Losing Faith in Mongamy?

[lola]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

Well, the relationship she entered into with you and agreed to was a monogamous one. You may have changed your mind and may not be happy with monogamy any more but that doesn't make it unfair that she may not change her mind. It may be unfortunate, but it certainly isn't unfair. What is more unfair is putting your wife between a rock and a hard place by forcing her to choose between having a marriage with you and opening up that marriage.

It could very well be that as she learns more and gets used to the idea, she may be ok with it. But it won't be unfair to you if she isn't. To think so is rather selfish from my point of view. Redpepper put it best: It's her journey and you should honor that.

I'm glad you brought this up, Ceoli.

What I'm seeing in your posts, Thirty, is a resistance to not getting to have R. I understand it. I realize it's easier said than done when it comes to feelings, but you've been given very good advice and in that is to go slowly for your wife's sake. If you love her and do not want to hurt her, you can set aside your situation for a bit so she can acclimate. No one is saying you can't have poly, just that if you value your marriage, you need to tune into your wife for a while and not focus solely on your needs and wants.

Poly is built on everyone involved..that includes your wife. Yes, the feelings are overwhelming...that's called NRE = New Relationship Energy - the sites recommended have articles on this phenomenon. The more you understand, the easier it will be for you to do what you need to do.

For your own sake, slow down, take a breath, and do some research before you push your wife too hard...imho.

[bryophyte]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

NRE stands for New Relationship Energy. And I don't see this in play yet because the OP has stated that he has not told the person in question how he feels and doesn't feel that he knows her very well in real life yet. What the OP is experiencing is limerance- that ga ga feeling somebody gets with a new crush. If that crush developed into a relationship then talking about NRE would apply.

I'm new here and have just been lurking thusfar...

But I just wanted to say I get all excited when people talk about limerance because my roommate's grandmother was the person who studied/coined this word!

I remember hearing an interview with her on NPR like 5 years ago, so its kinda weird that I live with her grandson now

^That is so cool!!! I remember hearing that interview with Dorothy Tennov too! Though I got the term from a book years earlier in a sexuality course. It totally turned around how I think of crushes. I used to hate them and her writings on that stuff really turned me around.

[thirtysilver]

Well, I believe that I've come to a decision. I'm not going to pursue a relationship with R. It just isn't a good idea. I'm going to continue reading and learning about poly though! Maybe my wife and I will end up expanding our marriage into a poly relationship. Maybe not. Either way, you guys have been a big help! Thanks again.

[bryophyte]

Originally Posted by Ceoli

^That is so cool!!! I remember hearing that interview with Dorothy Tennov too! Though I got the term from a book years earlier in a sexuality course. It totally turned around how I think of crushes. I used to hate them and her writings on that stuff really turned me around.

Yeah, I think I may have heard of it before that interview as well, but I have no idea where.

but also, R.I.P. roommate's grandma

30- Good luck with figuring it out. I hope you can come to some understanding soon!

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by thirtysilver

Well, I believe that I've come to a decision. I'm not going to pursue a relationship with R. It just isn't a good idea. I'm going to continue reading and learning about poly though! Maybe my wife and I will end up expanding our marriage into a poly relationship. Maybe not. Either way, you guys have been a big help! Thanks again.

Yay, good choice if you ask me.

Stick around and ask questions, between us all there is a lot to learn from one another.

How is wife feeling about that idea?

[thirtysilver]

My wife says she feels relieved. She still plans to read up on poly. She says it wasn't just that I was having thoughts about someone else, but that she doesn't think R would've been right for her.
I'm still crushing, of course. I still have strong feelings for R. I'm telling myself that maybe there's an alternate universe where she and I are together. In this one, however, I have a wife who loves me and has been with me through thick and thin. I'm still a little sad.

[redpepper]

I'm sorry you are feeling sad. Think how great you will feel when the moment is right with the right woman!

In my experience my partners see things I don't from the outside. I trust their opinion as they know me. Trust your wife's judgment. Maybe you will see what she sees sometime.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by thirtysilver

My wife says she feels relieved. She still plans to read up on poly. She says it wasn't just that I was having thoughts about someone else, but that she doesn't think R would've been right for her.

This should ease things up at home! Glad she is at least considering poly now that she doesn't feel threatened and out of control. I'm sure that you will find that she will be far more settled and ready to engage in conversations more now. That's a good thing and to both your and her advantage.

[GroundedSpirit]

Thanks Ceoli,
Good to brink up the clarification on the terminology. Language and everyone understanding the terminology is SO important in discussions for clarity of understanding. Also good to see "limerance" come out too as it's a term I haven't seen exposed much in years and I've fallen back to using "infatuation" because of it being more commonly used and understood by a larger population. But sometimes accuracy offers advantages.