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  #51  
Old 03-02-2012, 04:16 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bassman View Post
lol, thanks for the 2nd smack! (was it with love?)
Of course! That's what the "there, there" smiley is for. After I smack you with a fish, I rub your head and give you a kiss.
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  #52  
Old 03-02-2012, 06:23 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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I've been thinking, bassman, that your wife putting her spirituality seemingly ahead of her love for you and your importance in her life, as well as ahead of family goals, is not all that unusual or even detrimental. As you can see in the "Spiritual Sex" thread, that poster's spirituality is also perhaps more important to him than those of his wife.

As I see it, it's your wife's "sheepleness" that is the problem. Just swallowing whatever is preached to her from the pulpit each Sunday, instead of examining her faith for herself and how it fits into her marriage and family, on a moral and practical level, that hurts you a lot.

And then, you're so focused on her getting a lover... which doesnt seem at all important to her.
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me: Mags, 58, living with:
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my bf: Ginger, 61, married to:
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and dating (NRE): Carla and David, married couple, early 40s
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  #53  
Old 03-02-2012, 06:48 PM
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I agree with Mags. I also recall some good advice you got from SNeacail back in January:
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STOP attacking your wife and her beliefs, it will only make her defend it more. They are what they are, even if you don't agree. However, DO have the discussion how to make the whole relationship more of a partnership. Come up with a list of goals and discuss what it will take to get there. When the both of you can work as partners, and both feel valued as an equal partner, there is less of a desire to fight back.

As far as your finances go, come up with a list of NON-negotiable items like; housing, utilities, groceries, tuition, certain family necessities, savings toward goals, etc.
You each should have a budget for your own personal necessities and extras (shoes, clothes, personal care products, etc.). If she decides she would rather give money to the church instead of going to lunch with her girlfriends or buying the new pair of shoes, that's her choice and it doesn't impact your agreed upon goals. Give her the freedom to follow her heart without sabotaging your partnership.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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  #54  
Old 03-03-2012, 08:51 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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I agree with Mags. I also recall some good advice you got from SNeacail back in January:
Yes, Ive come round to that advice, too.
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  #55  
Old 03-03-2012, 08:54 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Was awake most of the night thinking about this, and we had a chat about it this morning.

I'll put it all on here later.

We both feel good just talking about it, even though we're at opposite end of the spectrum.
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  #56  
Old 03-03-2012, 10:43 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Cool to see a fellow atheist in the forum.
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  #57  
Old 03-04-2012, 11:26 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Originally Posted by bassman View Post
Was awake most of the night thinking about this, and we had a chat about it this morning.

I'll put it all on here later.

We both feel good just talking about it, even though we're at opposite end of the spectrum.
Explained that I have no beef with faith in the existence of whatever. But I take issue with my life being affected by doctrine/religion. She explained that she is at a point where she doesnt condemn a lot of what she used, like for example, I asked her if same sex couples should be allowed to adopt, and she said yes! ( The church website condemns same sex anything, but I am checking that out - *edit* I checked it out, and theyve changed their minds now, gays are ok SUDDENLY). And then she went on to say that those people can choose same sex if they want, "but its not the choice I would make". But then she said that her choices are made with the scripture in mind.

I was happy to leave it there for now, at least there is progress, and I have something to work with.


Then, before we went out last night to a party, she pulls out this wig, that she says she "earned" on a trip to New Orleans, back in 98. She said she was walking down the street, and commented on somebody's wig. They offered it to her if she flashed her boobs, without the bra, and she says she did !!

I was excited now, you know, there was a glimpse of the fun girl she used to be!

and THAT is the girl I thought I married - yes, she went to church those days, but it was mild, you know, she didnt see the literature as seriously as she does now. So we were out at this party, and we had a good time, but at one point it struck me that who she was then, is not the same as who she is now..... my default thought is to blame the church of course, but , of course its her thats changed, its her thats made the choices, including sending the money, its her that chooses to keep going there to get the message more ingrained.

Unfortunately, this spilled over into anger within me, (I guess its a jealous kind of feeling, that her book is more important than my thinking, or even the welfare of my son - this hurts me more, of course. Indeed, she still wants to send money, but is not, at my request, so I feel i'm holding her back now, actually).

So I had an outburst that attacked her personally last night - and I need to apologise now. I just cant get my feelings of insecurity out without this anger, which why I want therapy - to help me overcome that.


Footnote: This story seems one-sided, so in her favour, I want to let you know that I also made a financial f*ck up, namely, invested in a business that failed, and I had an expensive car, too, when I , of course, shouldnt have.
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Last edited by bassman; 03-04-2012 at 11:35 AM. Reason: update
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  #58  
Old 03-19-2012, 05:38 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Things have been going well between us. I see signs of progress everywhere. A year ago, we had a discussion about sex before marriage, and the judgemental comments flowed from her
"Those people shouldnt be doing that"
"thats wrong"
"Those people are damaging themselves"
"those people are selfish"

It was quite refreshing to hear her say this week, that " If sex-workers want to be sex-wokers, then thats fine. But if poeple are being forced to do that, like locked into a room and hardly see the light of day, then that is wrong"

So, she's actually, to her credit, come along quite a bit. When I raised the topic of non-monogamy a year ago, she applied all the above judgemental comment to it, and also added "those people are infidels"

However, lately, her view seems to be that "If those people are choosing to do that, thats fine for them. It wouldnt be my choice, though"

So I see it as progress, at least the judgemental "everyone should live by my rules" stance has been replaced with a more liberal view.

I ve heard a lot of things from her lately that have given me encouragement. I see progress.
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  #59  
Old 03-19-2012, 12:21 PM
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karatekid7412589 karatekid7412589 is offline
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Default Religion ... :(

Lighthouses are more helpful then churches. Benjamin Franklin

Disassociate yourself with churches please!! and if you believe then do your own research and pray if you want to within your own home and family.

THE (non-existant) Almighty GOD doesn't need money to run his imaginary heaven or divine plan
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I am a 19 yr old straight man hoping to overcome all of my stress associated with being poly. Thanks parents, society, and non-believers

Katie (whitelettersky): Married 26 yr old and I'm her better third since July 2011

Also looking for a female to turn the "V-relationship" into an "N" or "M" so there is less stress on the tips of the "V"
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  #60  
Old 07-25-2012, 09:50 AM
Pheline Pheline is offline
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Edit...

Last edited by Pheline; 07-25-2012 at 07:00 PM.
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