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Old 02-18-2012, 12:58 AM
quitecontrary quitecontrary is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 9
Default Newbie mono in poly relationship. Looooong.

Hi there, I'm quitecontrary (and apparently didn't think about how that would sound in an intro when I chose my username

I am a 23 year old bi female, the mono in a poly relationship with my sweetie, R, who is 9 years my senior. (Also submissive, but that's a little less relevant here.)

Basically, I am one point on a vee, with R as the hinge and his girlfriend on the other point. Oh, and there's a couple other girls too, but we are the main partners, me as the primary and her as the secondary.

I have broken a couple hearts on my poly journey, and I'm not quite sure why I never searched for a board like this before. Here's my story. I met my first boyfriend about a year and a half ago on a BDSM site, and we quickly became physically involved and attached emotionally. Which was when he started talking about his ex-ish girlfriend. She was poly, and he wanted to try. I was... well, I was in my first relationship ever, never been kissed before, and I wanted to make everything work. So I decided I'd try as well.

Well, for me, what that meant was deciding to make things official with my ex-girlfriend, L, who I had not seen in four years and who lived 13 hours away. Also, she is married and R was/is her boyfriend, all living together with her as the hinge in a vee.

Long story short, I visited and the NRE kicked in. And I ended up leaving the boyfriend a week later. I couldn't figure out how I could manage with L being so far away... how could I keep a sustained relationship with him if I was just going to end up leaving him for her? How would I know which of them I needed to be with as primary? I couldn't really figure out what to do, but I was in mass amounts of pain, as I also came out to my family at this time trying to get an answer to these questions, and they promptly basically disowned me. And she was begging me to come be with her.

It was an asshole move. The ex and I probably wouldn't have ended up staying together, because he was into some aspects of DS that I wouldn't have been able to handle in the long term, but still. Asshole move.

So I moved 13 hours away. Started a new life. L was working midnights and couldn't be with me, her husband was being clingy, and I had no idea wtf I was doing. R was there for me. We quickly ended up getting physically and emotionally intimate, but I had the intention of staying in the relationship with L as well. Things just BLEW UP. Her husband was mad because I didn't sleep with him and felt that I had led him on (which, in fairness, was likely accurate, but totally unintentional), she was upset because she was caught in the middle and about to lose the people she cared about. I was upset and angry and sad, because I had already lost everything, and now I was about to lose more.

L and I ended up breaking up, and R and I moved out. R was upset with L and didn't talk to her for a while, but they are now back on solid footing. Surprisingly, L's husband is fine with THAT, but he is not interested in becoming friends with me or talking to me, and honestly, I reciprocate those feelings. I feel as though he thought he had a right to my body from the minute I moved into the house. I feel like he is immature (even measuring up to me!) and I am not interested in any sort of relationship with him.

So, fine kettle of fish, hm? I LOVE R to bits, and the one thing I have realized throughout this whole thing is that I am most likely just mono. I can't spread myself out like that and I can't handle the NRE (clearly). And I am dealing with how that works, being in a relationship with R and trying to feel secure and stop the jealousy and TRUST.

It's interesting. It took him saying that he wanted me to be only his for me to think about it that way. I was trying poly because that was how my partners were wired, but I didn't realize that mono/poly relationships can exist and can flourish if treated in the right way. I have yet to find someone who has the same story, with a poly partner asking someone to remain monogamous to them.

I'd love some insights or advice.
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