Polys not jealous?

[Letitbe]

Are people who are naturally poly naturally not jealous, or do they have to work at it? Why would you want to be poly if you experience jealousy? Is it possible to go from jealous to not jealous? Are the people who experience jealousy just trying poly because perhaps a partner came out as poly so they decided to try poly? I guess it just doesn't make sense for a person who is jealous to want to be poly. Forgive me if any of this sounded ignorant. I'm just new to poly and want to better understand.

[Hannahfluke]

Originally Posted by Letitbe

Are people who are naturally poly naturally not jealous, or do they have to work at it? Why would you want to be poly if you experience jealousy? Is it possible to go from jealous to not jealous? Are the people who experience jealousy just trying poly because perhaps a partner came out as poly so they decided to try poly? I guess it just doesn't make sense for a person who is jealous to want to be poly. Forgive me if any of this sounded ignorant. I'm just new to poly and want to better understand.

I think feeling jealousy is normal. I also think that if you expect to not feel jealousy because you are poly, you're just setting yourself up to feel bad when you do feel jealousy. I think the important part is what you do when you feel jealous. Do you let it rule your decisions or do you examine why you're feeling jealous and work on those feelings?

[nycindie]

People are people. Some folks tend to get really jealous; some not so much. As I see it, there isn't necessarily a corollary between jealousy and whatever relationship structure one chooses. Many monogamous people don't get jealous and many poly people do get jealous. And every color in between.

Certainly, if you're the type that doesn't get too jealous, it will make any kind of relationship easier to handle. If you are the type that tends to get jealous, it means it takes a lot more work in trying to understand it, deal with, and not give in to it, in order to diffuse the ticking time bomb and keep jealousy from turning a relationship into a disaster. Jealousy is often a sign of other underlying feelings that are difficult to handle.

Don't believe the people who say that you "shouldn't" feel jealousy at all, ever, if you're poly. We're all human beings and susceptible to a wide range of emotions.

[AnnabelMore]

To me being "naturally poly" means that you naturally can and do fall in love with multiple people without that meaning that the existing love or loves in your life diminish. Obviously if you want to translate that into the practice of having multiple loving relationships you can usually expect that your partners will have other partners too and that's where it helps to also naturally not be very jealous. However, even if you are a naturally jealous person it seems like for many folks it's possible to learn to manage it. Hopefully in time that will lead to you actually feeling less jealousy.

If you feel you are naturally poly but find that despite your best efforts you cannot manage or lessen your jealousy to a level you can handle then you should probably either practice monogamy or find a partner who's happy to remain monogamous while letting you be polyamorous (though that would kind of be a weird thing to set out with as a goal, as your monogamous partner could always change their mind in time and decide they want to practice poly too).

[redpepper]

I have been insanely jealous at times in my 15 years of poly. I love my jealousy and am so glad I have it. To me it shows that someone means something so much to me that I need to look at what is going on closely so I can see why I feel the way I do. If I was not jealous then I would question how much they mean to me. I would question how much I mean to them if they were not jealous sometimes too. If there is no struggle then I would question why we are together.

When I am jealous its usually because there is some kind of change or adjustment to our dynamic because someone new is in our lives. I struggle with my partners trying to make space and time with others as it usually means its taken from me. I struggle with their gleeful NRE when we used to have that at some point. Only natural I think. I get threatened that their partner is a new shiny thing in my partners life and I am just that ol' faithful boring thing in their life. I get scared that really our relationship is over and I am not ready or feeling that way.

Usually its all worked through with lots of talks, reassurances in the form of attention given to me in the ways I need it and over time and adjustment to change. Its all natural and human. I can eventually let go of my jealousy and relax into a new routine, get to know and appreciate my metamour and realize that my worth and belonging is still in tacked in my polycule.

[JaneQSmythe]

The first time I ever recall feeling (sexual/relationship) jealousy in my life was when MrS went home to go to a concert with his exGF/current FWB (code name SweetPea in my personal saga) shortly after we had had our "are we in a relationship" discussion (my first ever).

My stated stance: “Of COURSE you are going to have sex with her. You love her. You share all this history. Blah, blah, blah...” He says “you are going to be upset”. I protest. Short story long: he goes home, he sleeps with her, he comes back...I am upset. Not with him, but with myself for having these jealous feelings (I don't 'believe' in this "jealousy" crap...a fundamental view I have of myself at this time)).

We talk, I tell him that I am not mad at him but myself for not responding in the rational fashion I expect, he says “I told you so” - which drives me insane! So, a few weeks later SweetPea swings through for a visit – it's great! her+me, him+her+ me – so I figure out that I am not so much jealous because she and him had fun, but that she and him had fun while I was back at the apartment missing him.

I felt that I had come to a better place in understanding my own reaction and would have be fine with him being with her again without me there. Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to test my hypothesis, he never played with her again unless I was also there. “No, I learned my lesson.” Dammit!

So? Lesson? (for me at least) was that the jealously was situational...that the immediate object of jealousy ("You had sex with x-girl") was not necessarily the REAL underlying trigger...(finding the trigger, however, might be a sticking point...)

[PS. Don't...know...that...any...more...ellipses...are. ..possible...in...this...post!)

[Songbird]

Redpepper, your post is so timely for me!

I'm involved with two guys (I guess I'm called a 'free agent'). The newer relationship is lovely and also fragile in several ways. He's spending this weekend with another woman and I am gripped with anxiety that I wasn't expecting, so this evening I've been mulling it. And yes, the anxiety shows me what he means to me -- as well as the several sources of the fragility. Hopefully, that will all help me get to a clear communication with him about what I'm seeing and feeling.

[Arrowbound]

There's no such thing as being immune to jealousy, poly or not. My husband has said before that he doesn't picture himself ever getting jealous once I branch out, but I still take it with a grain of salt because I'm well aware that you can't always dictate how you're going to feel until you're going through the experience.

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by Letitbe

Are people who are naturally poly naturally not jealous, or do they have to work at it? Why would you want to be poly if you experience jealousy? Is it possible to go from jealous to not jealous? Are the people who experience jealousy just trying poly because perhaps a partner came out as poly so they decided to try poly? I guess it just doesn't make sense for a person who is jealous to want to be poly. Forgive me if any of this sounded ignorant. I'm just new to poly and want to better understand.

Well I don't know that I'm "naturally poly" My ex and I chose to be actively poly about 8 years ago, and after a divorce there was a long stretch of monogamy with my current husband until about a year ago. He's been poly for 20+ years but still has feelings of jealousy now and again, though I do my best not to do anything that would trigger them. I certainly have them at times, and I haven't even had any partners fall in love with a new partner in this entire time, and I KNOW I'll feel all sorts of pangs when that happens.

I get out of it the ability to meet and date new people, enjoy more varied sexuality than I would in a 13 year relationship that overlapped with a (to date) 7+ year relationship. I have the joy of knowing that I am loved, EXTRA loved. I also enjoy self growth and the opportunity to conquer my shit, which includes facing jealousy issues stemming from self esteem issues that are MAGNIFIED by poly sometimes, so encourages me to fix it NOW and not let it simmer beneath the surface. Lots of other benefits to it but those are the ones that immediately come to mind.

[feelyunicorn]

I find polyamorists online (I`ve never met an example of the species IRL) are exceptionally educated about a couple things:

a) the ability to feel feelings (including jealousy);

b) the ability to know the difference between feeling something and acting;

c) the ability to take responsibility for their own feelings;

d) the ability to communicate their feelings;

e) the ability to create boundaries;

IMO, if you have experience in the above, jealousy is not a problem. It may rather be a blessing.