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  #11  
Old 02-27-2012, 10:09 AM
zylya zylya is offline
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Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Wait, you guys just met this woman in December and you're already doing the ring, move-in, kids talk stuff?? That is REALLY fast for such major life decisions! I don't feel like I can even be sure if I'm going to be great friends in the long-term with someone in three months, much less if I want to share my life and co-parent with them. What the heck? How did things get so serious so fast?
Said what I was going to say. NRE makes for bad decision-making.
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  #12  
Old 02-27-2012, 02:46 PM
Megziebaby216 Megziebaby216 is offline
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Thank you all so much for your input. Honestly I have no clue how it moved so quickly so fast because that is so against my nature. She lived over 3 hours away from us. So it was very difficult ( and expensive with gas money). to pack all 3 kiddos up, drive down, pick her up,a nd bring her home....12 hours of driving a week because of her wqork schedual. She had gotten done at her job at christmas time and said that when she found a job here she would move in. And low and behold, 1 week later she had 3 job offers. We had to buy another vehicle in order to support a 2 incoms household ( since I am a stay at hom mom, hubby just took our vehicle to work).

The ring was sort of rushed....but hear me out. Her family is extermley religious. her father is a pastor, and as u can guess was not happy with her about her sexuality. they disowned her, and she stopped contact. they hired private investigators to figure out where we lived. her parents came to our house and started fighting with her and told her what big mistakes she was making. her mother ripped off her ring that her grandmother had given her and she was very destraght about that. now they have moved many states away so im happy I wont be seeing them again. we were buying the ring when this happened, we had originally aggreed on julyish to give her the ring. But hubby gave it to her when we came home because of how upset she was because of her parents.

i will add that we are all fairly young, ( 24), but very independant. I have 3 young children, and plan on having at least 2 more. I am completley okay with them having children, but not yet! It has only been 3 months. I want to date, get to know one another on a deeper level. You know. I am not a jealous person until the baby topic comes up. Then hubby and I fight. Where we are a triad, I consider my gf in every decision, even if it has my husband and i's name on it ( like our new vehicle), we each contribute. I stay at home with the children, rnu the household, bills, budget, work the farm, household remodel projects, and etc. My gf helps with household chores and works a parttime job to bring in income. My husband works full time and deals with the more "manly" things such as our vehicle maintenence, home improvement, and of course dishes 9 who likes doing dishes?) haha. Anyways, I like where our dynamic is going, our time runs more smoothly vs just hubby and I and we have more time together since someone is always doing something the list gts done faster. Although worrying about another is added stress, life runs more smoothly and I am much happier with her around.

Except with the baby topic. My husband is a great father, and my girlfriend will make a great mother. My concern is timing, we have only been togethter so long. Now that shes here, I want to enjoy her, work out the little logistics. I enjoy doing things with her that my husband and I cant ( like cuddle and watch criminal minds) - favorite show and my hsuband hates it lol.

My husband knows how I feel. And Because of my anxiety disorder I start having muscle spasms and twitching and get sick everytime he talks about it. I have waited a few weeks now, to see if my gf will come around and talk to me. She had a pregnancy scare 3 weeks after being together and was nervous saying she didnt want one right now, and was upset because of some of the things hubby had said about my feelings not mattering and how its not my child....but it is. I will be going through the pregnancy with her, supporting her, getting a job if she can no longer work, i will feel those kicks, make her food for her cravings, watch her ultrasounds and hold her hand, help her deliver, stay at home with the child and raise it when she goes back to work, her children will share half dna with my own children, and I will raise that child like a brother/sister to my own....how is that not my child. my gf diciplines my children, puts them to bed, makes them lunch, helps bathe them, they love her, they are like her children as well.

I dont want a heiarchy. I want us all to be equal members, a family unit.

Thank you all so much, though I havent been her but 24 hours I love the support and great people here!
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  #13  
Old 02-27-2012, 02:47 PM
Megziebaby216 Megziebaby216 is offline
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Originally Posted by zylya View Post
Said what I was going to say. NRE makes for bad decision-making.

Whats NRE?
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  #14  
Old 02-27-2012, 04:15 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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NRE is new relationship energy. It refers to that time in a new relationship when you tend to make bad decisions because you're so caught up in the newness and the happiness and the this-is-going-to-last-foreverness and the this-is-my-soulmateness. It is, essentially, your hormones controlling you. It generally lasts from one to two years. It can literally destroy a poly relationship when someone allows NRE to influence them and neglect the relationships that are not causing the NRE. It can be addictive--you see this in the person who moves from "love of their life" to "love of their life" without settling. A friend of mine once said in reference to NRE, "One should never make decisions while high" and that is 100% true.

As for the OP, I've been in a committed poly relationship for some time now, and I'm not sure how I would handle it if any of my partners wanted more children even after all of this time together. I can't even imagine having a baby after knowing someone less than a year. Rushing into having children is, in my opinion, a big mistake. Your relationship hasn't even settled yet, and they want to add stress? And, like everyone else said, OF COURSE having children affects you. I like to help out, but that late-night changing and feeding on a child that I had no choice about, doctor's bills, clothing bills, bills bills bills and I had no say, would build resentment in even the sweetest person. You need to stop waiting for them to talk to you and have a conversation with them, together, seperate, with someone to hold your hand, whatever works. Calm but firm, assert your rights. EVERYONE has a right to be heard in the relationship, whether they agree or not.
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  #15  
Old 02-27-2012, 05:01 PM
Megziebaby216 Megziebaby216 is offline
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Thank you all! I am going to hold a family meeting tonight. my husband is already in an attitude because of it...
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  #16  
Old 02-27-2012, 05:37 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Good luck!
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  #17  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:40 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Megziebaby216 View Post
... he calls me controlling and says i shouldnt have a say where it doesnt involve me....

