Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 02-24-2012, 09:22 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496
Default

You seem supportive of your wife in a really lovely way. My husband is much like you: supportive, loving, happily mono. We have been together for about 8 years. I started a relationship almost a year ago with my girlfriend Mya, who is also a bisexual married woman. You might enjoy reading our blog over here.

My husband has experienced some insecurities and feelings of discomfort. Mostly it has just felt strange to him to be in a poly situation. And he did have to shift his mindset when it became clear that my girlfriend became an influence on our future plans. Also, it was sort of sad for him to see me infatuated with somebody else, and know that it's something we can never experience together again. At the same time he felt very glad for me, a lot of compersion. And our relationship has grown and benefited significantly, we both agree on that. Now that the situation has normalised he hasn't been experiencing any of the feelings of strangeness, he is just happy to see me happy.

It has been extremely satisfying for me to explore my sexuality with my girlfriend. And having another really happy relationship, as well as the whole opening up process, has made me appreciate my husband in a completely new way. It is so often that poly relationship lets me experience concretely the importance he gives to my happiness, and I love him for that. We have both become more independent, and I'd say more loving and committed to each other at the same time.

The best advice I can give is not to be afraid of having some uncomfortable feelings, be willing to talk about things, and be understanding and compassionate towards each other while being clear in what you want and need.
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 02-24-2012, 09:52 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25
Default

rory--your input is much appreciated. May I ask some personal questions? How has your involvement w Mya affected your sex life w your husband, both in terms of quality and quantity? Is your sexual desire for him diminished because you might be more sexually focussed on Mya? How about your husband's desire for you? Does he enjoy hearing about (watching?) your sexual activities w Mya? Feel free to PM if you prefer a more private venue for this discussion. Thanks!

Last edited by SoCalDoc; 02-24-2012 at 09:57 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 02-25-2012, 11:00 AM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 496
Default

That is okay. I think these are very individual things that are impacted by many factors. But for us it has all been beneficial.

For me NRE with Mya didn't only affect my desire for her, but also my general sex drive. Thus, there was an increase in quantity for the infatuation period, but that effect was obviously just temporary. Alec tends to want sex somewhat more than I do, so the increase in my libido was welcomed by the both of us.

I am in a long distance relationship with Mya, and I guess that allows me to see some of the effects more clearly. I have a completely different sexual dynamic with Mya than I have with Alec. I get to express different sides/aspects of my sexuality with her, that I can't with Alec (and that works the other way around, as well). I feel sexually most complete with both, and when both of them are available to me, I actually want more sex in general.

My sexual relationship with Mya doesn't include either of our husbands, they don't participate or watch. It also doesn't feel comfortable for any of us to discuss the details overly much, at least not with the purpose of arousal. Obviously I am fine with anything that goes on in Alec's head, that doesn't bother me in any way. He does enjoy thinking about me with women, in general, but it seems that it doesn't work in an entirely similar way when it's a girlfriend instead of a more casual thing (we are open for that, too).

Have you considered the possibility of your wife exploring her sexuality outside the context of a romantic relationship? Would she feel comfortable with having casual sex, or being intimate with a friend? How do you feel about that? Not that you need to be open to be poly, of course.
__________________
Living with my partner Mya and metamour Hank. Seeing Lily.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 02-25-2012, 06:20 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25
Default

rory -- I sent you a PM, but I fear it didn't go through. Let me know. SCD
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 02-27-2012, 08:24 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25
Default

"Have you considered the possibility of your wife exploring her sexuality outside the context of a romantic relationship? Would she feel comfortable with having casual sex, or being intimate with a friend? How do you feel about that? Not that you need to be open to be poly, of course. "
--------------------------------------------------
Good question. I've tended to focus on a romantic relationship, as that pushes my poly button (in a good way) but I'd be okay if my wife wanted to explore this casually -- and she might consider this. I suppose she could go to a lesbian bar -- any of you bi ladies ever try that?

The friend w benefits option is appealing, but how does one make that happen?

