Originally Posted by Lemondrop
This really stood out for me. I don't feel qualified to hand out advice...but I do think you might want to ask yourself, do you want to hurt her? Are you trying to punish her? If so, what would that achieve for you? I think you should try to figure out what direction you want your relationship to take.
I just read a wonderful part of a book on polyamory that really resonated for me: it's not productive to tell yourself that you shouldn't have certain feelings, because you obviously do. Perhaps you need those feelings acknowledged before you can move on. Also, maybe reading a book on polyamory can help you identify how you feel about it--I know I've certainly had quite a few "a-ha" moments in the last hundred pages.
Yes, I need to do some more reading, but it's hard. I feel so pushed into all this that actively digging into it is a challenge. And that's really the root of that statement. It feels as if this is something that JustMe wanted, and rather than talking to me about changes in desires/feelings/etc like we had agreed to, she decided to risk our marriage by just "taking it" and having the affair. I mean really, we lived as a poly triad/vee for the better part of a year, I just didn't know it! So there's this feeling that I've been manipulated, and if I decide to embrace this, the manipulation will have succeeded. Her desires having been bought and paid for with her deceit and my pain; allowing her gamble with our marriage to succeed, when it feels like she shouldn't have been willing to gamble with it in the first place. And on point with your quote above, I feel like I shouldn't feel that way, but I do. It's one of the many (oh gawd, so freaking many!) things I'm having to sort out...
And sometimes, I do want to hurt her, to punish her. It wouldn't achieve anything for me except a short-lived feeling that "justice" had been served. For better or worse, I'm strongly wired for "justice", not necessarily "vengeance", or "getting even", but a sense that the appropriate repercussions for one's choices have come to pass. I hate it when someone "gets away with something", even if it's me. If I feel like I have come into something positive unfairly, the guilt of it is intense.
And as far as direction for our relationship, I don't even know that yet. I want whatever direction will allow us both to be the most happy. How's that for a non-answer?