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  #11  
Old 02-19-2012, 08:36 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Default The Middle – So THEN what happened? Some Bumps in the Road

As in any relationship we had our up-and-downs, arguments and resolutions. We were finding our balance points. Examples?

MrS was going back home for a concert (I had an exam to study for). This was to be the first time MrS was going to be with SweetPea since our “conversation.” My stated stance: “Of COURSE you are going to have sex with her. You love her. You share all this history. Blah, blah, blah...” He says “you are going to be upset”. I protest. Short story long: he goes home, he sleeps with her, he comes back...I am upset. Not with him, but with myself for having these jealous feelings (remember, I don't 'believe' in this jealousy crap). We talk, I tell him that I am not mad at him but myself for not responding in the rational fashion I expect, he says “I told you so” - which drives me insane! So, a few weeks later SweetPea swings through for a visit – it's great! her+me, him+her+ me – so I figure out that I am not so much jealous because she and him had fun, but that she and him had fun while I was back at the apartment missing him. I feel that I have come to a better place in understanding my own reaction and would be fine with him being with her again without me there. Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to test my hypothesis, he never played with her again unless I was also there. “No, I learned my lesson.” Dammit!

A few months later - he actually does cheat on me...with PonyGirl! (A one-night stand one weekend when she is up visiting.) I don't find out for a while and when I do I am strangely unaffected. I know that he doesn't 'care ' for her and that it was 'just sex'. (Per him...”I don't know, I just wanted to see if I could.” - what?!?, be attractive to/attracted to other girls?!? ...could have told him THAT!) Soon after that I had my first slip, some intimate “outercourse” (with a male friend I knew from HS, that I never had sex with). I confessed, we shared our confusions, we got over it. In the meantime PonyGirl had expressed her frustration with MrS 'choosing' me by having sex with OrangeBoy when she was 'rejected' by MrS, (This is the same OrangeBoy that cheated on his girlfriend with my roommate, the same roommate that was tempted by MrS...small world.)

An interesting side note during this period. During our boundaries conversations with MrS I told him that he was as free to interact with men as I was with women (although there were certain aspects that I preferred not to hear about in detail). Neither of us thought this would come significantly into play.

One time when I was out of town MrS did go home with a guy from the bar (our roommates were a gay male couple so we went to Gay Night at one of the local bars regularly) and received some Oral Favours. I was amazed (and amused) at how many of our friends and acquaintances felt the need to inform me of this independently. (I expected it of our roommates – they care about me and wouldn't want to see me hurt if this was not OK. I got the feeling that some of the others just wanted to precipitate some drama to observe – they were disappointed.) MrS came to me a few days after I got home to discuss it – he was curious if it would be different to be with a guy and whether he was suppressing something of himself. (Turns out he wasn't – OK, learning curve – good to know.)
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #12  
Old 02-19-2012, 08:38 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default The Middle – VV is Fun!

In the meantime (don't expect me to remember an exact timeline 20 years after the fact) I had struck up a fun and close FWB relationship with VV. VV and MrS had been friends (without benefits) for a few years before I met her. Her reaction when she met me was “F***, here is someone in a position to hurt someone I care about (MrS),” my reaction when I met her was “F*** , this is the most sensual female I have ever met, how has MrS not been with her....?” VV and I quickly became friends (after she got over her initial defensiveness of her friend- she did not want to see him hurt again – the way that SweetPea and NYGirl had hurt him before). In this case friendship led to intimacy. VV is FUN!

VV and I had a blast flirting with all the boys, and hitting on the sexy girls in our circle of friends. She is brown and curvy and delicious, I was pale and slim with long blonde hair. “Chocolate and Vanilla” Ice Cream – who could resist? We conquered them all (metaphorically). Sometimes VV would go on to date the boy, sometimes the girl would become a FWB to one or both of us... all very fluid. At one point we were at “gay night” at the local bar, the thought crossed our minds that NYGirl would be fun to seduce (she was there that night). I consulted with MrS in this case since it would have involved his ex – he was against (“I'd rather you wouldn't.”) – he felt it would be “too weird” for us to sleep with his ex that he was no longer involved with (in any fashion other than she was still friends with one of his friends). OK. Plenty of fish in the sea....

