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  #31  
Old 02-24-2012, 10:19 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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I second everything that's been said so far. I'm so sorry his head is that far up his ass and that you're having to deal with this PLUS a newborn.

I'd vote a resounding YES on therapy. Your ob/gyn should be able to refer you. You don't even have to talk about poly at first. Bottom line is your husband is spending time with someone else against your wishes and abandoning you and the baby. Whether he wants to call it poly or not, and whether he's sleeping with her or not, it's CHEATING. He's CHEATING on the NEW MOTHER OF HIS CHILD. That is beyond immature. It's despicable.

*hugs* I don't know if you've said where you live, but I hope you have access to the resources you need. I'm glad your mom is able to be there to help.
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  #32  
Old 02-25-2012, 01:11 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
We still love each other and hate the situation, but it is what it is.
Don't you think if he loved you, he'd realize you need him to be there now more than ever.

You should definitely seek counseling soon because you are going to have to reconcile just how much energy you're going to have to put into dealing with him for the rest of your life. Having a kid with someone who has one foot out of the door of your relationship will do that.
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  #33  
Old 02-25-2012, 01:31 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Baby Blues vs. PP Depression

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
postpartum, not sure if I have it...
The "baby blues" are the hormonal changes that happen during the 1st 2-3 weeks after the baby is born as the body transitions from the pregnant to the non-pregnant state. Post-Partum Depression has the same symptoms as Major Depressive Disorder but occurs anytime in the 1st year after the baby is born. People with a history of clinical depression are at increased risk for PP depression. "Baby Blues" will resolve as the hormone levels return to normal, however, if these feelings have persisted since before the baby was born you may want to talk to someone.

In my clinic we use the "Edinburgh Postpartum Depression Scale" (EPDS) to identify women at increased risk for PP Depression (a Google search should find the questionnaire) and then the PHQ-9 (Patient Health Questionnaire) to help make a diagnosis.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Red0824 View Post
Should I see a therapist? I feel like I should. It may help me organize my thoughts better.
Whether or not you have PP depression, talking to a therapist is never a bad idea if you have shit going on in your life! - and boy, do you have stuff going on. (I tell my clients - "There is nobody's life that is SOOOO perfect that there is NOTHING in their life that couldn't benefit from talking over with an objective observer." - Not that everyone NEEDS therapy...but we ALL have shit going down in our lives - even if seems petty... and your situation does not seem petty to me at all.)
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MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
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TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


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Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 02-25-2012 at 01:32 AM. Reason: redundant quoting
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  #34  
Old 02-25-2012, 10:14 AM
Red0824 Red0824 is offline
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I talked and talk to hubby about what I post on here and what feedback I get from all of you. When I had mentioned what you all said, putting poly on hold for the baby and us for right now. His main question was and still is, how is he supposed to do that while he is deep in NRE with his gf? He says, how do I even start that conversation with her? So I tell him, you just do it, if she was understanding and a nice person, not selfish in the slightest that she would gracefully bow out and understand for the time being. I don't think he wants to end it, or put it on hold. We are not happy, he said just now, he would wait around to see what kind of a person I would become if I start working on myself. See, we got married young, 18 and 19. I fell hard and lost myself in him. Now that he has changed and moved on, I have to pick up the pieces and put myself back together. It doesn't help that he is constantly reminding me that this could work in the future if I just changed into a dynamic, less of a shell of a person. I don't know how to take that. He will still be living with me in a seperated bedroom with gf coming over, he doesn't see how that makes me uncomfortable. If he really loved me, wouldnt he dump her and wait on me? Or is that a selfish thing to ask, because I already did. I'm still in the denial phase, I want this to work for what it is when we are good. But if he isn't willing to see what he did wrong these two weeks and 9 months. I don't think he is worth trying to win back. And coming to that realization is what hurts the most. He says I'm afraid to be alone with myself, easy for him to say, he has someone to go to throughout this whole ordeal. If he is feeling any pain, shouldn't he be focusing on it instead of his gf? Or do I have this all wrong? He hates that I bring up the fact that during these two weeks I was sick with a bad cold, fever and chills and taking care of a newborn, that night he went on his date with gf anyway, said if I needed him to call an he would be on his way. Well i did, and he asked if my mom was taking care of me. I said yes and he stayed out, spent the night at her place. He asked me why do I harp on that one mistake? I bring it up because I want to get a sorry reaction, I want to see that he really cares still. But from him getting so angry and still continuing to see her shows that he's not worth it anymore, even if he is the father of my child and even when we are happy that it's amazing. I told him I feel neglected, I have felt neglected, he says i should've expressed those feelings a long time ago. Am I hanging on too tightly? Should he be staying with me for another year to wait to see if I would change? I think I'm so desperate now more than ever to get back the love we once had that I'm letting what is in front of me cloud my mind. I'm too scared to let him go because I devoted myself to him so fully.
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  #35  
Old 02-25-2012, 07:43 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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...
If he really loves you....sigh.
If you don't want the gf around I think that is within your right to have that. However, there are tons of ways he can accommodate his NRE - however ...I don't know why you'd want to stay with somebody who doesn't know how you manage NRE.
Maybe you become friends with the girlfriend and she will start watching the kid for a few hours once a week so you can have a date with your husband (I mean months from now). Your husband arranges with your mother to watch the kid for a few hours so he can take you on a date.
Your husband makes a schedule with you and the girlfriend so he can go have some time with her but you know when he is going to be home, and he is home doing what he is supposed to for his child. He is supposed to be negotiating time, energy, balancing his responsibilities.

