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  #201  
Old 01-26-2012, 01:25 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Erm...not sure if you have read it yet, but that does kind of sound like it might be a case where the 5 Love Languages book could come in handy to start some discussion. He can let you know what you DO do that makes him feel loved and you can try to do more of that, vice versa.
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  #202  
Old 01-26-2012, 03:01 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Originally Posted by Anneintherain View Post
Erm...not sure if you have read it yet, but that does kind of sound like it might be a case where the 5 Love Languages book could come in handy to start some discussion. He can let you know what you DO do that makes him feel loved and you can try to do more of that, vice versa.
I have just placed a library hold on it. Thanks! I came across Sternberg's "triangular theory of love" today and was planning to discuss that with my husband tonight. Those 3 parts are intimacy (emotional), passion, and commitment. Commitment is all I feel from him sometimes, although we have at other times had all 3. I've noticed I feel satisfied with only passion and intimacy coming from C, because I have all the commitment I can handle already. L has always been all three for me. And for all the heartache and confusion, I feel so, so lucky to have these three loving me the ways that they do.
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  #203  
Old 01-26-2012, 03:29 AM
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Definitely sounds like the both of you needing to go through the 5 Love Languages book together. I know it made a HUGE difference in my marriage almost immediately. RP also had some very good suggestions, especially about learning about "non-violent communication" (I know from experience as I'm the worst offender in this area).
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  #204  
Old 01-26-2012, 04:57 AM
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Sounds like a whole lot of NRE also.
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  #205  
Old 02-23-2012, 06:06 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Just wanted to share this happy update to my saga. I took Anneintherain's excellent advice and got the 5 Love Languages book, which my husband and I both read and had some huge "aha" moments. We also had one good counselling session. Now we understand each other much, much better and are both getting far better at loving each other, and enjoying loving each other. It's quite a shift.

We also reopened our marriage, somewhat. My husband decided he could tolerate my involvement with C (everything but sex/oral) and still allow him in my life, as long as he personally isn't expected to interact with him. Last weekend C and I were both signed up for a dance camp in a town where C has an apartment. My husband listened to my offer to stay in a hotel or with other friends or to use the apartment while C stayed elsewhere, but when I expressed what was pretty much my fantasy, which was to spend the nights there with C, he said he was ok with that -as long as sex was not included. So I did -I had a long weekend with C, spending much of our days at a camp where we only interacted as friends in a crowd, but eating our meals at his place (except one lovely picnic lunch in a park) and spending nights in his bed. Total bliss!

In the days since I've been home, I've felt such an enormous rush of love for my husband for letting this come to be. And I feel sooooooo sexy. And happy, happy, happy. My husband is enjoying it. Above all, I feel like I am finally complete. All the parts of my life have just clicked into place. No more wistful longing for something I can't have. (Of course I miss C since he is usually far away, but that's a sweet kind of longing because I know he'll be back eventually.)

I've been thinking recently about my single years, when I once calculated that more than half of my time in relationships had been long distance, and I used to joke that I must be more lovable from a distance. I think it's really that I like writing and anticipating and the joy of reuniting, but that alone is not fulfilling. Now I have a long distance boyfriend and a husband, and that feels absolutely perfect.

So for the record, here is one mono/poly couple who have achieved a happy state.
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  #206  
Old 02-23-2012, 03:22 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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AC, I am amazed and glad you and your h have achieved this new level of trust and understanding.

Not to be too prurient, but you say "sex" (coitus) and oral sex with C isn't allowed. But you were allowed to sleep naked together, and do all the kissing, breast play, licking/nibbling (other than the genitalia) and massaging, and mutual masturbation to orgasm you might wish? I mean, I hope so. Otherwise it sounds like an exercise in frustration to me...
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  #207  
Old 02-23-2012, 04:07 PM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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But you were allowed to sleep naked together, and do all the kissing, breast play, licking/nibbling (other than the genitalia) and massaging, and mutual masturbation to orgasm you might wish? I mean, I hope so.
Yes, all that good stuff. For me, that is plenty satisfying. For C, it was enjoyable but he never did get to an orgasm, which was a little frustrating but he seemed not to mind. I just have to learn some new tricks, I guess!
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  #208  
Old 02-23-2012, 05:57 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Yes, all that good stuff. For me, that is plenty satisfying. For C, it was enjoyable but he never did get to an orgasm, which was a little frustrating but he seemed not to mind. I just have to learn some new tricks, I guess!
Oh cool. Fun!

Yeah, sometimes there is a learning curve... trust, comfort and just the right kind of strokin! You go, girl.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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miss pixi, 37
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