Looking back on this period...how was I so lucky? I had a (first) boyfriend who forgave my occasional lapses in judgment. I had a girlFWB that was on my wavelength...I had the opportunity to explore who I WAS without judgment...only advice. How many people get that opportunity ?
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #13  
Old 02-26-2012, 04:35 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default The Middle - Marriage?

At some point during the college years I had a brief pregnancy scare. It was a false alarm. However, it did open up several new topics of conversation – a.) having babies and b.) marriage. On the subject of having babies – I'll discuss this more later but the upshot of the conversation at the time was that I had no intention of becoming a mother at that point, or taking time off from my education to bear a baby ...and MrS would have been supportive of any decision I would have made in this regard.

At one point he basically said “If you HAD been pregnant, and if you HAD wanted to keep the baby, and if you HAD wanted me to marry you … then I would have done that, because I love you.” (Just checked with MrS – he concurs that was the general gist of the message.) Which leads us to the general topic of marriage...

Turns out we had very different viewpoints on the whole topic that were very much influenced by what we had seen modeled in our lives.

Since I had never intended to be in a “relationship” in the first place I never considered the possibility of me, myself, being married but had nothing against the concept itself. My parents were not the absolute best model for marriage – they were much better “parents” then they were “spouses” - but it seemed to me, at the time, that since they shared the same focus – raising the 3 of us children – they at least shared a common goal. I did have an even better model of marriage – my maternal grandparents. Married almost 50 years (at that point) they were still obviously very much “in love.” After raising 4 children they still had an almost gravitational attraction for each other – you could almost see an invisible rubber band drawing the two of them together. She washes the dishes – he dries, she cooks the potatoes – he mashes them (it bothers her arthritis), he goes for a motorcycle ride – she has a snack ready for when he gets home, she goes to the grocery store – he fixes the sink while she is gone, at night they sit next to each other holding hands and watching Jeapardy! ...seriously! One day during a girl-to-girl talk (a lot of which had to do with how much about menstruation, sex, and pregnancy no one ever talked about when she was a girl – and how confusing everything was) she disclosed that she still shaved her legs everyday so as to be sexy to Grandpa, who she still thinks is the handsomest boy in the world.

MrS's models had been very different. His parents had gotten divorced when he was about 8 years old. His father was only intermittently involved through his childhood. His mother got re-married when he was 13 or so to someone who tried but didn't have much interest in fatherhood. MrS and his step-dad had a relationship was rocky at times – but never awful (the topic of adoption was superficial addressed at one point – but no-one seemed to have much interest). The longest term relationship that he saw being successful was between his dad and his long-time live-in girlfriend (who also had kids his age from a prior marriage).

So MrS's perspective was basically - ok, if you are going to spend your lives together and love each other you can just DO it and there is no reason why you have to get all married about it with all the societal baggage that being married in our culture entails. My perspective was that getting married was a public announcement of an intention to approach life as a team. If you have come to a place where you are committed to spending your life with someone then that's an amazing thing, why would you not want to celebrate that commitment with all of the people in your life that you care about and who care about you?

As for society – there are some benefits to being married in terms of ease of some financial matters, taxes, acceptance in certain social situations etc. However, just because society states “Marriage means this and this and this” doesn't dictate what our marriage has to be...our marriage, should it happen, would be defined by us.

So, just over four years after meeting for the first time we have “The Wedding of Mr and Mrs S”
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #14  
Old 03-15-2012, 03:05 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Default The Middle of the Middle - Wedding

(Sorry if this post seems somewhat stilted...I lost my original post and can never recapture it so well on my second try.)

