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  #141  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:07 AM
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I posted last fall .
Youve not stated your location, so can I assume youre in the northern hemisphere?
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  #142  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:09 AM
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Oh. I never made any such conclusion about myself. I just reached a point in my life where I choose to have multiple, non-exclusive relationships. I don't ID as poly, I'm just a person. For me, living polyamorously is a practice.
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  #143  
Old 02-29-2012, 07:36 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Oh. I never made any such conclusion about myself. I just reached a point in my life where I choose to have multiple, non-exclusive relationships. I don't ID as poly, I'm just a person. For me, living polyamorously is a practice.
Ah, but now you're just talking about semantics. At least for this discussion. I guess for you it could be reworded to "What led you to choosing multiple, non-exclusive relationships?"

I'm just trying to get more perspectives on things...


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  #144  
Old 02-29-2012, 08:03 AM
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Ah, but now you're just talking about semantics. At least for this discussion. I guess for you it could be reworded to "What led you to choosing multiple, non-exclusive relationships?"
It isn't just semantics to me (on this issue).

What led me to living polyamorously was the end of my marriage. I'd always been happily monogamous before that, so I'm not one of those people who felt disgruntled or oppressed by so-called "enforced monogamy." The relationship ending just made me think more about my direction in life, how to connect with people and express my love, and how free I can be to create the kinds of relationships I find satisfying. For me it's more about asking myself what I want in order to be happy and then finding ways to manifest that.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-29-2012 at 08:29 AM.
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  #145  
Old 02-29-2012, 11:24 AM
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Aside from reading the first chapter or two of Polyamory in the 21st Century I was mostly confused. I had always wanted to be with one woman. One of my friends had an open relationship. I found that out when she brought me home one night, and offered to sleep with me.
An open relationship is not necessarily polyamory. It's not just about the sex.


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But I think a lot of that boiled down to not having much self-respect. I figured it would be unfair, that the woman would just get all the action while I stayed home. Now... I feel like I'd get plenty, maybe more than I'd even really want. Wanting that one monogamous relationship... well, I just thought that's how you could get sex.
It's not just about the sex.

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Watching Mad Men, in particular, made me really love the idea of having a wife I'd build my life with and a girlfriend to act as contrast. A secondary, I guess, who could show me other parts of life.
I don't watch Mad Men, but is there an openly poly couple on that show taking place in the early 60s, or is someone having an affair? That is not poly either.
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But knowing she was upset by such thoughts, I examined my own feelings and realized that in thinking of her with other men... I just didn't feel jealous. Moreover, I looked back and I think I always thought it was silly that, if you love someone, you would suddenly stop because they had a few moments of lust with someone else.
Polyamory is about more than having a loving relationship with one primary and a "few minutes of lust" with someone else. It's about sharing your life with 2 or more people... dating, eating together, sharing hobbies, life stories, deep feelings, all your insecurities and challenges, worries about your parents or kids, etc etc. Also both of your lovers need to be on board, and, if not be friends, at least be polite and cordial and supportive with you being in relationship with each other, time sharing, dealing with the new relationship energy you will feel when first in love.

If you want to be basically mono, but just "get a little on the side," there are a whole different set of rules than being polyamorous entails.
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  #146  
Old 02-29-2012, 11:37 AM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
I don't watch Mad Men, but is there an openly poly couple on that show taking place in the early 60s, or is someone having an affair? That is not poly either.
You should, it's a great show regardless of any of this. I am referring to the protagonist constantly having affairs, however.

Note that I would want that aspect of it, though. I don't want to lie or to hurt my partner, but having a wife and a girlfriend is very appealing. One of the things that appeals to me in Mad Men is that Don does seem to care about most of his partners, at least as much as he's able to. I don't want to just sleep around, but to experience other women.

Maybe it's not exactly the poly ideal, but again we're talking about semantics. Maybe I should reword it to use non-monogamy instead? I don't see the point of being so focused on the exact definition when I'm really just trying to find out how you came to your lifestyle... be it poly, open, or whatever.

I know poly is not just sex, but maybe my question isn't really about poly either. It's just trying to get more perspectives and view things from other angles.

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If you want to be basically mono, but just "get a little on the side," there are a whole different set of rules than being polyamorous entails.
Ok, but you didn't answer the question.

Instead of telling me what polyamory is or isn't, can you tell me how you got here?
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  #147  
Old 02-29-2012, 11:51 AM
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You know, when people explain distinctions to you, there is a reason for that. You come off as a bit dismissive to respond with "Oh, that's just semantics." How off-putting. It's not just semantics. Sure, there are threads here debating definitions and interpretations of certain words and phrases, which are just tedious exercises in futility - BUT when you ask people how they got came to live a certain way and your words about it seem to clash with the general understanding of it, we're going to point that out.

