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Old 02-16-2012, 10:35 PM
fidurski369 fidurski369 is offline
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Arrow Where do I start?

My Name is Carl. I am 28 years old and I live in Arkansas. I am a waiter at a Steakhouse and I produce music, mainly my own. My girlfriend Katie and I have been together just over a year and a half now but dated for at least 6 months before our relationship became ďofficialĒ. I was the one who held off being in a relationship so long, mainly because she was so much younger than me. She is 19 now. With 8 Ĺ years difference I thought I had to be cautious. Now I could not imagine my life without her. Donít get me wrong.. Iím not saying that without her I could not breathe. I am, however, very much in love with Katie. We get along so well it makes some people sick. We rarely fight and when we do itís usually ďthat time of the monthĒ. Our communication skills (with each other) are amazing and it keeps us away from the drama that surrounds most relationships. Please forgive me I am a terrible writer but I have to get this down and get some input. Please bear with me.

A couple months ago Katie sat me down and wanted to read me an article she had found. The article was about Polyamory. She explained to me that she loved me very much and that she did not want to loose me but she agreed with the lifestyle. I didnít even know what to say. I had a ton of questions trying to understand her motive for wanting this. Going thru every positive and negative scenario I could think of and spit out she tried her best to answer my questions. Being able to sleep with someone else? Being able to love someone else? Itís not that these things sound crazy. I had just finally accepted that she was probably going to be the last girl I would ever be intimate with and bam! So we got a book. Opening up: a guide to creating and sustaining open relationships by Tristan Taormino. It goes thru everything from jealousy, to raising children in an open marriage, to when your primary relationship gets neglected and even explains how important safe sex is. Honestly even having to think about some of these things becoming a problem in our relationship turned me off of the idea a bit. As of now, we donít have to worry about stds or stis, neglecting each other or really even jealousy. Were honest with each other and that takes care of most problems people would have. Well, she was honest with me and this is what she wants.

Iím doing my best to try and deal with the jealousy aspect. I know she will have to do the same. Everyone has insecurities that have built up over the course of their life for one reason or another and in this situation we will both be challenged. A couple of the things I have worried about most are my resources, attractiveness, penis size and intelligence. Hereís a brief description on each.

- Resources are something that attract women. Katie is not a superficial girl by any means. Specific example, last year for Valentines Day I painted our toothbrush holder in her favorite colors and it said, ďI Love YouĒ on it. I did it so every day twice a day she would be reminded that I love her. It may not have been the best gift ever but she loved it the same because she understood my intent and appreciated it genuinely. At the same time I worry that one day she will experience what its like to not have to worry about resources because of another man and that gives him a certain power over her life and especially lifestyle. Most likely the reason I worry about this is because I grew up in South Florida. I loved the weather but the dating scene there is horrendous. One of the first things a girl looked into once you actually started talking was your resources. What kind of car you drove and your annual salary was very important. I know I shouldnít worry about this with Katie because she loves me for the way I love her and not those things. Donít get me wrong, I have a savings and Iím good with money. We go out and I spend money on her on a pretty regular basis. Itís just something from the way I grew up that I will have to deal with. I think that this open relationship will help me with that and she will show me that I have nothing to worry about.

- Sometimes I feel like I am more attracted to her than she is to me. I think we are both attractive people and I remember the way she looked at me when the relationship started. She couldnít keep her hands off me and vice versa. The confusing thing is that Iím still that way with her and her passion has died off a bit, as far as I can tell by the difference in her actions now. Ex: Less flirting, less touching, less sex, less passionate kissing and less attention to my arousal. These things have gotten better since we have opened up our relationship but are not where they used to be.

- So pretty much every guy who has ever seen a porno is insecure about their penis as far as I can tell. A lot of guys I have talked to about our open relationship have asked the question, ďWhat if she meets a guy with a bigger dick?Ē in some fashion or another. So I get it. All guys worry about this. Iíll be frank, Iím average. 6 1/4Ē (length) 5Ē (girth) to be exact, which from my research puts me JUST above averageÖ but thereís no way that quarter to half inch is going to do anything different soÖ Iím average. Couple things that put my mind at ease about this with Katie specifically. One, there are a couple positions where I go to deep as it is and it becomes uncomfortable for her. Two, She seems to be very happy with what I have. I know why Iím worried. When I was 18 this girl who had only been with one guy before me told me I was small. She told her friends and it embarrassed me. Come to find out when I talked to her later in life that first guy she was with was 8 or 9 inches. To me thatís porn material. I have had a conversation with Katie about my thoughts on this and she thinks Iím thinking about something thatís not important and that she wouldnít even want bigger but at one point it statistically will happen and thereís still something about it that makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.

