How and when did you know?

[onoma]

I think I'm still working this out for myself. I posted last fall, wondering about how to convince my girlfriend or if I even should. I didn't know then. I'm mostly sure now.

I seem to be using shorter sentences than usual tonight, for some reason.

Aside from reading the first chapter or two of Polyamory in the 21st Century I was mostly confused. I had always wanted to be with one woman. One of my friends had an open relationship. I found that out when she brought me home one night, and offered to sleep with me. Maybe not in that order. She actually chickened out the moment she saw her marital bed, but I wasn't comfortable with the idea anyway. A couple months later I was on a date with a mutual friend, and she asked me if I'd ever consider it. I told her I didn't know, but I really thought never.

But I think a lot of that boiled down to not having much self-respect. I figured it would be unfair, that the woman would just get all the action while I stayed home. Now... I feel like I'd get plenty, maybe more than I'd even really want. Wanting that one monogamous relationship... well, I just thought that's how you could get sex. Nothing else seemed realistic to me.

But I was facing the issue with my girlfriend, who I love. When she asked me once, I told her that yes I do think you can love multiple people.

I kept trying to talk myself out of it, so I wouldn't have to lose my girlfriend. I knew she was upset that I was even thinking about other women. No one specific, mind you. Just, in general terms I wanted to experience more women. Watching Mad Men, in particular, made me really love the idea of having a wife I'd build my life with and a girlfriend to act as contrast. A secondary, I guess, who could show me other parts of life.

But knowing she was upset by such thoughts, I examined my own feelings and realized that in thinking of her with other men... I just didn't feel jealous. Moreover, I looked back and I think I always thought it was silly that, if you love someone, you would suddenly stop because they had a few moments of lust with someone else.

So I guess that's my "story." But I was wondering if other people felt the same, or how they came to their conclusion. I still don't know if I've fully accepted it myself... but I do know that if this relationship doesn't work out I'm not going straight into another monogamous relationship.

Wow, I'm really rambly tonight...

[nycindie]

Not entirely understanding your questions. What conclusion?

[ThatGirlInGray]

I did things backwards. I didn't know the term "polyamory" until after I was polyamorous. I'd always had a semi-open relationship with my husband since we first started dating, usually FWB's, and I had some very close friendships, but I never really thought about the logistics regarding being in love with more than one person at a time until it happened. So, I guess I "knew" a couple of years ago, but at the same time I still don't "know" if I consider myself poly in the sense that I don't know if I would look for this relationship structure if I didn't have it. I've never been the kind of person who looks for "The One" or now "The Two" or "The Three" or whatever. Relationships happen, and you have to decide how much work and effort you're willing to put in based on how much you want that person in your life, not how much you want a certain role filled.

[onoma]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Not entirely understanding your questions. What conclusion?

That you're polyamorous.

Sorry, I'm in a weird mood... I normally write a little more clearly. Or at least I like to think so...

[bassman]

Originally Posted by onoma

I posted last fall .

Youve not stated your location, so can I assume youre in the northern hemisphere?

[nycindie]

Oh. I never made any such conclusion about myself. I just reached a point in my life where I choose to have multiple, non-exclusive relationships. I don't ID as poly, I'm just a person. For me, living polyamorously is a practice.

[onoma]

Originally Posted by nycindie

Oh. I never made any such conclusion about myself. I just reached a point in my life where I choose to have multiple, non-exclusive relationships. I don't ID as poly, I'm just a person. For me, living polyamorously is a practice.

Ah, but now you're just talking about semantics. At least for this discussion. I guess for you it could be reworded to "What led you to choosing multiple, non-exclusive relationships?"

I'm just trying to get more perspectives on things...


Bassman

Yes. America, at that, if it helps.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by onoma

Ah, but now you're just talking about semantics. At least for this discussion. I guess for you it could be reworded to "What led you to choosing multiple, non-exclusive relationships?"

It isn't just semantics to me (on this issue).

What led me to living polyamorously was the end of my marriage. I'd always been happily monogamous before that, so I'm not one of those people who felt disgruntled or oppressed by so-called "enforced monogamy." The relationship ending just made me think more about my direction in life, how to connect with people and express my love, and how free I can be to create the kinds of relationships I find satisfying. For me it's more about asking myself what I want in order to be happy and then finding ways to manifest that.

[Magdlyn]

Originally Posted by onoma

Aside from reading the first chapter or two of Polyamory in the 21st Century I was mostly confused. I had always wanted to be with one woman. One of my friends had an open relationship. I found that out when she brought me home one night, and offered to sleep with me.

An open relationship is not necessarily polyamory. It's not just about the sex.

But I think a lot of that boiled down to not having much self-respect. I figured it would be unfair, that the woman would just get all the action while I stayed home. Now... I feel like I'd get plenty, maybe more than I'd even really want. Wanting that one monogamous relationship... well, I just thought that's how you could get sex.

It's not just about the sex.

Watching Mad Men, in particular, made me really love the idea of having a wife I'd build my life with and a girlfriend to act as contrast. A secondary, I guess, who could show me other parts of life.

I don't watch Mad Men, but is there an openly poly couple on that show taking place in the early 60s, or is someone having an affair? That is not poly either.

But knowing she was upset by such thoughts, I examined my own feelings and realized that in thinking of her with other men... I just didn't feel jealous. Moreover, I looked back and I think I always thought it was silly that, if you love someone, you would suddenly stop because they had a few moments of lust with someone else.

Polyamory is about more than having a loving relationship with one primary and a "few minutes of lust" with someone else. It's about sharing your life with 2 or more people... dating, eating together, sharing hobbies, life stories, deep feelings, all your insecurities and challenges, worries about your parents or kids, etc etc. Also both of your lovers need to be on board, and, if not be friends, at least be polite and cordial and supportive with you being in relationship with each other, time sharing, dealing with the new relationship energy you will feel when first in love.

If you want to be basically mono, but just "get a little on the side," there are a whole different set of rules than being polyamorous entails.

[onoma]

Originally Posted by Magdlyn

I don't watch Mad Men, but is there an openly poly couple on that show taking place in the early 60s, or is someone having an affair? That is not poly either.

You should, it's a great show regardless of any of this. I am referring to the protagonist constantly having affairs, however.

Note that I would want that aspect of it, though. I don't want to lie or to hurt my partner, but having a wife and a girlfriend is very appealing. One of the things that appeals to me in Mad Men is that Don does seem to care about most of his partners, at least as much as he's able to. I don't want to just sleep around, but to experience other women.

Maybe it's not exactly the poly ideal, but again we're talking about semantics. Maybe I should reword it to use non-monogamy instead? I don't see the point of being so focused on the exact definition when I'm really just trying to find out how you came to your lifestyle... be it poly, open, or whatever.

I know poly is not just sex, but maybe my question isn't really about poly either. It's just trying to get more perspectives and view things from other angles.

If you want to be basically mono, but just "get a little on the side," there are a whole different set of rules than being polyamorous entails.

Ok, but you didn't answer the question.

Instead of telling me what polyamory is or isn't, can you tell me how you got here?