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term which ranges from cheating to swinging to open relationships to polyamory and whatever's in between. Polyamory is focused on loving romantic relationships, which for some people don't even have to include sex. Some people feel that being poly is part of their identity, while others feel it's a structure for relationships which they choose. We make very personal, meaningful choices when we engage in polyamorous relationships. Not sure, but you seem more interested in the sex. Get clear on what you're asking or no one would have to stress the differences to you. Do you want to know how people got to be polyamorous or open or what?
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-29-2012 at 12:09 PM.
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  #148  
Old 02-29-2012, 12:13 PM
onoma onoma is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
You know, when people explain distinctions to you, there is a reason for that. You come off as a bit dismissive to respond with "Oh, that's just semantics." How off-putting. It's not just semantics.
Really? I've reworded my question twice. Once for you and once for Magdlyn... just to get the answer to the same basic question. I'm not trying to be dismissive, I'm trying to get other perspectives.

It's not always semantics, but in this case it really is. The question isn't "What is polyamory." It's "Why are you here today?" Frankly, repeatedly telling me that poly isn't just about sex or just _having_ to ensure I know you don't identify as poly comes off as a little defensive. Here we are arguing over the definition of poly when I just want to gain insight from your experiences that lead up to where you are now with regards to relationships.


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Non-monogamy is an umbrella term which ranges from cheating to swinging to open relationships to polyamory and whatever's in between. Polyamory is focused on loving romantic relationships, which for some people don't even have to include sex.
Ok, but what does that have to do with my question? Why does "How did you get here" have to depend on a strict definition of the word polyamory? It's clear that you don't even think of poly the same way others here do... so why beat me up over a less-than-perfect usage of the term?


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Not sure, but you seem more interested in the sex. Get clear on what you're asking or no one would have to stress the differences to you.
I could clear that up for you, but it doesn't matter for this question.

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Do you want to know how people got to be polyamorous or open or what?

Yes. That is the question. How did you become polyamorous, or open, or whatever you feel you are right now in life?

You answered, and I liked your answer. It made me think. It made me think that I might not really taking steps towards my own happiness.

I asked how people came into polyamory because this is polyamory.com. So I said polyamory. It could have been non-monogamy, or open relationships, multiple non-exclusive relationships, or any number of other terms for what can be a slightly messy subject.
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  #149  
Old 02-29-2012, 01:21 PM
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Frankly, repeatedly telling me that poly isn't just about sex or just _having_ to ensure I know you don't identify as poly comes off as a little defensive.
Oy, I think Mercury's in retrograde or something.

I don't care whether you know I don't ID as poly or not... you asked us how we reached our "conclusion," and I didn't know what conclusion you were talking about. You said you want to know how we realized we're polyamorous, and I answered that I don't see myself that way, and told you why. Then you say that's just semantics, which felt like a brush-off. I answered because I was already in a dialogue with you, not to "ensure" you know something about me. I'm certainly not the only person here who doesn't ID as poly, and it's not accurate to say that I "don't even think of poly the same way others here do." There are so many ways people are polyamorous but some general ideas (focus on love, not sex) that many would align themselves with.

And I wasn't beating you up - I was just letting you know that shrugging off our answers by saying we're focused on semantics seems dismissive, like what we had to say didn't matter. Not a good approach if you are asking us to say what's real for us. I am participating, want to answer your questions, but I think it is obvious both Mags and I simply needed to get clear on what you were saying and asking. How can anyone tell you "our experiences that [led] up to where [we] are now with regards to relationships" if we're talking about different things?

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Originally Posted by onoma View Post
I asked how people came into polyamory because this is polyamory.com. So I said polyamory. It could have been non-monogamy, or open relationships, multiple non-exclusive relationships, or any number of other terms for what can be a slightly messy subject.
Right. And all of those terms you could have asked about would have garnered different responses - that's why specificity is important.

Considering that you did say you were rambly and "still working this out," you were a tad unclear or gave a different impression about the focus of your inquiry than you perhaps wanted. But now, because some of us asked and pointed certain things out, I think it's definitely more clear what kinds of responses you're looking for. You want to know the paths people have taken to whatever kind of non-monogamy we're into. Cool. Seems you want to know more about the thought processes, decision-making, and any internal wrestling that we've gone through than what place we're in now. I think I get it now.
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  #150  
Old 02-29-2012, 01:36 PM
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You could go to the life stories and blogs section here to see the different ways people became poly, or open, or whatever, and how they practice it now. It's usually a long hard road for many people at first, and you'll see the variety of ways people have handled it in their blogs.

It varies a lot, depending on people's ages, whether they are in a couple or not, whether both partners are poly, or one is mono, whether they are straight, gay, bi or pansexual, whether there are kids in the mix, whether they are Christian, pagan or atheist, whether they are fully open or poly-fideltitous, whether they are seeing their partners regularly or are in long distance relationships, whether there has been cheating at first, or a careful thoughtful progression. Ad infinitum.
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