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Old 12-29-2011, 12:24 PM
urmila urmila is offline
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Default I need more time to consider this

About me and my situation i will just quote what i have written in my intro

I am south indian married woman 42, husband is 45. have a son 20 doing his graduate course in another town. I am a home maker and not working outside, basically shy and introvert, but once i get to know a person over a time, i can be free. He is quite opposite and ours is monogamous marriage and until now neither of us had any affair. Now I am in a peculiar situation and am afraid of the future
Recently my cousin(40) has got a job in our town and we had invited him and his wife(38) to stay with us until they gets settled in her new job and finds a decent place to stay. They don’t have any children. Both of them are extrovert like my husband, and all of us were getting on well and had almost accepted them to stay with us until he is working here. suddenly, my husband sprang a surprise telling that He is attracted to my cousin and wants the 4 of us to be a family, and all the time assuring me that he loves me very much and cant think of living without me, also that he will be miserable if I dont accept in which case they have to move out. I dont doubt about his love and i am sure he wont start an affair if i dont accept. Ours is a very conservative traditional society, and was shocked and he told me to think about it. I have not given any answer to this

Meanwhile i took this up with my cousin, he confessed that his wife also expressed the same sentiments. He is sure that she wont proceed further without our consent. And another shocking thing he said was, after his wife revealed her sentiment she told him that she will be happy if he can develop a relationship with me. After that he confessed that he has started seeing me differently and found that it is not a bad idea at all, and dont want to leave us, at the same time assuring me that everything depends on me and nothing will be done behind my back and explained that it is not like just wife swapping like what we have read about, and it is all of us genuinely loving each other. He said it is not a very strange idea and there is even a word for that type of living –“POLIMORY” and gave me some links for me to explore and know more about this. This is the first I have started exploring.
And I am still confuse more than that worried and getting anxious about our future. I have told both my husband and cousin that I need more time to consider this. I honestly don’t know how to deal with the situation. I hope as I explore more I could come to a conclusion with some guidance from people who have adopted this life style.
urmila

Last edited by redpepper; 01-23-2012 at 05:10 AM.
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  #2  
Old 12-30-2011, 10:34 PM
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sage sage is offline
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Hi Urmila

Welcome, I'm glad you found this thread too. I am in a slightly similar situation to you in that my partner has another love who he would like to connect to our life. In my case however the woman isn't as keen as he is and this makes it a lot easier for me. We have been able to take things at a very slow pace and that has been difficult enough. After three years we are in a very good place but our life is still not connected with hers on a regular basis. I have come to accept that if that ever happens I will just have to deal with it.

It does sound to me that your situation is more lust driven than love driven, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with for you. There is really very little you can do than be open to the feelings that come up for you and work through them with these people, one at a time.

I believe that when you truly love someone you cannot put limitations on them that stop them exploring who they are until you have thoroughly explored how
those new developments affect you.

I will keep an eye on this thread so keep communicating and I will try and help you with specific issues you may be going through. There are also a couple of other places that might help - the polymono group at Yahoo Groups and my blog www.polyamorouspeople.com. I haven't posted for some time but I did record my whole process of coming to terms with my situation and there is probably something there that will be useful.

Good luck, and remember you are never alone in this.

Hugs

Sage
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Old 12-31-2011, 10:06 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Hi sage very sweet of u to respond to my entry. your blog was one of the links suggested by my cousin(C). I was surprised to know that the idea of polymory is not so strange as i was thinking and is quite widely prevelent.
I dont think is lust that is driving others towards this idea, and there r other emotions involved. I am going thro the materials available, meanwhile i intend having a talk with C's wife.
I will keep updating and even ask for some suggestion from u,
Hugs
urmila
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Old 01-09-2012, 10:23 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Red face

Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Hi Urmila



It does sound to me that your situation is more lust driven than love driven, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with for you. There is really very little you can do than be open to the feelings that come up for you and work through them with these people, one at a time.

Sage
This part of ur message left me thinking - what might be the basis on which u might have suemised thus, since i know that it is not lust driven,atleast in my husband's or cousin's case and I know too mych about them to think otjerwise. then i realised that my intro and the abruptness with which i brought in my hubby/s suggestion was wrong and it needed more background information, which I am planning to write sometime.

Last edited by urmila; 01-09-2012 at 10:25 AM. Reason: ryping error
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Old 01-09-2012, 12:44 PM
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Urmila

Yes, my lust over love comment came about because from your post the relationship between your husband and cousin seemed to have developed so quickly. It sounded very much like NRE rather than the kind of love that you have for someone you have built a life with and that you know warts and all.

I hope things are going better for you.

Hugs

Sage
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Old 03-04-2012, 08:01 AM
urmila urmila is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sage View Post
Urmila

Yes, my lust over love comment came about because from your post the relationship between your husband and cousin seemed to have developed so quickly. It sounded very much like NRE rather than the kind of love that you have for someone you have built a life with and that you know warts and all.

I hope things are going better for you.

Hugs

Sage
Thanks dear Sage
In my msg I was not very specific of even the time line. We had many social interaction with the other couple ever since their marriage, which was about 10 years back. we used to visit each other also. The second thing is. I had just mentioned that they moved in recently- which was actually in May2011 and only in November all this talk of polyamory came up. Hence we can confidently claim that we know each other fairly well.
Things r going good for us, I am glad to say that the four of us are now having a non sexual polyamorous relationship. and we r working on going further.
I am tracing my progress in the thread - relationship in quad
Hugs urmila

Last edited by urmila; 03-04-2012 at 08:04 AM.
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