- Intelligence is something that comes in all different forms just like anything else. I am very emotionally intelligent and I see patterns very well. Have good hand eye coordination and am musically inclined. Katie is very book smart, a good writer, retains information like a sponge and learns anything you can teach her quickly. She is smarter than I am on many levels and I love that about her. At the same time I donít know if I challenge her enough mentally. I have been trying to read more lately. I bought Carl Stephens book, ďTame your woman: how to become the man she needsĒ and read it in 5 days. I havenít read a book all the way thru in almost 5 years. Iím trying but Iím also not trying to be something Iím not. Iím trying to realize that someone she is attracted to being intelligent would be the same as a friend she had being intelligent. Itís just threatening to me.

I love Katie and she loves me. To me we have the closest thing to a perfect relationship that I think is even realistic. I see it that way because it is that way. Its like were going to have different problems than other couples anyway because were not on that level. I donít mean to sound conceited in any way but itís almost as if we are above the problems of the average relationship. I remember the bullshit I used to deal with in relationships when I was younger. I watch couples in their 40s and 50s fight about things they should have gotten over before they even decided to get married. Lying to each other. Itís like they have to hide who they really are from their partners and keep how they really feel about real life situations secret because someoneís feelings might get hurt or something they do may make them feel less loved. How is anyone going to love who you really are if you donít show them who you really are? The point is that I feel like Katie and I have broken this barrier and so far it has made us closer. We have conversations about who were attracted to and why. Conversations you just canít have with the average partner because they are not willing to let go of the control they have in their relationship to see who their partner really is. See, thereís no difference between our relationship and any other. All we did was open up communication on a different level of intimacy. Most people just keep this stuff under the rug until something goes wrong with their relationship and then use that as an excuse for why they cheated or were driven away (if you want to take the victims stance).

Katie and I are moving to Colorado in approximately 6 months. She will be done with school and I have a job and interests that are movable. Itís a decision to just go and see how it is. We did research (more like she did) on different places that would fit our current lifestyle and this seems to be a good move for us. The local laws and people seem to be a little more open minded or accepting of difference as far as what we have read. I moved to Arkansas because of a job offer. A job I ended up not getting in the end. My life continued and Iím happier than ever. This life is interesting. With more situations than you think, you can make your own rules.

I had to write this down. I have to reach out. I hope someone will read this and have some experience to share that I can learn from. I am actually hoping to actually TALK to someone and not just write. Please share your thoughts.

Thank you for your time.
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  #2  
Old 02-17-2012, 12:32 PM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
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Right now I am going to address only the penis issue, its not. Just because some young girl didn't get it yet don't go by that , my GF husband is at least 9 inches but she prefers my 7 inches over his 9 . She cums much harder with me than with him.

So get over that part.
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  #3  
Old 02-17-2012, 03:40 PM
bassman bassman is offline
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Though my wife has not had another partner (yet?), I dont feel any fear that another man might be bigger than me.
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  #4  
Old 02-17-2012, 04:20 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
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First of all, it sounds like you two have the communication part down pretty well. I agree with you about how so many people hide who they are and what they really feel and believe and how detrimental (can't spell, sorry) it is to good relationships.
Second, passion, sexual and romantic, ebbs and flows. Her less enthusiastic responses could very well be an example of that happening.
Next, it doesn't sound like you need to worry about Katie becoming a size queen. I'll remind you that the vagina is an amazing thing...can clamp down on a finger, take a fist, and go back to the finger quite quickly and easily. As a woman, I am constantly amazed at how many men fixate on the penis size thing.
Colorado is awesome. We moved from Northern Colorado to Missouri about 6 years ago. It was the right thing for us at the time but I don't think we will ever stop missing the open minded people back there....However, the cost of living in the West is very different than the Midwest. If you have researched, you likely are already aware of that though.
Keep talking. It sounds like you are on quite an exciting journey.
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Old 02-17-2012, 05:50 PM
fidurski369 fidurski369 is offline
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Exclamation

Thank you guys/girls for your responses. As far as the penis size (which you all commented on) I realize that its something girls don't see the same. This feeling I have isn't something I want. I feel that it has been socially conditioned and I don't know why or by what group of people. Its so crazy to me that so many guys worry about this. I don't want to and I'm sure a situation will present itself for me to get over it so I guess we will see. Really I think it has to do with the fact that I can change or learn anything about performance but that is something I cannot change. I have always focused on my performance and its worked out for me.

Freyamarie - What are ebbs and flows?