It very much does involve you. Any child he fathers places a legal and financial obligation on him that will affect you quite a bit. It will affect your scheduling and household budget.

I have to wonder why you're tolerating his behavior. He already had unprotected sex with a previous partner and knocked her up--and he's talking about doing the same again? I say it's quite obvious that he doesn't really give a damn about you and simply wants to father a child with whomever he can talk into it. Unprotected sex that puts you at risk AND plans for a child that will greatly affect your life and which you don't want--and you're still hanging around?

Seriously, were my wife to tell me that she was planning to have a child with somebody else whether I wanted to deal with another child or not, I'd tell her she's free to do so, to have fun with that, and the divorce papers would be ready as soon as the attorney's office could provide them. I'm not going to be obligated to a child not my own without making the choice myself.

Boundaries are very good things to enforce.
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  #18  
Old 02-27-2012, 08:55 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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It doesn't sound like he understands the first thing about healthy polyamory if the very idea of a family meeting on such an important topic is enough to upset him. As others have said, it's all about communication communication communication! I think I'd be anxious too if I were partnered with someone who didn't have that basic respect for me, for important decisions, or for clear and open, honest communication. I feel for you. Maybe he should read this thread.
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  #19  
Old 02-27-2012, 09:10 PM
peabean peabean is offline
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I'm very sorry you're new triad is experiencing this. I am also in a MFF triad with my husband and girlfriend. Our relationship is about a year old and we've had quite a few discussions about more children. We currently have one child, who was born prior to our current relationship.

Having a child with someone is not a decision to be taken lightly! As much as I love my girlfriend and husband, I get panicked whenever we seriously discuss her having a baby. I know that I want to expand my family, and I know I want her to be part of it, but I'm not sure the relationship is mature enough yet. Its tempting to think 'it will be easier because she does the hard pregnancy and breastfeeding work' but that is nonsense! You, as a stay at home partner, will be her number one support. Are you expected to continue to be stay at home parent? Is that something you desire? What about when you want more biological kids of your own? How will she feel about that? The list of questions goes on and on!!

All those are internal questions. Sometimes I think that stuff is the easy stuff when I start to contemplate how we will present ourselves to the world. A baby brings everything to light. There must be disclosure to all three sets of grandparents. There will be constant questions about 'whos baby is it??' and so on. Then there are the side remarks of people who think you (as his wife) have been played. All these things can have deep emotional impact on a relationship. Again, is the relationship mature enough for this?

Finally, there is the fact that adding a child to the family is adding a new person. But by entering into a relationship with her, you've JUST added a new person. Why not explore each other? Learn more about each other? Would you have a baby then have another one 2 months later? Of course not, because every one needs time to adjust and get to know the new family member. The new family member needs time to feel part of the family.

I urge your family to take time. Love and desire for children will still be there in a year or two. Given how young you all are, you have plenty of time to enjoy yourselves and really build trust before taking what is arguably the biggest step you can take in a relationship. Good luck.
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  #20  
Old 02-27-2012, 09:17 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Megziebaby216 View Post
we had originally aggreed on julyish to give her the ring. But hubby gave it to her when we came home because of how upset she was because of her parents.

Where we are a triad, I consider my gf in every decision, even if it has my husband and i's name on it ( like our new vehicle), we each contribute.

Because of my anxiety disorder I start having muscle spasms and twitching and get sick everytime he talks about it. I have waited a few weeks now, to see if my gf will come around and talk to me.
A few things.
Did your husband and you agree to give her the ring together or did he just give it to her because she was upset. That seems like a poor reason to give somebody a ring.

You consider your girlfriend in every decision. When you used to date, and even when you met your husband, did you include these people in EVERY decision at three months? I have to say I consider it the opposite of independent what is going on, you may see yourselves that way because you have a home and kids and income, but in a relationship way, what you are describing seems co-dependant and rather dysfunctional with how your husband responds when you disagree with him, and with your failure to stand up for yourself.

The fact that you are "waiting for your girlfriend to come talk to you" is not going to get you anywhere. Why don't you go say "hey chicka, we need to talk about this?"

About your sickness and twitches. That's your body telling you that something is seriously wrong. Listen to it. When you are managing your relationships in ways that are healthy and loving to yourself, those anxiety symptoms wont happen.

And I hate to say it, but when I think about adults who are getting pregnant at 3 months into dating, I think of the people I see on daytime court TV show looking foolish because they made rash decisions and ended up in a mess. I figure if the situation I am in can be on a trashy tv show to titillate the audience, perhaps I'd better slow down and think things through, and what you guys are rushing into seems like it could easily do that.

You DO have to know that having kids with somebody before you have really gotten to know them isn't a good idea don't you? There is not one single reason in the entire universe that you can't wait til at least a year to see if the relationships have worked out. It doesn't matter if it's a mono or a poly relationship, it just isn't wise.
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