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  #11  
Old 03-03-2012, 03:54 PM
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Jealousy is a symtom that something needs to be examined. Sometimes it means that you need to look within and do some work and sometimes it means that there is something about the situation that needs to be discussed. It's a natural human emotion and a useful one. As time goes by I find that I feel jealous less often because there's a lot of things I have already worked through and talked through.
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  #12  
Old 03-04-2012, 02:14 AM
IsobelR IsobelR is offline
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It depends entirely on the person and the relationships, I think. I don't really get jealous, or even envious much, in my current relationships. Some of that is to do with my personal mental make-up, and some of it is due to the fact that as I was entering an existing relationship I was fully aware that time, attention etc would be at a premium and would take some negotiating. I came into the relationship having heard about my boyfriend's wife on a regular basis, so was fairly prepared for having her in my life and having to share him.

It also helps that we're all very aware of someone being left out, so we go to great lengths to remove causes for jealousy before the feelings arise.
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  #13  
Old 03-04-2012, 07:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IsobelR View Post
I don't really get jealous, or even envious much, in my current relationships. Some of that is to do with my personal mental make-up...
I don't tend to get jealous much in committed relationships because, for me, jealousy is usually connected to trust. And I never really get involved with people I don't trust. When someone starts doing things that make me wonder if I can trust them, then I start becoming susceptible to thoughts that lead to jealousy. If I'm feeling left out, that usually leads to envy for me. I also usually know that I need to make efforts to deconstruct those uncomfortable feelings and see what's underneath them for me to feel any relief.
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  #14  
Old 03-04-2012, 07:04 PM
strixish strixish is offline
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I am *always* feeling jealousy.

And since I learned to accept this about myself, I can deal with it much more easily. Sometimes it's just an annoyance I can swat away. Sometimes I need to give it more attention. Usually, just telling people that I'm feeling jealous is all I need. Give it a voice, acknowledge it, and it steps aside to let me on my way.

This is a MUCH better technique than my old way, of trying to stuff it down and silence it, which leads to it eating me up from the inside out.
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  #15  
Old 03-04-2012, 10:44 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Something else I feel should be acknowledged is that jealousy is an integral part of monogamous relationships as well, and probably more so.

Why were you looking at her? Who are you going out with?
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  #16  
Old 03-05-2012, 05:02 AM
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Originally Posted by feelyunicorn View Post
Something else I feel should be acknowledged is that jealousy is an integral part of monogamous relationships as well, and probably more so.
Well, I wouldn't go as far as saying jealousy is integral to either mono or poly relationships, but can happen in either. Jealousy is not a given in all cases, and it's certainly not necessary (integral) for a relationship to function. I've never tended to be a jealous person in any of my monogamous relationships. I think jealousy is a very individual trait, and comes out according to one's personality rather than the structure of one's relationship.
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  #17  
Old 03-05-2012, 04:40 PM
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My wife and I never experienced jealousy since we've figured out we are and should be polly. I have some insecurity issues with her and guys, although that's been swept under the rug from what our experiences tell us.

She's never really had jealousy, it just doesn't exist for her, which is really weird for others looking in.

I know a woman who really loves to explore poly relationships, but for the longest time was really jealous of her lover and his exploits.

I think the jealousy thing is natural and common, but it comes down to what will you do with it when you feel it? Her enjoyment is more important than the nervousness a male makes me feel. With that in mind, I remember that, I can breathe easy, it's not important.
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  #18  
Old 03-06-2012, 12:27 AM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Default Overcoming jealousy

When I was younger I used to constantly get jealous and always need to know what my significant others were doing. It drove me nuts so I learned how to deal with it by realizing that I didn't have enough trust in my partner of the time. I dealt with my trust issues and subsequent relationships have been much more stable. My current wife says I get jealous of her attention (not her affection) and I realized that I was clinging to her.

It's a balance, to be sure.
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  #19  
Old 03-15-2012, 04:33 AM
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I am often, insanely, stoopidly jealous. Always have been. I'm much better about recognizing it's a feeling that requires no action whatsoever on my part. I was raised in a crazy little triangle and always felt left out. I suspect that's where I grew it.

Current bf, however, doesn't appear to have a jealous bone in his body. He is one of the most generous people I have ever known. He is so inclusive, in so many ways. I know sometimes he'd rather not be, but it's so much of who he is he can't help himself. However, I noticed that he's taken to saying 'mine' during the throes of sexytime. Which is amusing and sweet, and slightly a turn on.
He says his lack of poly jealousy is because of who First bf is. They were friends before he met me (when I was the exclusive gf of First bf). If either one of them was gay, or slightly inclined toward men, I don't think I'd be involved at all!
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  #20  
Old 03-15-2012, 02:32 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KyleKat View Post
I get jealous of her attention (not her affection)
I understand that one. I don't get jealous of affection either and if I am jealous its because I'm not getting one of my needs met and the guys won't know that until I ask for what I need.

For example:
A couple years back, we had a birthday party for me on my birthday. Only one person in our social group knew about Wendigo and I at the time and we were trying to keep it that way, so I wasn't cuddling up to him the way I do when everyone else isn't around. I found myself jealous of another friend because she'd tiredly sat down next to him and snuggled up to him. I knew that he had a bit of a crush on her and a few months later when we talked about it, I pointed out that I had been jealous because she'd been able to do the one thing I'd wanted to do all night but hadn't because we were trying to keep up appearances, not because it was someone he had a crush on. I had kicked myself because it reminded me of the time that Wendigo had asked me if we were so far on the DL that he couldn't get a hug goodbye at a pool party. He's my best friend, no one is going to question us hugging or cuddling on the couch! I was being silly and have since corrected that.
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