new to poly (surprise! ha!) and wondering how to negotiate

[Anneintherain]

My husband has dated a LOT over the course of being poly for 25 or so years. I've only had either 1-3 dates with people, or long term relationships, so I count on him for wisdom in this stuff. His observations have been that if a relationship lasts past the 3 month hurdle, it is more likely to be a long term relationship. If by 3 months you find the person has changed their behavior as your boyfriend has, and you just realized he was not perfect, hopefully the NRE lifts enough for you to realize that this is not a relationship that should last.

I am glad you recognize it's not her fault, though you sure seem to have a lot of animosity for her. It'd be nice if it was your bf you wanted to push in front of the bus, maybe that'd make you realize you'd be better off if he got out of the picture. I think the truth is that for your relationship to be a success, it would probably take years of hard work, and most of that would be done by you, dragging him along, bashing your head against many stone walls along the way. I rarely give this advice to anybody but my advice would be - STOP DATING HIM. Maybe at some point in the future he will have matured, but I doubt it's going to happen anytime soon. Somebody who is a lying cheat at 3 months was never perfect, and obviously the communication you thought was wonderful was not. Save yourself some heartache.

[Anneintherain]

Originally Posted by SourGirl

My blunt advice is : DTMFA.
My kind advice is : For you to talk to her. If he wont let you, take your cue, and then DTMFA.

Good luck to you.

If I gave better advice AND could be succinct, that would be the advice I would have liked to give!

[ultradeluxe]

Thanks to all of you - it's opened up my eyes a little more to the situation (my GOD it's so easy to be blinded by love, yes??), saw my therapist this morning and feel a little less angsty about it.

I actually would like to speak with this girl. I know who she is, where she works - what's odd is that had I not known this, which he told me, I would have felt more of a sense of disconnect to her. Not sure if that's good or bad. Do I need his "permission" to speak with her?

And SourGirl - I can't tell you how enlightening the phrase "human lego" is to me. I hadn't thought of it in that way. So thank you very, very much.

[SourGirl]

Originally Posted by ultradeluxe

Thanks to all of you - it's opened up my eyes a little more to the situation (my GOD it's so easy to be blinded by love, yes??), saw my therapist this morning and feel a little less angsty about it.

I actually would like to speak with this girl. I know who she is, where she works - what's odd is that had I not known this, which he told me, I would have felt more of a sense of disconnect to her. Not sure if that's good or bad. Do I need his "permission" to speak with her?

And SourGirl - I can't tell you how enlightening the phrase "human lego" is to me. I hadn't thought of it in that way. So thank you very, very much.

You are welcome. We have all been there, remember that. You are not a fool for wanting to believe the best in someone. Never do it at one`s own expense, though.
If we can help each other through the 'blinded by bad love' periods,..then,..yay !

Honestly, you don`t need permission to speak to her. BUT if I were you, I would ask his permission to see his reaction. If he said no, I`d know I was done with him, but I was going to talk to her anyhow. Make sure I gave myself full reason to end the relationship, so I wasn`t haunted by what-if`s later on. Then I actually would talk to her . I am a big fan, of letting people hang themselves with their own rope.

I know it`s easy from the outside, to tell people to end a relationship, but logically, for the time you have invested, and what true-colours have 'escaped' already,......I think you can take the love you found and things you enjoyed, and look for someone even more compatible. The world is not running out of good people to love.

Edit to add : In the event he says 'Sure, go ahead and talk to her !' and she does, and you feel better for it,....Then there needs to be some type of discussion all three of you can have, and clear some air on boundaries, expectations, and acceptability. The forum is full of advice on those things. Good Luck !

[ultradeluxe]

We're supposed to speak on Sunday. Given the way that I feel right now, I'm ready to break up. But also, the advice you gave me, SourGirl (re: letting someone hang by their own rope...) is pretty en pointe and probably a good course. I can almost predict his reaction, and that'll be my cue to do as I need to do - for myself, and myself alone.

He's playing the avoidance game with me today, and if I'm being honest, it doesn't hurt as much as it has over the past few weeks. Time may not heal all wounds, but I'm realizing that it is the great leveler.

You are all lovely, wonderful people and I honestly can't thank you enough. Shoulda given you my $125 for couch time =)

[ultradeluxe]

So... I emailed the other girl - she had NO idea of my existence, and we just spoke on the phone.

When she got my email, she was at his place, and was understandably freaking out - but he wasn't home. She wound up confronting him, and he said I was a "crazy bitch". Funny thing is, neither she nor I are crazy. He is. And refuses to address his issues.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

[nycindie]

Originally Posted by ultradeluxe

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Attagirl! It's refreshing to see someone with some self-esteem stand up for themselves. All too often, the sad stories here are about people putting up with mistreatment because they think they can't do any better.

[ultradeluxe]

Crazy, right? Even crazier is that I have a new friend!

[Phy]

Congratulations on getting yourself out of this mostly unharmed as it seems. And good luck with the new guy

[urmila]

Originally Posted by Anneintherain

My husband has dated a LOT over the course of being poly for 25 or so years. I've only had either 1-3 dates with people, or long term relationships, so I count on him for wisdom in this stuff. His observations have been that if a relationship lasts past the 3 month hurdle, it is more likely to be a long term relationship. If by 3 months you find the person has changed their behavior as your boyfriend has, and you just realized he was not perfect, hopefully the NRE lifts enough for you to realize that this is not a relationship that should last.

I am glad you recognize it's not her fault, though you sure seem to have a lot of animosity for her. It'd be nice if it was your bf you wanted to push in front of the bus, maybe that'd make you realize you'd be better off if he got out of the picture. I think the truth is that for your relationship to be a success, it would probably take years of hard work, and most of that would be done by you, dragging him along, bashing your head against many stone walls along the way. I rarely give this advice to anybody but my advice would be - STOP DATING HIM. Maybe at some point in the future he will have matured, but I doubt it's going to happen anytime soon. Somebody who is a lying cheat at 3 months was never perfect, and obviously the communication you thought was wonderful was not. Save yourself some heartache.

I agree with this stop dating, if he gets along with other girl and wont miss u, it is not worth persuing. he is not even open ith u. it is sad that u r saddled with a b/f like him