I am a traditionalist at heart despite the fact that I have many “non-traditional” views. Anyone attending our wedding would not have sniffed a bit of anything out of the ordinary about it...unless they were looking.

I wrote our marriage ceremony myself - comparing many traditional ceremonies and picking and choosing bits that resonated with us. When it came to the vows - I picked out 10-12 that were things that I was willing to promise to and then had MrS pick the 5-6 that resonated with him. “Til death do us part” was in there...”Forsaking all others” was not.

At the end of the day...it was very much “us” - I have never been to a wedding I liked as much as ours.

After the fact many might have wondered what was different.. We had already merged our lives, our finances, etc. We lived in the same apartment, we had the same plans. For me, there was a subtle but comforting difference. Pre-marriage, when I was making plans for the future I would think in terms of “I am going to do this and that...and MrS will be there.” After the wedding my though processes went “We are going to do this and that.” Subtle.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #15  
Old 03-17-2012, 05:02 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Default The Rest of the Middle

We essentially had established a “One Penis Policy” - MrS had originally felt he would be threatened if I had more than flirty friendships with other boys. To be fair, he never expressed any jealousy when I would go out with male friends on a “purely friendly” basis - even if he knew they were interested in me for more than that. For years and years I was never interested in any of my male friends in anything more than a “pushing buttons” type of fashion. (Yes, I was a bitchy evil sexy girl, still am...enjoy it or get over it, it's who I was at the time, and I still enjoy playing the role.) I never really felt the need to re-address or re-negotiate the original boundary because I was perfectly satisfied with what I had and was not seriously “looking” for any more.

My tentative attempts to find another girl (besides VV) were mildly frustrating...I wrote about one of them here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...5&postcount=10

During this time period I remember having a conversation with a bi-curious (female) friend of mine along the lines of “What if you found a girl who was really into you but wasn't willing to be with you if you were with a man (MrS)?” My answer was that leaving MrS was not, and would never be, part of the deal.... and this would be understood from the beginning. My relationship with a girl could take any form that she felt comfortable with except one that dictated what my relationship with MrS could be. She would not need to meet him if she didn't want to. But she could never be a “secret” from him or demand a change my relationship with him (other than negotiating time management and other practical concerns). Anyone who has talked to me for 5 minutes knows that I am married and how important MrS is in my life...there is barely a significant story of my life that doesn't involve him in some way, so it's not as though it would come as a surprise.

As the years wore on...the boundaries softened. One night we were at a party and I found myself interested in an evolving sexual dynamic between me and Otter (boy) and JA (girl). I ran to MrS and said “I want to make out with Otter and JA...I think I am going to take my shirt off but I'm not going to have sex with either of them...although I might be tempted to go further with Otter...but I won't tonight, and we'll talk about it later if it's an issue for later.” MrS's reply was, “OK, but be careful because I think Otter is really into you, so don't imply you are offering further than you have decided to go.”

Turns out that Otter probably was interested...we flirted shamelessly on multiple occasions. I gave him back-rubs, he cooked for me. But either he was not THAT interested or he was intimidated by MrS...because it never came any closer to bumping up against any of our boundaries. So the OPP was not really challenged by Otter. (Even if MrS teased me about my “boyfriend”...)
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-17-2012 at 05:05 PM. Reason: clarity
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  #16  
Old 03-21-2012, 10:01 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default So There We Are

So for years and years we are just living our lives. We get together with our local friends who are busy getting married and making babies: Rube and his wife MsJ (married – two kids), JB and his wife (married – one kid), MrClean and MrsClean (married – two kids). I am my usual self - flirting with everyone and pushing other people's boundaries and these friendships each find their own levels of comfort and closeness.

