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  #1  
Old 02-22-2012, 09:32 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
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Default Considering V for bi-wife

Hi, I'm a newbie here.

Happily married x 15 years, two young kids. My wife recently discovered she's bi. She's uncertain whether or not she wants to act on these desires. She is generally pragmatic and cautious, and she doesn't want to do anything to jeapordize our marriage/family, but she's considering the idea of pursuing a girlfriend. I support this idea.

About me..I'm happily mono, very much in love w my wife and she totally satisfies me, sexually and otherwise. Six months ago, I never would have dreamed that we'd be considering an open marriage, seems so foreign, but here we are, discussing it as a real possibility. Wow.

If we go this route, i picture it as a V, with my wife as the hinge. I think she'd prefer a married bi woman, rather than a lesbian woman for example, so they would have more in common. I'm not looking for a 3some, so a triad is not anticipated.

I have a lot of new/strange feelings about this, and no one (other than my wife) to talk with about this stuff. I'd greatly appreciate some feedback and advice. Here are some of my thoughts...

1. Few nights ago, while messing around, my wife asked me "what would you most enjoy seeing me do with another woman?" My answer was: fall in love. This answer surprised my wife, although she was pleased to hear it. I guess it also surprised me. I don't fully understand why, but thinking of my wife falling in love w another woman actually turns me on, as in arousal. Does this make sense? How do you explain this? BTW, the gender is significant, I wouldn't feel this way if the other person was a man. Hmmm. Is this common, for polyamory to be a source of arousal, even for the mono spouse.

2. More about gender...I think of woman-woman intimacy as being separate and distinct from man-woman intimacy, so I don't feel threatened by the idea of my wife having a GF. But I wonder if this is misguided. Any other guys have same/different feelings about this?

3. I'd love to get input from others who have experience in V relationships, especially ones similar to what we are contemplating. What are the pitfalls? What are the benefits?

Thanks.
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  #2  
Old 02-22-2012, 10:27 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Your feelings are not uncommon. You are not alone. Have a look at the tag section and do some reading under tags such as "lessons" "foundations" "vees" vee" and anything else that catches your fancy. Maybe read in the blog section too. There is much to learn! I would suggest doing this reading with your partner as it will bring up much emotion I suspect.

I am in a vee with two men as a hinge and as an arm with a woman who is married. We are all doing fine after three years its all possible.
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  #3  
Old 02-22-2012, 10:45 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
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redpepper, thanks for your response. Sounds like you have substantial experience w this. So how do you understand/explain the arousal response to polyamory? To be clear, I'm not talking about picturing my wife having sex w another person (although that's one of my favorite fantasies, w either gender) -- rather I'm talking about feeling very aroused just by the thought of her falling in love w another woman. It's such a curious reaction..
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Old 02-22-2012, 10:52 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
So how do you understand/explain the arousal response to polyamory? To be clear, I'm not talking about picturing my wife having sex w another person (although that's one of my favorite fantasies, w either gender) -- rather I'm talking about feeling very aroused just by the thought of her falling in love w another woman. It's such a curious reaction..
Seeing her happy turns you on - or the thought of seeing her happy and giddy. Does it turn you on when she comes home all excited about a new hobby or activity? I get this way with my husband (we are not in a poly relationship at the moment). I like seeing him all excited about something, so that's what I see when I let my mind wander into the realm of possibilities. Then I have to come back to reality and realize we aren't ready for that just yet - reality just bites sometimes.
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Old 02-22-2012, 11:06 PM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
Seeing her happy turns you on - or the thought of seeing her happy and giddy. Does it turn you on when she comes home all excited about a new hobby or activity? I get this way with my husband (we are not in a poly relationship at the moment). I like seeing him all excited about something, so that's what I see when I let my mind wander into the realm of possibilities. Then I have to come back to reality and realize we aren't ready for that just yet - reality just bites sometimes.
I love to see/make her happy, but no, her happiness per se does not turn me on in an erotic way. I think it's the polyamorous stuff (emotional/romantic intimacy) that affects me. Opening up our marriage w regard to emotional/romantic intimacy (in addition to sex) feels like such a profound shift. It's scary and exhilarating.

Last edited by SoCalDoc; 02-23-2012 at 04:29 AM.
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Old 02-23-2012, 02:12 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
If we go this route, i picture it as a V, with my wife as the hinge. I think she'd prefer a married bi woman, rather than a lesbian woman for example, so they would have more in common. I'm not looking for a 3some, so a triad is not anticipated.
I really like how you phrase this...expressing how you think things might look/work without negating all other possibilities. As a married bi woman myself this is a scenario that I could see as inviting. A supportive husband who doesn't automagically expect all-threesomes-all-the-time...priceless! I tend to be attracted to bisexual or straight (rather than lesbian) women myself so I can definitely see that may be more comfortable for her.

