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Old 11-23-2009, 04:55 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
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Thanks for sharing all that !
See you've stimulated some insightful comments illustrating the different "takes" people may have.
I especially agree that these quandrys bring to light the reason that a lot of Vs and triads fail (maybe "dissolve" might be a better term?). Unfortunately I think it also contributes to negative images many have of a poly lifestyle. Most just call it "drama" ! Who needs it !
Bust just as important, I think it illustrates why some bright, thoughtful person initially coined the phrases "primary" and "secondary" as parts of the lifestyle.
I would think it would be true that most poly relationships started out - at least in some form - as a binary relationship. In most cases this "couple" (married or not - gay or bi or straight etc or not) made a decision to open that binary up.
Is there any other term - or role - for this new entry other than "secondary"? Would many of the binaries (assuming a tight bond) risk destroying that by the entry of the other ? I don't know. But I suspect not.
The quest for "equality" - while being a beautiful and lofty ideal - would seem to require extensive effort & time in MOST cases. Life is short.
In our experience, especially if the "reality" is laid on the table and discussed openly & honestly from day 1, the new "secondary" understands that despite theoretical dreams for any of us, the present is what it is and the future is yet to be determined. We've found easy acceptance of this and actually feel it helps the bonds grow. Maybe it lessens pressures on everyone because everyone understands what his/her role/place is and understands that ALL of that is subject to change & growth.
So in your particular situation (hope I have the order right here?) how do you think GG sees his "role" - where is his comfort zone - if you and Maca were in a position to have make a call on adding to the family in some way ?
Would he be hurt if you two - as the "primaries" felt you needed to make that call ?
Obviously I don't know GG at all, but if I had to guess - although there might be some "hurt" at first - it would be tempered by understanding of the roles you all play in each others life ? That "hurt" wouldn't be from you and Maca really - so much as it would be from the reality of life - that despite our loftiest dreams - things are seldom perfect and aligned with our deepest desires.
Again - hope I didn't get the roles reversed here - don't have the original within reach here to verify.
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priorities, sharing, third partner, thirds, vee

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