At some point I starting sleeping with MsJ (Rube's wife). Which was fine with me, MrS, and MsJ. Turns out Rube had a bit of a miff about it (even though I had slept with him, oh so many years ago – somehow he felt that because I later slept with MrS, then by my sleeping with MsJ, somehow he had slept with MrS...how homophobic can you get?). Then it turns out that MsJ had somehow mysteriously forgotten then I had slept with Rube two DECADES before...so there was unnecessary drama there (this has settled down now). I sleep with MsJ when she is in the mood and the opportunity arises otherwise we are friends (but not “best” friends). Rube refuses to flirt with me even though he is, surprisingly, ok with MrS and Dude petting his wife. (MsJ thinks this is because he has unrequited feelings toward me. I think it's because he cheated on her – which she knows – and doesn't trust himself anymore.)

JB's wife has no interest in girls at all (and limited interest in boys – I get the feeling that she is largely asexual) so that friendship contains no sexual element. She and I don't really have a lot in common and would not be friends if she weren't married to JB – but it's interesting to me to be able to talk to someone who has a completely different perspective from me on a number of topics. JB and I flirt verbally but a few years ago he requested a “no touching” rule because he felt guilty about being “tempted” to want more. JB and I will occasionally go out to cultural events or hang out and talk about geeky things while MrS and JB's wife watch football (which we have no interest in) or go to movies that they like that we don't.

MrsClean is the person that I feel I understand the least (she is also the “newest” person to our circle of friends - prior to Dude). The vibe and responses that I get from her when we are all together do not mesh with what MrClean reports she says and does when they are at home. MrS and I can't decide whether this is because her public and private personas are really that divergent or because MrClean is adding all sorts of interpretations (based on negative experiences in past relationships) of his own to her actions/statements. MrClean and I are flirting with verging on FWB ...but Not-Quite. (This has been complicated a bit by my becoming involved with Dude, I think that now that there is another guy in the picture he is having thoughts of “Why him and not me?”) This is some ongoing evolution and history here … which probably deserves its own post.

*****

A few other relationships that deserved to be recognized at this point:

Angel is my best friend. Straight. Married. Monogamous. We are not sexually interested in each other in any way but she is probably closer to me than anyone other than MrS. We met in grad school (15 years ago now?). One day we were in a small discussion group in an ethics class and left class talking, we walked the same way home and kept talking, I invited her in to my apartment and we kept talking until MrS came home from work 5-6 hours later. For the next 3 years we spent practically all of our free time at her place or mine studying or talking until MrS came home to feed me. Within the first week she probably knew more about me than anyone but MrS. She is the only person that I can talk to for hours on the phone (I HATE talking on the phone). She is teasingly (or not) jealous of Dude because he gets to live with me and MrS and she only gets me one weekend a year (she and her husband live across the state now). When I was talking to her once years ago about polyamory and grey areas in terms of friends/sex/intimacy she said that if my FWB that I was less close to “counted” as poly then she certainly did too and she came to the conclusion that she was my “platonic girlfriend.” Her ideal would be for them to move in with us, merge our libraries (we are both bibliophiles) and keep house for me (her husband would not be ok with this, however).

SLL is another friend from grad school. Lesbian. Monogamous. SLL has the misfortune to fall for risk-taking thrill-seeking athletic highly-sexed bisexual women … who cheat on her with men. She is always calling me with questions about relationships, bisexuality, and polyamory. No matter how many times I explain that cheating is not poly (and that she actually has more “relationship” experience than I do) she keeps looking to me (and poly) for answers. We are not each others “type,” so there has never been a question of sexual tension between us. Aside from being sex-positive women who happen to work in the same field we don't actually have all that much in common. I find it interesting that we have been friends for so long (even to the point where we vacationed together without our SOs a few years ago) – but hearing about the drama that is always evolving in her life is soooo fascinating. Probably the fact that this is a LDR (even if the “R” is that of friends) is a plus here...I can only take SLL in limited doses.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 03-21-2012 at 10:05 PM.
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  #17  
Old 05-10-2012, 02:12 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Location: Pennsyl-tucky
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Default The MrClean Incident

