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  #11  
Old 02-27-2012, 05:42 AM
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This sounds very frustrating. Are you sure that maybe a sexual partnership right now is the way to go for you? Maybe its just all too fast for you and you need to slow down and take your time.

Some guys just can't do it, even if the desire is there, because they are still subconsciously stuck in the way they were raised to believe that having a wife and fucking someone else is just not okay. Some get caught up in their NRE over poly and forget that their brains take some time to follow.

I have dated a couple of guys like this in my past. I have decided that if I come across someone like this again then I will patiently decide that its maybe best as a non-sexual relationship for awhile, or always.

I have had a non-sexual relationship. It was satisfying for both of us. We got our needs for sex met elsewhere and were okay with that for a time.

I wish I had an answer that would make the whole issue go away, but really, no one likely will. Its for you to figure out I think. I just hope you aren't perseverating too much or being hard on yourself. Its likely going to be fine with time.
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  #12  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted by schismist View Post
Look, I'm not pressuring myself to get my dick wet. The last time was incredibly enjoyable, and I do feel a palpable connection with this woman. I just focused on pleasing her, and I can do that a lot better without my dick. Afterwards we had amazing snuggles.

I honestly have no problem with the situation other than the awkwardness of her sucking my limp dick. I really think I just need to have one success and then whatever barrier is in my brain will be gone forever.
Well it seems an odd contradiction between wanting to build a relationship and referring to this sex you want to use to help build your relationships as not just being about getting your dick wet. If you feel awkward getting your dick sucked when you aren't sure you're going to be able to respond, then snuggle and make out until you are relaxed enough for it to start responding and then go from there. I do suggest following all the sage advice posted before that you take it a bit slower if a relationship is what you want to really be creating.

I don't think at all that having one success will banish what's going on in your brain. Maybe it would for this one relationship, but I think it's pretty likely to occur again in the future if you jump in dick first so to speak. I guess I know why I avoid answering OKC sex based questions, I prefer each relationship take a natural progression that makes sense for the individuals involved. I'd hate for a date to assume we should be fucking/saying I love you/having orgies by date X just because I say that's what I expect in my profile.
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  #13  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
I guess I know why I avoid answering OKC sex based questions, I prefer each relationship take a natural progression that makes sense for the individuals involved. I'd hate for a date to assume we should be fucking/saying I love you/having orgies by date X just because I say that's what I expect in my profile.
I don't answer most of OKC's sex questions either! Didn't want any assumptions.
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  #14  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:37 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
were raised to believe that having a wife and fucking someone else is just not okay
God no. I'm a heathen, and agree with Sex at Dawn all the way.

This is how I see it.

Step 1: Be mono with one person since you were a teenager.

Step 2: Be anxious dating adult women.

Step 3: Set i = 1.

Step 4: Have erection difficulties on occasion i.

Step 5: Think it's going to happen again on occasion i + 1

Step 6: Set i = i + 1.

Step 7: Go to Step 4.

I came on here hoping to find someone else had a similar story, but none seems forthcoming and y'all seem set on it's being more of an issue than it really is. Great. Thanks!

Last edited by tachycardia; 02-27-2012 at 06:45 AM.
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  #15  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
I don't answer most of OKC's sex questions either! Didn't want any assumptions.
BTW I wasn't making any assumptions. I just went back today to check their answers when I made that post. I didn't make any decisions based on them.
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  #16  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by schismist View Post
BTW I wasn't making any assumptions. I just went back today to check their answers when I made that post. I didn't make any decisions based on them.
Oh, don't misunderstand - I wasn't saying you were making assumptions. But that's why I purposely don't answer most of those Q's. It seemed like you were saying, "why tell me to slow down if it's all right with them?" That's different than assuming beforehand that someone will sleep with you based on their answers.
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  #17  
Old 02-27-2012, 06:52 AM
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I came on here hoping to find someone else had a similar story, but none seems forthcoming and y'all seem set on it's being more of an issue than it really is. Great. Thanks!
Well, you only started this thread yesterday. There are many, many members you haven't heard from yet. Be patient.

What do you think the issue is, since apparently we're off-base so far?
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  #18  
Old 02-27-2012, 07:50 AM
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What do you think the issue is, since apparently we're off-base so far?
Thank you for asking! I have a pretty negative self-concept regarding my social skills. I'll refrain from going into patient mode and spewing my guts out on here, but let's just say that I find social interaction difficult. I'm actually not worried about sex, but rather flirting and all the subtle stuff. I think the erectile dysfunction is a physical manifestation of that anxiety.
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  #19  
Old 02-28-2012, 01:49 AM
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I just want to chime in and say that I don't assume your issue has anything to do with somehow mentally not being on board with poly.

When I was single and dating a few years ago, I started having sex with a guy who seemed into me but similarly couldn't seem to maintain an erection. At first we thought it might have to do with not being used to condoms, but eventually we stopped using them, as neither of us was seeing anyone else, and it still didn't fix the problem. He too had recently been in a long term monogamous relationship (8 years).

Anyway, one thing I noticed was that in the morning, I could wake him up with a blowjob or something and maybe the unexpectedness of just getting down to it like that defeated whatever anxiety was going on because... it worked out in the AM

So maybe work on ways to avert the anxiety circuit by having sex in more *unexpected* ways?
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  #20  
Old 02-28-2012, 03:00 AM
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So maybe work on ways to avert the anxiety circuit by having sex in more *unexpected* ways?
LOL. I suppose we could just bring out the ropes and paddles instead!
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