Although you may not anticipate it you should give some consideration to what might happen if you were to develop feelings for your wife's girlfriend or vice versa (if she is bi)...is that completely off limits or does it depend on where they are in their relationship? I can envision that for someone starting on their journey that they might be "protective" of their new GF and want to see how that dynamic works on its own without adding another relationship (you+GF) into the mix. (From what I can glean from what you have written I would suggest you discuss it in a theoretical way before she gets involved with anyone...as a distant hypothetical possibility.)


Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
Few nights ago, while messing around, my wife asked me "what would you most enjoy seeing me do with another woman?" My answer was: fall in love. This answer surprised my wife, although she was pleased to hear it. I guess it also surprised me. I don't fully understand why, but thinking of my wife falling in love w another woman actually turns me on, as in arousal. Does this make sense? How do you explain this? BTW, the gender is significant, I wouldn't feel this way if the other person was a man. Hmmm. Is this common, for polyamory to be a source of arousal, even for the mono spouse.
This is a lovely answer!

Thinking about someone else helping your wife to feel so happy/safe/fulfilled, while being viewed as no direct threat? I can certainly see that this would be a "turn-on." (Regardless of the sexual aspect of knowing there might be some hot girl-on-girl action going on somewhere out of sight...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by SoCalDoc View Post
More about gender...I think of woman-woman intimacy as being separate and distinct from man-woman intimacy, so I don't feel threatened by the idea of my wife having a GF. But I wonder if this is misguided. Any other guys have same/different feelings about this?.
My husband felt exactly the same way when we got together (almost word-for-word in my recollection). My relationships with other girls never threatened him at all. He felt that they and he had different things to "offer" and therefore were not in competition. (I would posit that every single person has different things to "offer" ...but starting out from a position of comfort can't be a bad thing!)

It probably depends on the person - some bisexuals may find that their relationships with either sex are the "same" (as much as any relationship can be the "same" as another), I find that mine are not. In relationships - friend or lover - with women I find that I tend to take on the role of "protector/problem-solver", in relationships with men I want to feel "protected/taken-care-of" if they are my lover (but can take the role of "protector/problem-solver" if we are only friends).

I don't know if any of this is helpful but those are the thoughts I had while reading your post. It sounds to me as though you have given this a lot of consideration and are at a good place from which to start the journey and see where it goes.
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  #7  
Old 02-23-2012, 05:22 AM
SoCalDoc SoCalDoc is offline
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JaneQSmythe--thanks for your thoughtful response. You asked if I'd be open to connecting w my wife's GF. It's not off limits, but it's not the focus of my/our attention. It seems like such a stretch to imagine this sort of triad, where all three joyfully like/love/f**k one another and somehow manage all the various issues and emotional needs, but if by chance life offers me such a rare gift, I would hopefully accept it graciously. But this is getting way ahead of reality. At this point my wife still seems reluctant to pursue a GF, for all the right, rational reasons. I don't want to push her. In fact, part of the rush would be if/when she tells me that she really wants/needs a GF. That's a message I would love to hear, but that has to come from her heart, it can't be forced.
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Old 02-23-2012, 07:13 AM
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It's been refreshing to read something like this. I think over time, with your support and encouragement your wife will begin to feel comfortable enough to dig deeper and get settled in her self-discovery.

Sounds like a good start.
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Old 02-23-2012, 07:00 PM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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I am wondering if you would prefer/feel comfortable if she fall in love with somebody because that feels safer to you. If you think about her engaging in casual sex instead, does that make you fearful or like what you share with her would be less special or diminished?

I do see a lot of people tend to be more OK with the sex and less with the love, but I have seen people post about feeling the opposite, and those are some of the reasons. Especially if there wasn't a history of lots of sex partners before they got involved with them. Especially if they thought their partner never lusted after others until the talk about poly came up. Especially if they thought they were only interested in dating because they want to explore bisexuality and then one day are told that they also are interested in heterosexual sex with others too.

They see their partner is a certain way, and realizing that their partner actually enjoys sex without romantic entanglements can be eye opening in a way they don't like. At the far end of it, they can feel like this discovery means their partner is a "slut" and they start having negative feelings about them, and any relationships their partner forms that don't fit the "idealized" format.

Hopefully that's not the case, but if it is something that might be possible, you might want to be aware of it. Maybe your wife only wants serious romantic relationships, but once you change the dynamic of a relationships there are lots of unforeseen possibilities that could happen.
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Old 02-23-2012, 10:20 PM
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"Compersion" being happy and loving because your partner (or others) are happy and loved, or are in love.

Its a wondrous thing. Do a search and find out more. Really, its very common and a strange phenomenon. I don't question it. It just is what it is I guess. If you find out why, please let us know. Otherwise, enjoy!
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