MrClean and I came quite close to getting in “trouble” on one occasion a few years ago. MrS was out for the night and MrClean came over to do something involving an upgrade to my computer (I am a complete Luddite and MrS is only marginally better, so our friends take care of our computer upkeep for us). Whatever it was took longer than expected – likely because we were drinking some heavy-hitting Belgian beers and attempting to not-quite seduce each other at the same time. I remember getting myself all worked up rubbing on/cuddling with him (clothes on, no kissing, breast but not genital fondling, some heavy breathing – my usual modus operandi when “pesting” my male friends). I went upstairs to masturbate leaving him on the couch downstairs to sober up (and take care of any of his needs with regards to sexual tension) before he drove home. After pleasuring myself I still couldn't fall asleep. I remember putting on my bathrobe over my undies and going back downstairs to “pest” him some more. I don't specifically recall going to bed a second time (my assumption is that I got myself worked up again and headed back upstairs for a second go-round with my favorite vibrator).

MrS came home that night/morning to find me sleeping in my underwear (I usually wear PJs) and MrClean gone but having left his pager/ID on the coffee table downstairs (? evidence of a "hasty retreat" ?). I wake up to a puzzled MrS asking me if I had sex with MrClean...hmm? “I don't think so, I didn't intend to... but I was pretty drunk, perhaps I should ask him?” (He said we didn't .)

This incident led to MrS and I having a conversation about my boundaries with MrClean. We both feel that he is, in fact, capable of cheating on his wife, and therefore cannot be trusted to stick to boundaries for the sake of his own relationship. As a result of this, the burden really falls on me to be the “boundary” enforcer (NOT my strong point when it comes to other people's boundaries – working on this). I should definitely NOT be drinking to the point of fuzziness when we are alone. MrS also expressed discomfort with being present and witnessing some of my interactions with MrClean – so he would prefer if I would tone it down when he is there. Subsequently I scaled way back on my physicality with MrClean across the board – still flirty, lap-sitting friends but nothing hot and heavy.

*****

Although I am physically attracted to MrClean I do have real issues with his communication with MrsClean and his interactions with women in general (protective in a patronizing way, avoiding conflict by sacrificing honesty, projecting additional meanings into things,etc...I don't see that, personally, in my friendship with him but listening to him it seems like that is the exception.)

For instance, MrClean (pre-MrsClean) used to travel a lot for work and was a regular customer at strip clubs when he was traveling – which was a problem for a previous girlfriend. I have personally heard MrsClean say that she has no issues with him going to the occasional strip club when the boys are out together. A few years before the incident above MrS and MrClean were traveling out of state together. One night MrClean suggested that they go to a strip club, but said that he wouldn't want MrsClean to find out because she would be upset. MrS's response was that if they had to keep it a secret then they shouldn't go.

MrS wouldn't agree to keep that a secret from me (he wouldn't feel the need to specifically tell me either – but if it came up in conversation he wouldn't remember not to say anything - I don't care if he goes to strip clubs) AND I am simply not capable of remembering to keep a secret (seriously – if it's a secret, don't tell me, it would never occur to me not to say something if it came up – I don't need those kinds of complications in my life.) - so they didn't go. So, would MrsClean really have been upset or was MrClean projecting someone else's response onto his wife? Does she really say things publicly that she recants privately? I don't know.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-10-2012 at 02:31 AM.
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  #18  
Old 05-10-2012, 02:36 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Communication (Sidetrack)

If you get the impression that I'm not impressed with the level of communication in our friends' marriages you would be correct. Dude thinks that MrS and I don't communicate which puzzles him because he also thinks that we are the happiest married people that he has ever known. I point out that just because he doesn't see us talking things to death all of the time doesn't mean we aren't communicating. After 20 years together the communication just takes the form of a short-hand of verbal and non-verbal signals and references to previous conversations.

