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Old 11-23-2009, 03:48 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Alaska
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Default First Date for the "other" partner....

So as most of you know Sept. 25th I explained to Maca (probably not the best way possible) that much of the previous problems and complications that I have brought to our marriage are because I am and always have been Poly. Only I didn't KNOW that "poly" existed!

At that point I also let him know that while I knew/know it isn't the BEST way to "start a poly relationship" the reality is that I am in love with our roommate and have been his lover off and on for damn near to 15 years. There is OBVIOUSLY a lot more I could say on that topic-but it's not for this thread.

Anyway-Maca hasn't had "anyone else" and one of the issues he was coming up against was not knowing if he COULD go through with making love to another woman without me there. We had a 3some with another woman early in our marriage becuase I knew it was a fantasy of his that he hadn't gotten to experience prior to our marriage. But he's never been with anyone else (since our marriage) on his own.

We talked about this extensively and I told him I thought he should just let me set up a one night stand with someone we can trust. Someone he could be with (or not if he just COULDN'T go through with it) that would respect and understand that this was about him facing his fears with a supportive friend. Someone who could accept not suddenly needing to be his "girlfriend" since he doesn't feel ready for that step but also wasn't going to treat the night like a casual fuck".

He agreed with some trepidation and the "date" was set for this weekend. Just prior to Friday night a HUGE drama that detrimentally AFFECTS our family in a MAJOR way and absolutely BROKE my heart but isn't pertinent to poly and isn't caused by ANYONE in our home happened.

He suggested cancelling-but for my own reasons, in spite of feeling a bit emotionally... sensitive, I decided to go through with it. On his side it went very well.

The one frustrating part for me was that I KNEW that although I am by nature not jealous or possessive in this way, this is STILL a big change of situation from our "normal" up to this point.

I had planned the date for Friday night so that we would have all day Saturday (Green Gecko is home Saturdays and could watch the kids) to process our emotions, reconnect, talk about how it went for him, what he learned about himself and how that may or may not impact us, our relationship etc.

However-due to the unexpected drama, that wasn't possible Saturday because I had all 3 of my Godchildren (1, 3, 12 yrs respectively) in addition to our two youngest (2, 9 years) and two others (5, 7 yrs). So I ended up feeling VERY distant, out of touch with Maca and frustrated in addition to already being emotional about the bs that was going on with my God kids.

It was late evening before we got to go do something and by that point my emotions were over-taxed. I burst into tears and worried him sick.

The cool thing for me was that he responded quickly and efficiently, loving me and listening as I expressed my grief about the kids, my reasons for not wanting to cancel and some of what I learned about ME due to the situation.

The plans had included a dinner together (all three of us) before hand, I had rented a hotel for them, set up the room (including her favorite scent perfume, massage oil and bath salts, condoms, etc). Maca was nervous so I had agreed to go to the room with them, settle them in, get things "moving" before I left. I was determined that I wasn't staying-although I'm sure that he would enjoy that, because if I'm there he isn't going to learn if he can or can't handle making love to another woman without me AND I'm not interested in being with anyone else at this time.

I figured out some things about my needs in the way this whole thing transpired. I expected that I would encounter some new thoughts, feelings etc that needed to be addressed (and need to create boundaries for future reference if he did manage to go through with it). But I wasn't expecting to come against a distant past heartbreak. I didn't expect to have a major emotional inner-turmoil from something that for all intents and purposes is long over. But obviously-there are still risidual feelings-specifically hurt in regards to it.

So we did finally have a great talk and we took most of this morning to really connect and that was AWESOME.

I guess my biggest point in sharing this-is that even if YOU aren't "new" to poly, if your partner is-there ARE going to be things YOU need to work through in their changing, growing and learning.



Sorry if this post seems to die mid thought. My mom just walked in and I need to help out with some stuff for her. I will try to fill in anything I missed later.
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aftermath connecting, jealousy, new dynamic, new relations, past hurts

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