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  #11  
Old 02-27-2012, 07:30 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Thank you too nycindie. Your words resonate with me.

I was thinking it might be a while before things settle down and have written in my diary in large letters the words: No big decisions until June!!
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  #12  
Old 02-27-2012, 09:14 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I think I get how you're thinking now. My past experience in theses matters has been to be more analytical ....ignoring the little voice or ignoring the gut. Sensing the problem but trusting the person was telling me the truth ....I must be paranoid or I must have some issue generating these thoughts and feeling. Trying to do the opposite of what you're doing.

I've now found that the " invisible force...voices..feelings something bad is about to happen,... intuition " or whatever you want to call them are a better and more accurate guide then the words and process spinning in my analytical brain. The goal is to get the two in alignment. And for me trusting the little voice has yet to fail me.


I get how you are connecting your past experience and the how you lost yourself with in that however, wouldn't that be possible in any close romantic relationship? You wouldn't have to be married for that to occur.

Have you thought about those feeling of " being out side the circle" and how it effects the candidates you choose to date? How does that specific piece looks under a microscope. Do you see any patterns in the men you choose or are attracted to. Have they been loners?? or socially shy prone to co dependency ...or are they extroverts with large social circles or families waiting to take you in?
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  #13  
Old 02-28-2012, 07:52 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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How interesting, D. Our little voices are very different. I'm what my mum calls 'a worrier' which means that my little voice is mostly engaged with suggesting that 'things are going to go terribly wrong.'

I spend lots of time using my analytical side to talk the little voice out of whatever catastrophe it sees ahead. I work as a computer programmer and thankfully the longer I do so, the stronger my analytical side seems to get.

I too am working to get them in alignment - but from the opposite side from you, it would seem.

I see no real patterns in the men I have been out with or been attracted to. Having said that, my ex and I were both 20 when we got together. Prior to that, I'd had a series of short term relationships with a bunch of blokes - none of them serious and no patterns with the blokes.

Plus I am very independent and was always travelling around. Tending to take off for 3 months of the year and spending many weekends away from home during the rest of the time kind of meant that getting into a really close relationship with anybody was unlikely.

And - when I split with my ex, I didn't date anybody at all for about 7 years. After a scary year or so where I wondered if how I would cope on my own, I realised I could cope just fine. I found being alone wonderful - so lovely to be free to take up new interests, travel around and not worry about how those things impacted on a partner. I found it very freeing.

I was quite lucky - I have several friends who never date (for a variety of reasons) and so it just didn't seem that unusual to me at the time.

My ex is quite socially shy - just a few friends and even those, he doesn't see very often. My SO is the opposite - he has lots of very valued friends, lots of interests and lots going on in his life.

Hmmmm - not sure what to make of all of this now I've written it all down.
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  #14  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by InfinitePossibility View Post
How interesting, D. Our little voices are very different. I'm what my mum calls 'a worrier' which means that my little voice is mostly engaged with suggesting that 'things are going to go terribly wrong.'
We all have our little thought patterns that were taught to us or we adopted when we were dealing with a crisis, or still forming our strategies for life at an early age. We observe those around us and how they cope and that has a huge impact on the tone of the voices we listen to, or that come through louder than others.

My little (and sometimes very loud) voice is always some variation of "It's all my fault." That voice has me always looking for how I fucked everything up. I have a friend whose voice always tells her "I'm so tired. I can't handle this," and it has her always feeling exhausted or under the gun and easily defeated.

Funny how these voices never say things like, "Life is wonderful and I'm so happy to be me!"
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-29-2012 at 06:29 AM.
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  #15  
Old 02-29-2012, 04:12 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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So you've been a worrier your entire life? I could see how that would be a problem ....even if you listen to one little voice another little voice is putting doubt that the first one was wrong.

Taking off 3 months at a crack could stress things. So much for having pets or plants for that matter.

It sounds to me to be less about a specific structure but about 2 young people who found comfort in each other from the outside world.
And then you grew out of that and changed. The new differences brought on by that change, your age at the time, personalities, unhealthy behaviors , etc, etc, caused the marriage to go under.

Was it a bad break up? Who started that process you or him or jointly?

7 yrs seems like a loooong time to get back on the horse. Did you get any professional help during that time? If not, do you think there was a need for that?
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  #16  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:18 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
We all have our little thought patterns that were taught to us or we adopted when we were dealing with a crisis, or still forming our strategies for life at an early age. We observe those around us and how they cope and that has a huge impact on the tone of the voices we listen to, or that come through louder than others.
It's amazing (and annoying) isn't it? My sis and I had a long talk one day when we realised that we both have a 'there isn't time' voice that comes out when we're stressed.

