless as this board can be, it wouldn`t make it to date #2 with me. So lets not paint everyone with the same brush. I`ve had other females and males complain to me privately about this too,..so,..it`s not just me.


..Ok, back to your regular, debatable stuff.

P.S.- I use 'off fucking some dude' type of language all the time. I am most definitely,..not a man.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
anxiety, first time, marriage, mono to poly, new to poly, opening up a marriage, ownership, stress, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:43 PM.