Did he actually read any books or forums or ANYTHING about poly yet? If his idea of poly is he just goes "omg im in luv!!!" and then he gets to abandon everything because he needs to bask in the glow of new amazing shiny thing... Books and websites (in the sticky thread on this forum) talk about this shit, including how to manage NRE. If he doesn't figure out managing it is necessary, you wouldn't want to stay with him anyway, as he will just act like a major ass anytime he gets a new interest.

The question isn't should he wait for a year to see if you will change. Maybe you do have changing to do, and you should be doing that, but if he thinks his behavior is acceptable, then he is years away from realizing he has some growing up to do himself.

Sorry, this might not be useful advice, I am livid at what you are saying about him and feel like ranting and hitting him in the head with a frying pan myself, so I am not sure how you are not putting yourself first and taking blame for anything at the moment.
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  #36  
Old 02-25-2012, 07:55 PM
CherryBlossomGirl CherryBlossomGirl is offline
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Default Hand me that frying pan.

I like your style anne - hand me that frying pan when you're done bonking him over the head with it.
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  #37  
Old 02-26-2012, 02:12 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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You have a right to say who can and cannot be in your home. You don't know this chick well enough to have her staying with you and your baby. He is not willing to man up and just wants his fun. This is crazy. Like I said earlier, I'd call a locksmith, throw his shit in suitcases, and toss them outside.
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  #38  
Old 02-27-2012, 11:55 PM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Or, as much as this might suck, head home to hang out with Mom and leave his sorry, selfish ass there. Just. Get. Away.

I was engaged once and we owned a townhouse together. After he (wisely) decided we shouldn't get married, I moved into a spare bedroom. Even in that less-complicated situation, we had the decency not to bring anyone home or do anything around the other that would be disrespectful, hurtful or just plain rude.

I think the best change you can make in yourself is to realize you don't need this bozo in your life anymore. I wish you strength, inner peace and happiness that you've found in yourself and your child, not in bending to that idiot's whims.
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  #39  
Old 02-28-2012, 12:48 AM
Jericka Jericka is offline
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For what it is worth, I have a Secondary's perspective on the situation....

Is the girlfriend paying any attention to how this guy is treating his wife? Because, really, if I saw a guy that I was dating neglecting his wife and newborn? I'd be gone so fast!

NRE or not, I'm perfectly capable of seeing that how he's treating his wife is how I would be treated once the NRE wears off. I wouldn't touch a guy who was neglecting his responsibilities at home with a ten foot pole. EWWWWW!
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  #40  
Old 03-01-2012, 07:30 PM
Red0824 Red0824 is offline
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I agree with you jericka, I feel like the gf should be seeing how ridiculous he is being. I talked to he yesterday, I probably shouldn't have but I wanted to get her take on this. All she said was she still wanted to be friends with me and support both of us during this thought time. It's so hard for me to trust her, mainly because of the maturity level she is displaying as well, grante she is only 20, but she should be telling him to he his ass home to his baby and wife and try and fix the situation. But they seem to be made for each other at this point. I do feel like wacking him over the he's with a frying pan as well lol. So I've moved in with my parents temporarily, they have been a huge help with the baby, and having her away from my husband has made him miss her more and more. And I have to be honest, that was my intention . He and I are getting together Monday for drinks to iron out all the details. And Im leaving the baby with parent and going out tonght, finally! I'm ready to be done with feeling sorry for myself, and feel sexy and strong . He and I won't talk unless it's about baby till Monday so it'll give us and me a chance to decide what we really want out of this. And I think itll be good to not talk for a little bit. Maybe this will bring some sense into him, I have half a mind to talk to his parents and see what they think about this, his sister is coming up in a week to meet her neice. Hubby doesn't think she should know, I feel like she does, but I understand his reasoning behind it, so she wouldn't feel awkward. ( she and I are very close) but I think he is afraid she will be upset with him a take my side. He also wanted her to meet the gf. Haha. Any suggestions a to if she should be told? No one in his family knows except his dad.
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