Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-14-2012, 07:38 PM
Preia Preia is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 10

She has a right to her safe sex protocols even if you don't like them. Even if you think you are safe. In my relationships, condom use is mandatory and it does not change with the length of the relationship, ED problems, or how important the partner is. If you were in a relationship with my husband, i would also tell you that it is the one thing that is not on the table for negotiation, period. Full stop.

That being said my OSO has ED problems. His have been getting some better with treatment. As long as he is satisfied, I am not going to worry about his pleasure. That is his to manage. I use condoms with my OSO. He has a wife who would not be comfortable. I have been with him for 15 years. Some boundaries you just have to accept or walk away. The wife is not wrong to need safe sex protocols, and have you never ever heard of a false positive or false negative on a test?

Sounds to me like you want to be primary. You want your wants and needs to be the only ones that matter. All I keep hearing is "but I'm safe...". So the fuck what... Just because you haven't killed anyone doesn't mean we should repeal the laws against murder. You seem to think that you are the only other woman he will ever want to date as well. Sometimes people hold their boundaries because they see the "bigger picture" and she knows by setting the precedent that her safety could well come under fire in the future.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-14-2012, 08:09 PM
MindfulAgony's Avatar
MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 192

People have been quite polite and balanced in their responses. NYCindie, I think, i'm in love with you. Your responses in this thread are just about perfect - direct without being harsh.

Gwendolenthefair, you are not listening. The chorus is all singing harmony and you're belting out gangsta rap. So, I'm feeling the need to be slighlty less tactful - Pull your head out of your butt. Just pull it out, open your eyes and blink at the sun shining in your eyes.

You are not playing fair. I don't see how your position is tenable. Based on your responses, I don't trust how you're responding to the situation. So, how in the heck should your partner's wife trust you later about what other partners you might be seeing. Your behavior, attitude and approach would directly contribute to the lack of trust if she has even a whiff of it.

Think hard on it. You have choices. But, they shouldn't include undermining your partner's wife. They shouldn't include accepting or encouraging of breaking a boundary with her. If you can't play within the rules and be happy, then you need to leave the field before somebody gets hurt.

I get that this is hard for you and your boyfriend. But, you're refusing to see the broader perspective that others have so tactfully tried to point out to you. Stop, sit with your pain, and broaden your perspective.

Trying to get what you want at all costs usually ends bad. (I know this from experience, unfortunately)
Male, Straight, Poly

OKC Profile

Mind Crush

“Instead of getting better and better at avoiding, learn to accept the present moment as if you had invited it. And work with it instead of against it. And making it your ally rather than your enemy.”
-Pema Chodron

Last edited by MindfulAgony; 01-14-2012 at 08:15 PM.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-15-2012, 06:27 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Fluid bonding seems a bit early here no? I know I am repeating what others have said, but it takes two tests to be sure.

I guess you could go ahead and do it anyway and then she would have to suffer with the condom issue not you (she would have to protect herself with her husband). You would pay the price for her lack of trust, and all the emotions that come along with cheating. She might just see it that way.

I think this is an act of NRE really. You have been together for six months and aren't seeing the broader picture... some of you posts sound whiny and like you are stamping your foot. Big time NRE no? Be patient and wait it out. Good things come to those that are respectful, considerate and empathetic.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-2012, 04:52 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545
Default solution.....viagra, levitra or cialis

I'm sorry...did I miss something. Is everyone so young on this post that you've never considered it- or did I miss something where there was a group consesus which decided that taking viagra, levitra or cialis is not okay and should never be mentioned on this site??......it was invented for this exact situation.....and it works with condoms! He can ask his doctor to prescribe it......problem solved!! :-) Yeah!!!
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-2012, 01:49 PM
gwendolenthefair's Avatar
gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 62

Idealist, we are in our forties, and my lover has used both Cialis and Levitra. In fact, I don't think we have ever managed to have even ten seconds of sexual intercourse without the Cialis (Levitra doesn't work for him at all), and even with it, he always loses his erection. Those pills are not a miracle cure, sadly. If they were, I would have a much easier and more functional sex life with my husband too.

I have given my issue and the comments here much thought the last couple of days. I realized that I do not want my lover to break an agreement with his wife. Although he has raised the possibility of doing so in the distant future, I believe he was just trying to pacify me, I don't believe he would ever actually do it. He is not that sort of person, and I am not the sort of person who would enable him to do so. I do think he is going to continue trying to renegotiate their current agreement, and I think that is fine, since I believe that their current agreement, if my STD tests continue to be clean and nothing else changes, is unreasonable.

I also realized that perhaps we should just take intercourse off the table for now. I know it is not good for me, emotionally, to have this level of frustration in both my relationships. I am going to ask my lover if we can shelve trying to have intercourse the next time we see each other, and just concentrate on pleasing each other in other ways. Even just snuggling him is always worth it to me.

I hope that my lover's wife will put six years of jealous and insecurity behind her and reach a point where she wants her husband to be happy and fulfilled in all his relationships. I know she isn't nearly there yet. I would like to spend more in-person time with her and hopefully improve this situation. So far, she has not been particularly receptive to this. He always offers to bring her when he and I meet somewhere and thus far, she has refused. She actually threatened to leave town when I recently visited their area because she thought she couldn't "handle" meeting me, but was persuaded to stay at the last minute. We are trying to plan a family vacation this summer with both families (our kids are comparable in ages and also have a lot in common), and my lover is currently saying that she might be receptive to doing this for a few days. I hope that it happens.
Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-2012, 08:39 PM
rory's Avatar
rory rory is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Europe
Posts: 497

^This approach sounds good. I agree that it will probably be less pressure for both of you if you take intercourse off the table. Hopefully, with time, his wife will continue to move towards more comfortable poly arrangement.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-22-2012, 12:36 PM
Gargantuan Gargantuan is offline
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 11

So how is it going now?
Reply With Quote

condoms, dick problems, fluid bonding, sexual dysfunction

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 06:16 PM.