Is polyamory a sexual identity, just like being queer?

[hyperskeptic]

Originally Posted by Somegeezer

Polyamory isn't LIKE being queer, it IS queer in itself. Queer literally means out of the ordinary; unusual compared to "the norm". Most people around us being mono; poly is the queer side.

So, we're "numberqueer"?

[redpepper]

Wow, great points here.

nycindie, I see what you are saying... I don't know if I got identity and orientation mixed up, maybe, I am confused now

Correct me if I am wrong, but from what I understand, you are saying that you can choose both mono and poly situations and be fine with it. To me that is a lifestyle choice you have made. Others can't choose, they are poly or mono and that is that. That to me is different and something they are born with. Sure, it might be they grew into understanding that whereas you grew into being comfortable with and choosing poly. To me it isn't an option. I am poly and now that I know that I am relieved and feel whole. I figured something out about who I am that makes me feel sane. I might choose mono for whatever reason, but I am still poly.

[Tinkerbrat]

We are so new to this I am not sure how this works out. I know this has fed into my sexuality in ways I wasn't even sure existed. I have never felt so complete or so happy in my life. I guess that is why after we realized all three of us felt that way, we decided we were absolutely going poly.

When I talk about being complete it's not just sexually but it's nice to finally feel like that is getting the right amount of attention in my life too. I think the happiness that I enjoy the most though has NOTHING to do with when the clothes are off. Ok, so yeah it is... we all know that plays in. But it's so much more. I can say if there was some catastrophic accident and my "guys" couldn't have sex with me or each other, I would be very very sad. But i would still love them and still be just as committed to them.

Does that make sense?

[Somegeezer]

Originally Posted by hyperskeptic

So, we're "numberqueer"?

Basically, yes. =P

[trescool]

OH my gosh, this ginger bread person is amazing. Thank you all for such insightful answers!!!!

[LemonCakeIsALie33]

For me, I don't think it's a choice - I can't imagine being with only one person for the rest of my life. Even if that person were absolutely amazing and I was head-over-heels in love.

[Tonberry]

I don't know if poly is something I need, but I definitely think it's something I am. I would definitely say it's part of my identity, and my relationship orientation.

[penneysound]

i've only had one relationship, the one i'm in now. but i never saw any sense in the idea that when you have one, you should turn down others that may start to develop. i don't see it as an identity. i see the principle of monogamy as a silly tradition. it's those who adhere to it who are making a lifestyle choice, not me.

[ThatGirlInGray]

For me, making connections with other people is part of me, not something I actively choose to do. In that way it's the same as my sexual orientation, in that it's not something I consciously choose.

But I do choose what to do with those connections. I could choose to keep them all at the level of friendship without any physical involvement and live in a mono relationship. I'd survive and probably be happy enough. But luckily I know myself well enough that when MC and I started dating, I said upfront that he needed to be able to accept and support my flirtations and FWB's or our relationship was not going to work. So I don't have to make that choice to be strictly mono.

However, I didn't really CHOOSE poly either. It just sort of happened. TGIB was a FWB who became something more. I was lucky that, though we hadn't expressly discussed it previously, MC was not threatened by me developing a more serious relationship with TGIB. I suppose I could have been considered open to poly, since I'm not a fan of forcing relationships to fit predetermined definitions, but I kind of feel like poly chose ME, rather than the other way around. I was never LOOKING for another serious LTR besides the one I have with my husband, so I can hardly say it was a lifestyle choice in my case. It's a choice NOW, so MC and I can have this amazing person in our lives permanently, but even now that I know so much more about poly and the different ways it can work, I don't think of myself as "practicing polyamory". The three of us just figure out what works for us and call it good. (I also no longer have much interest in flirtations or FWB's. I'm polysaturated with my two guys, thankyouverymuch! )

[Pretzels]

^^^^That sounds damn healthy to me.

We did a ton of talking about this, that and everything when we were starting. It provided a really good path as we stepped off the map. Now, we're back to just living and being ourselves and enjoying our lives together. I'd consider myself polysaturated, too. I might steal that....