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  #11  
Old 10-21-2011, 01:25 AM
sunnyskies sunnyskies is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bassman View Post
There no "like" buttons here, but I like this thread, too, and am watching with interest!
Thanks bassman! Seeing that people enjoy reading this has inspired me to write again today and it helped me - thanks again
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  #12  
Old 03-08-2012, 04:50 PM
sunnyskies sunnyskies is offline
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It's been a long time, so I thought I'd do some writing...

Things have changed on some fronts.

I am now in a serious relationship with the Cuddler. Things are wonderful!

I met up with the Geek a while ago which was really nice - a lot less awkward than I feared. I am more comfortable loving him silently from a distance. I miss him deeply, but I can now accept the situation much better than I did before.

I still feel the same about the Rock. He mentioned polyamory/nonmonogamy (i forget the precise term) a couple of times, which threw me. I said I had similar thoughts myself but given that this was in work time we didn't go into it any more than that.

I seem to have hit a bit of a brick wall however. The Cuddler knows that I am bicurious and polycurious (i use these terms because everything is as yet internal, I have not acted upon these desires). He repeatedly tells me that I am everything he desires. I feel guilty that despite loving him so completely and deeply I still would like to pursue my desires. I need to talk about these feelings with him more, but am scared to.

I keep justifying my silence with the 'it's not the right time' argument. I also know that there's no way I have time to have more than one relationship right now, I barely have time for 1! I suppose this makes me feel that it's okay not to have discussed things fully, as they don't really apply right now. If I'm not careful though I'll have kept schtum for too long and end up hurting him...

I guess I also have fears that I won't be able to find anyone with whom I would want a relationship when the time is right. I also worry about the future in terms of having children - whether my desires are compatible with the Cuddlers.

How the bloody hell do I muster up the courage to discuss all this, since it's so glaringly obvious that it's what's needed?
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  #13  
Old 03-08-2012, 10:33 PM
sunnyskies sunnyskies is offline
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Oh and also, I have less of a clue as to what I would want out of a polyamorous situation than ever before!

I love the sanctity of the relationship I have with the Cuddler. We have big plans for what we'd like to achieve out of our life together "primary" stylee.

I'm scared though, because I am not sure that opening up my heart would prevent me from having those kind of feelings with another - but I honestly don't think that the Cuddler would cope with not being "primary" as far as my affections were concerned if not living arrangements.

Seriously, if I'd realised what a bloody headache finding out who I am is - realising/admitting I'm bisexual AND polyamorous - I don't think i'd have bothered. I have a lot else going on in my life that I didn't choose & if I'd known I might have chosen the 'ignorance for an easy life' route. Alas, it seems that is not what is destined for me!
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  #14  
Old 03-08-2012, 11:46 PM
sunnyskies sunnyskies is offline
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Hah, writing stuff down certainly helps me get my head straight - should have done this months ago.

Came to the realisation that essentially all my worries stem from 4 things:

1) The Cuddler is 100% the love of my life, he is the man I will have a family with and he takes precendence. I need to pluck up the courage to tell him the extent of my feelings for the Rock - not having done so is making me anxious.

2) I am polyamorous and it is vital to me that I do not cause any hurt to anyone (especially the Cuddler) if I persue this. I need to speak to him more about this and how that can sit in our relationship in a way that is okay to us both. I also need to really find out how he identifies rather than rely on my observations & assumptions.

3) I need to deal with and discuss with him the fact that I'll be investing more with him than anyone else I love. As i've said, I don't ever want to hurt anyone and that includes anyone who I might become involved with.

4) I feel guilty. I am already investing a huge amount of time/effort in family relationships as well as my studies. I also spend some time socialising with his lovely housemates & my friends (my first real proper ones in ages). This takes away from the Cuddler - it pains him when we're apart as it does me & I wouldn't want to add to that any more. I know that I definitely would not want to persue anyone if it did. I have already committed to caring for a family member in future and as I've said I want (need) kids, I also want to work/volunteer/have time for crafting - those things will be pressures on my energies too. The Cuddler knows this and accepts/supports it so the least I can do is negotiate this in a way he's completely comfortable with, and that is fair to the kids - I want to be very hands on! I feel like I'm already asking more than enough!!!

I am in fact doing no 3) and 4) now; the Geek and the Rock both have a strong place in my heart but I am investing nothing in terms of time/energy in those relationships at the moment, and as much as I possibly can with the Cuddler.
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  #15  
Old 03-09-2012, 02:31 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyskies View Post
I need to speak to him more about this and how that can sit in our relationship in a way that is okay to us both. I also need to really find out how he identifies rather than rely on my observations & assumptions.
Yes, Sunny, you need to talk to him, but also be aware that he may not identify as either poly or mono; many people view that aspect of relationship as just a structure, not an identity. That being said, he does sound like someone very much into monogamy. It is possible to have a poly/mono arrangement.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyskies View Post
I need to deal with and discuss with him the fact that I'll be investing more with him than anyone else I love. As i've said, I don't ever want to hurt anyone and that includes anyone who I might become involved with.
Yes, it would behoove you to discuss this as soon as possible, while the relationship is still somewhat new and getting established. It will make it very hard if you two become joined at the hip in monogamy before you pipe up.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sunnyskies View Post
I feel guilty. I am already investing a huge amount of time/effort in family relationships as well as my studies. I also spend some time socialising with his lovely housemates & my friends (my first real proper ones in ages). This takes away from the Cuddler - it pains him when we're apart as it does me & I wouldn't want to add to that any more. I know that I definitely would not want to persue anyone if it did. I have already committed to caring for a family member in future and as I've said I want (need) kids, I also want to work/volunteer/have time for crafting - those things will be pressures on my energies too. The Cuddler knows this and accepts/supports it so the least I can do is negotiate this in a way he's completely comfortable with, and that is fair to the kids - I want to be very hands on! I feel like I'm already asking more than enough!!!
This is a red flag to me. Socializing with friends and making time for family and our passions shouldn't be something that our loved ones hurt themselves with. And I put it that way because you do not hurt him by having other people in your life; any hurt he feels is his own doing. If I were you, I would be very cautious about moving into more serious, deeper commitments and a living situation with him, if he has a hard time with you making choices that support you as an individual and being more than an appendage of him. This could be an early warning sign of someone who is co-dependent or possessive in relationships and doesn't bode well for being okay with polyamory.

People get so afraid to talk about things that are important to them, but so many issues and problems in relationships can simply be handled and resolved with communication. You need to get straight with him tout de suite.
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Last edited by nycindie; 03-09-2012 at 02:36 PM.
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  #16  
Old 03-09-2012, 11:50 PM
sunnyskies sunnyskies is offline
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Thank you nycindie, your response has been helpful!

I think I will show him this thread. As you say, we need to talk - seeing him tomorrow so will make time for this.

A wash of calm has come over me - honesty feels good, simple really
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