I hope to hear some more responses!!!
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Old 02-17-2012, 06:17 PM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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What I hear you saying is you're not rich enough, smart enough, or hung enough to attract the partners you want. Is that because the partners you want all want rich, smart, porno-sized dudes?

I think you've got some cultural baggage about success and happiness going on. Do you know what you really want out of life? Not the BS that after-school specials and Disney movies have told you will make you successful and happy, but what really fills your heart and soul with joy?

Quote:
All guys worry about this. Iíll be frank, Iím average.
A penis is rarely as important as confidence, ability, connection, and interest.

Quote:
A lot of guys I have talked to about our open relationship have asked the question, ďWhat if she meets a guy with a bigger dick?Ē in some fashion or another.
These are the guys who think dicks are responsible for the female orgasm. I suggest you don't take advice from them about how to be a good lover.

Quote:
Come to find out when I talked to her later in life that first guy she was with was 8 or 9 inches. To me thatís porn material. I have had a conversation with Katie about my thoughts on this and she thinks Iím thinking about something thatís not important and that she wouldnít even want bigger but at one point it statistically will happen and thereís still something about it that makes me uncomfortable just thinking about it.
Get past the idea that sex is only about a dick going in and out of a hole. There can be a lot more to physical intimacy and pleasure with someone if you let yourself discover it. (Again, this could be some cultural baggage.)
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Old 02-17-2012, 06:30 PM
fidurski369 fidurski369 is offline
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Drtalon - Thank you for your post. While everyone seems to be focusing on something that I think is just a worry in the back of my mind and really dosn't stand out in my personality or relationship it seems to have made a venue for others to help me.

If you know this information its for a reason. This is exactly what I want. People who know ideas and have experience that I don't. I hope to learn from these things so I can get rid of my insecurities. I hope to be able to help Katie when she starts going thru things so I would like to hear more from the female perspective too.

You have provided me with a good way of thinking. I'm interested to know what brought you to your understanding.
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Old 02-17-2012, 08:42 PM
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drtalon drtalon is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fidurski369 View Post
everyone seems to be focusing on something that I think is just a worry in the back of my mind and really dosn't stand out in my personality or relationship it seems to have made a venue for others to help me.
Eh, that's probably because of the insecurities you listed, penis insecurity is the easiest to address.

Franklin Veaux has a good page that deals with assumptions and insecurities at http://www.morethantwo.com/relationshipassumptions.html

Quote:
I hope to be able to help Katie when she starts going thru things so I would like to hear more from the female perspective too.
Your self-care is important. Don't let caring for your partner make you feel like you're caring for yourself. Encourage her to join this forum or one like it so you're not doing more than your fair share of work on the relationship.

Quote:
I'm interested to know what brought you to your understanding.
Uh... the school of hard-knocks, the blessings of good luck, the help of many wonderful people, and decades of practicing mistakes.

How about some links?

http://www.polymatchmaker.com/main.m...DULE=POLYGROUP
http://polyweekly.com/
http://www.listal.com/list/poly-movies
http://www.catb.org/~esr/writings/sextips/
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  #9  
Old 02-17-2012, 09:42 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
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I was referring to how when a relationship has been going for a while it is easy to lose some of that energy that is inherent in a new relationship. Have you read anything about New Relationship Energy yet?
Also, as you know, women experience all kinds of ups and downs depending on what our lovely hormones are doing at any given time. The dopimine (someone please tell me how to spell that word as the spell check doesn't recognize it) levels when things are new can make romance and sex like a roaring fire. The trick comes in finding ways to re-fan the flames. I know it may be a challenge, but perhaps you and she can do something different than anything you have done together before? Maybe go someplace to try something neither of you have experienced before? From food to activities, it can really get the feel good hormones flowing.

There are far more knowledgeable folks here than me and I hope that more will drop by to give you some words of wisdom.

I think that the cultural worries about material stuff and success can really be a bear to overcome. I know how that is. No real words of advice though.
----I will remind you that there are many kinds of intelligence and that Katie wouldn't give you the time of day if she didn't see at least one kind in you.....don't you love how I know jack about her but I still say it? Well, I believe it is true.
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Old 02-18-2012, 03:14 AM
nihonjindesu nihonjindesu is offline
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Hey guys, I'm actually Katie (: Lol.
I saw something about having me join as well so I thought I'd say hi.
Nothing much else I can say as Carl knows my feelings.

I've learned a lot already just in one day on this forum, looking forward to the future & I'm so glad to have people (even if they're online people) to finally talk to about this. Nobody around here really gets it!
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