We learnt it from our mum who starts lots conversations by saying how busy she is and how there isn't time to do everything. We reckon it was a constant theme throughout our childhood and that we both internalised it. We make effort so shut that voice up but for both of us it comes back strongly when we're stressed.

IP
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  #17  
Old 02-29-2012, 06:39 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Taking off 3 months at a crack could stress things. So much for having pets or plants for that matter.
Back in those days I was a student. No pets, no plants, no responsibilities and 3 month long summer holidays. I always got a summer job that meant living away from home.

Was such a big part of my life that even now I still get the urge to take off every year when the spring comes - it's been 14 years since I started working in my proper, grown up, all year round job.


Quote:
Was it a bad break up? Who started that process you or him or jointly?
As break ups go, it was good. Very amicable - we both knew things had to end. We're still on good terms although contact is very sporadic.


Quote:
7 yrs seems like a loooong time to get back on the horse. Did you get any professional help during that time? If not, do you think there was a need for that?
No professional help and no need I could see. I was in no rush to start a new relationship. Too busy exploring new interests and making new friends. I did a couple of fairly full on courses. I met and befriended some amazing people. I found it fulfilling and quite luxurious to be able to do all of that stuff without the stress of worrying about whether or not I was also meeting the needs of a partner.

I discovered that the 10 years I was with my ex had put a stop to my enjoyment of casual sex. Luckily I also discovered that my needs to touch and be touched by other people (and animals) can be fulfilled in non-sexual ways. And that I am more than capable of having a great sex life all by myself. This was a rather excellent discovery and did help I think.

Really very positive period in my life. One I only stopped because I think my SO is one of the most amazing people I've ever known and I feel very fortunate to have him in my life again.

It has been my experience repeatedly that people are very uncomfortable about the notion that anybody can be fulfilled in their life with close and not so close platonic friendships and exploring new interests. And the discomfort increases significantly if the single person is a woman in her child bearing years.

I have been asked before if I would consider counselling for my problem with relationships, had people suggest that my happiness with my life was a lie to cover up for the fact that I didn't have a man etc etc etc.

I think it's lovely that people are so concerned about my wellbeing and used to explain repeatedly about how I was absolutely fine and that if that ever changed, I'd let them know and they could help me find a man.

People are sweet generally and concerned that their loved ones be safe. Many people just feel that a radically different lifestyle from the norm is not safe - which is partly the source of my recent anxiety

Anyway - off out to meet a friend. Hugs to you all.

IP
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  #18  
Old 03-01-2012, 11:59 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I wasn't suggesting you had a problem with relationships. I've seen it go a couple of ways....start dating and attach to new person really quickly( rebound) or avoid dating and relationships for a yr and some change. Never seen 7 years.

The counseling question was in deference to the possibility of a bad break up. Or scars caused by that relationship or the break up process that took you out of the game for such a long time.

Do you live close to your family and have lots of contact?

Did you make anything out of what you wrote In post #13.......your last sentence.

Last edited by dingedheart; 03-01-2012 at 12:02 PM.
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  #19  
Old 03-01-2012, 12:30 PM
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I wasn't suggesting you had a problem with relationships. I've seen it go a couple of ways....start dating and attach to new person really quickly( rebound) or avoid dating and relationships for a yr and some change. Never seen 7 years.
I think it's quite common for very independent women, at least in urban settings. I have numerous female friends who don't date for several years at a time, and they're not looking. They're all fabulous intelligent women, attractive, successful, well-adjusted people who have lots of activities and friends but only get into romantic relationships after long periods of no relationships, and when those end, they take years off again. Some of them date a little here and there for companionship but don't have long-term commitments for years at a time.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
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  #20  
Old 03-01-2012, 01:15 PM
InfinitePossibility InfinitePossibility is offline
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Do you live close to your family and have lots of contact?
I live about 30 miles away from most of them. I speak to my mum on the phone most days and see her every couple of weeks. My sis has 4 small children (the youngest was born on Fri) so is busy just now but normally we see each other every couple of weeks.

We get on and try to make time for each other.

Quote:
Did you make anything out of what you wrote In post #13.......your last sentence.
Nothing coherent yet! Still filtering in my mind.
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