Any suggestions?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 02-28-2012, 03:08 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,634
Default

Lesbians aren't generally big on bi poly ladies. Ya, likely not going to happen, but one never knows. Its a usual place for people to start actually. Seems good in theory, but in reality the lesbians are kinda wierded out or grossed out. I know I was back in the day and we made fun of women who did that and strung them along. I remember couples trying to pick me up too. Equally weird and disturbing. Lesbians are usually a conservative bunch and like their serial monogamy amongst the women only. Sometimes even attempting to take a woman away from the male partner (cowgirl) Its a whole other subculture that often just doesn't cross over well into bicurious polycurious women. Its often seen as insulting to lesbian culture from what I know. Of cousre this is all generalization on my part.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 02-28-2012, 03:28 AM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 7,161
Default

I suggest meetup.com to look for groups that cater to bi women in your area. They often organize parties, activities, etc. to meet people.
__________________
The world opens up... when you do.

Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
"Love is that condition in which another person's happiness is essential to your own." ~Robert Heinlein
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 02-28-2012, 02:05 PM
Magdlyn's Avatar
Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 3,557
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Lesbians aren't generally big on bi poly ladies. Ya, likely not going to happen, but one never knows. Its a usual place for people to start actually. Seems good in theory, but in reality the lesbians are kinda wierded out or grossed out. I know I was back in the day and we made fun of women who did that and strung them along. I remember couples trying to pick me up too. Equally weird and disturbing. Lesbians are usually a conservative bunch and like their serial monogamy amongst the women only. Sometimes even attempting to take a woman away from the male partner (cowgirl) Its a whole other subculture that often just doesn't cross over well into bicurious polycurious women. Its often seen as insulting to lesbian culture from what I know. Of cousre this is all generalization on my part.
Yeah, once I was single, and knowing I was bi, I'd thought I'd be dating lesbians, but I've come to find out there is such a hatred of penises in dyke culture... they don't wanna come near one, or near a vag that's had one in it!

Luckily I met my transwoman gf soon after I started dating. She is bi as well. You rarely see transwomen dating cis gendered women. I didnt meet any til our last time at a transhealth conference. There were about 30 couples, cis women with their transwomen gfs or wives. It was so nice to feel we weren't alone for once.

It's becoming more common, however, in a lesbian couple, for the more butch one to realize she is actually a transman, and for her to transition to male. Then her lesbian gf suddenly is like, "What? I'm hetero now?" and be all confused.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 02-29-2012, 12:19 AM
trescool's Avatar
trescool trescool is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: ontario, Canada
Posts: 59
Default

Quote:
Lesbians aren't generally big on bi poly ladies. Ya, likely not going to happen, but one never knows. Its a usual place for people to start actually. Seems good in theory, but in reality the lesbians are kinda wierded out or grossed out. I know I was back in the day and we made fun of women who did that and strung them along. I remember couples trying to pick me up too. Equally weird and disturbing. Lesbians are usually a conservative bunch and like their serial monogamy amongst the women only. Sometimes even attempting to take a woman away from the male partner (cowgirl) Its a whole other subculture that often just doesn't cross over well into bicurious polycurious women. Its often seen as insulting to lesbian culture from what I know. Of cousre this is all generalization on my part.
OMG yeah!! Can I say it's been SUPER HARD as a bi woman in a relationship with a man who really really really loves women and REALLY identifies socially, emotionally with women to be poly? I totally agree; most lesbians I meet are somewhat socially conservative! They want a woman, some even restrict themselves to only other lesbians (not bi women) and they are very offended at the idea of dating a woman in a relationship with another man.

Yup, Lesbians seem to want their monogamous marriages up here in Canada...

I GET it, because as a woman it is so incredibly hard to find another woman. So I think lesbians don't want to feel like they're going to be abandoned or treated as a play-thing by a woman. It's too painful in a culture where lesbians are sexualised and used for experiments, but not really deeply appreciated and loved as partners.

So those have been my personal experiences. However, others may disagree or have had different experiences.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 03-01-2012, 06:44 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 25
Default

The Meetup.com idea looks promising.

Thanks for that suggestion!
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual female, vee dynamics

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:54 PM.