To be fair, MrS and I never did seem have to engage in the hours of endless discussion that many people require to get on the same page – we share so many core philosophies that it has usually just been a matter of checking in occasionally to make sure we weren't making unwarranted assumptions. MrS and I are certainly happy to talk for hours on interesting topics (one of my favorite activities with my husband – he is a very interesting person) but they are rarely “working on our relationship” types of things. I often hear/read that relationships are hard and require a lot of “work” - but I don't see that, personally. Being with MrS is easy – we have our occasional blow-ups but in general I think we are both just low-maintenance. Being with Dude is fairly easy most of the time as well – I just need to remember that he seems to need very direct verbal feedback if something he says/does upsets me, and he doesn't have the years of experience of living with me to automagically know what I would think/feel about something..

(I wrote a bit about their different communication styles in a thread-jack on Black Unicorn's blog here:
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showp...&postcount=244)
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #19  
Old 05-13-2012, 03:26 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default The Now – Enter Dude

MrS and Dude had been acquaintances then friends then closer friends for a couple years before I was introduced to Dude. (This is not an unusual pattern for MrS and I – I work long hours and am on call quite often and not very social to begin with, so MrS ends up going out, meeting people, and visiting with our friends much more than I do – a fiance of one of our friends upon meeting me for the first time remarked “So you DO exist!” having known MrS for a year or two and beginning to believe that I was a figment of his imagination .)

MrS and Dude met as they share the same avocation, which tended to put them in the same place at the same time for quite a while. They subsequently found that they had multiple other interests in common, and began hanging out to pursue these interests as well. MrS would meet up with Dude, they would hang out and do stuff. Occasionally MrS would crash at Dude's place if they had been drinking. (I like to be informed if MrS is not coming home at night so I don't panic if I wake up in the morning and he is not home – our usual pattern is that he calls or texts me around 11 pm to tell me to go to bed, let me know where he is, and whether he is coming home or crashing elsewhere.) Dude, at this point has not been over to our house other that to drop MrS off (MrS knows I don't like “strangers” in my space) and I have never even seen him.

Dude's situation: He had moved back to our area to take care of his grandmother. He was, at the time, involved with a woman he had been in a LTR/LDR relationship with for 3-4 years. At times they had lived together, at times he was on the road a lot for work. During the time when MrS and Dude were developing their friendship Dude's girlfriend (let's call her Flack) was living many states away. When I met Dude for the first time (this would be springtime 2 years ago) he was planning to go stay with her for some extended but undefined period of time (a month? 4-6 weeks? More?) and was looking for someone to adopt/take care of his snake (her living situation not being amenable to taking the snake with him). MrS suspected correctly that I would be interested and took me to Dude's house to meet Dude and said snake.

So, I put on a sexy little shirt and my most flattering jeans and go off to meet Dude and snake. (I feel more confident meeting new people if I feel sexy, and, if Dude and MrS are close friends then I want him to like me too .) We all hang out, drink good beer (we are all beer snobs), play with the snake and have a great time. MrS and I come home with the snake and a few days later Dude heads out of state to see Flack. Dude and I exchange a few snake related e-mails but otherwise we don't hear from him much while he is gone.

Summertime rolls around and Dude is back in town, having broken up with Flack while he was out of state. MrS and Dude continue to do their thing and Dude starts hanging out at our house more, sometimes crashing in the guest room if they are up late or drinking. I do my own thing or hang out with them watching movies or TV. Dude joins an on-line dating site, starts meeting up with a few women. I'm my usual flirty cuddly self . Everyone is comfortable. All is good.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-13-2012 at 03:28 PM.
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Old 05-13-2012, 06:27 PM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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yay! and now I am caught up reading your story (to here). I keep seeing it pop up (I read the forum by looking at 'New Posts'), and I've been saving it for when I had time to have a good read. Very satisfying, and I'm eagerly awaiting more.
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Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own...
Robert A. Heinlein

Me: female, bi, (formerly hinge of a vee)
with FirstBoyFriend (FBF)(moderately long-distance)
and no longer with CurrentBoyFriend (CBF)(who lives in the apartment building next door)
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