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  #21  
Old 02-28-2012, 06:18 AM
yami08 yami08 is offline
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Originally Posted by Pretzels View Post
I might be stating the obvious here, but you need to know what things are deal-breakers in your book. If you never meet the other person, if you never meet her friends, if you never meet her family...what can you live with and what will eat away at your soul?

Also, be very clear and firm in what you need to be present in a relationship with her. Tell her you want to meet her other (if you do), or her parents (if you do), etc. The way she responds to that may tell you all you need to know about whether there's a looming expiration date on your relationship.

Be patient but not a pushover. Perhaps there will be a level of settling down from heightened emotions and feelings and sensations into a secure situation. Maybe the SO just needs some time to make sure she isn't off on some flight of fancy with you.

And the worst piece of advice of it all? Know when to say when and, if it has to be said, say it gracefully. I sort of wish I had rather than holding on to the "if things were different." Things only get different if she wants them to.
Thank you Pretzels...you've given me a lot to think about.

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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't think it is necessarily true that a relationship cannot be successful if one is not integrated into all areas of a lover's life. She may view her relationship with the OP as an oasis/refuge/escape from the rest of her life, or is simply the type of person who compartmentalizes different friends and relationships and keeps them manageable that way. Some people don't want everyone they know to all meld together in their lives, they like them separate. Certainly, how satisfying this can be for the OP will depend on how involved he wants to be in the rest of her life.

Yami08, do you clearly know what you want? Has she met your friends and family? Would you be open to having another relationship yourself? You stated earlier that you were dating others when you started seeing her, and went out to "have a blast" with your friends, but since feelings of love came up, you don't do that anymore, have less confidence, as you've have been very focused on her. I think you've made her the center of your world, and you would benefit from dating others again.
I am definitely not 100% sure of what I want. It is something I've been working on for a while now. I know that I love her, and I want to be a part of her life...to what extent, I have yet to determine. I do greatly enjoy her company. We have a great connection aside from the sexual attraction and also a lot of mutual interests.

She has met certain members of my family and friends. I am open to having another relationship and I actually have been dating regularly, but finding someone that I connect with is the difficult part. I compare the others to her, and that makes it difficult for me to create that connection. Something I am currently working on...

You are right about that one...she has definitely been the center of my world for the last little while. Something that I've just come to realize over the last week. I have been thinking of taking a break from her to rebalance myself.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Pretzels View Post
I only mentioned that because I got the sense that's the level of inclusion he might be after in her life, although he doesn't come out and say it upon re-reading everything. I could be way off base on that, though.

I like the second suggestion if only because it's a bit of perspective and it might prevent the OP from worrying this relationship into a very bad, bad place. Also, you might pick a friend you can trust to be understanding but discrete (if that's a concern for you) and use them as a sounding board. When you're caught up in a situation, someone who can help pull the emergency brake on some potentially damaging decisions is a godsend.
I guess I should share some info about myself and my state of mind. I have been dealing with what seems to be commitment issues for the last couple of years. This was clear to me, before we even met. I was working on it... albeit slowly. This is the one of the reasons I've been accepting of this relationship dynamic. It was perfect, I didn't have to commit to one person. I never expected the casualness of our relationship to blossom into this. There are times when I have thought about what it would be like to be her Primary, living with her and so on. It's not that I'm sitting here fantasizing about this..but it has crossed my mind on a few occasions..just like it probably has crossed hers. I admit that I could probably be very happy with this women for the rest of my life in a poly dynamic, but that also doesn't mean I can't be one of her best friends in a platonic relationship. It's a bridge I'll have to cross if/when it comes.

We had just spent an abnormal amount of time together. We went from seeing each other once or twice a week to everyday for a few weeks and I believe this is spurring all these questions I now need answers to.

And thanks again for all the responses.
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  #22  
Old 02-29-2012, 01:27 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Originally Posted by yami08 View Post
I never expected the casualness of our relationship to blossom into this. There are times when I have thought about what it would be like to be her Primary, living with her and so on. It's not that I'm sitting here fantasizing about this..but it has crossed my mind on a few occasions..just like it probably has crossed hers. I admit that I could probably be very happy with this women for the rest of my life in a poly dynamic, but that also doesn't mean I can't be one of her best friends in a platonic relationship. It's a bridge I'll have to cross if/when it comes.

We had just spent an abnormal amount of time together. We went from seeing each other once or twice a week to everyday for a few weeks and I believe this is spurring all these questions I now need answers to.

And thanks again for all the responses.
Some thinking about switching the roles is good. Noodling and stewing is not. What I learned in my first poly experience is that people are together for a lot of different reasons and some of them aren't obvious. Thinking you know a couple's dynamic better than they do is bad, bad thing.

Also space is good and staying friends is good, too.

With her SO situation, the only thing I'd be sure to talk with her about is whether her SO is cool with everything. It is possible for things to rapidly get out of hand for everyone involved if the poly person is having an affair rather than adding a secondary to an existing situation.

Good luck!
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  #23  
Old 02-29-2012, 09:26 PM
yami08 yami08 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pretzels View Post
Some thinking about switching the roles is good. Noodling and stewing is not. What I learned in my first poly experience is that people are together for a lot of different reasons and some of them aren't obvious. Thinking you know a couple's dynamic better than they do is bad, bad thing.

Also space is good and staying friends is good, too.

With her SO situation, the only thing I'd be sure to talk with her about is whether her SO is cool with everything. It is possible for things to rapidly get out of hand for everyone involved if the poly person is having an affair rather than adding a secondary to an existing situation.

Good luck!
Yes most definitely I agree, space is good. I will definitely have the talk with her. In the past, we've usually skirted around all others and our conversations were more based on ourselves and our emotions. It is probably time to incorporate her OSO. From my understanding and from what she tells me, he is "ok" with this arrangement, but doesn't ask too many questions about it. He only knows what she decides to share. I've purposely stayed away from those types of questions because I think the 3 of us are all experiencing this as a first timer and we all need time to adjust.

Thank you again for all the support. It's been so amazingly helpful.
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