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  #11  
Old 11-20-2009, 11:37 PM
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There is a really good link on the "Stories and Blogs" forum. Mono read it yesterday. Go to that too! Well, really everyone would benefit. I found her voice to be similar to mine. Scared the heck out of Mono. He really is mono
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  #12  
Old 11-21-2009, 12:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
Well, the relationship she entered into with you and agreed to was a monogamous one. You may have changed your mind and may not be happy with monogamy any more but that doesn't make it unfair that she may not change her mind. It may be unfortunate, but it certainly isn't unfair. What is more unfair is putting your wife between a rock and a hard place by forcing her to choose between having a marriage with you and opening up that marriage.

It could very well be that as she learns more and gets used to the idea, she may be ok with it. But it won't be unfair to you if she isn't. To think so is rather selfish from my point of view. Redpepper put it best: It's her journey and you should honor that.
What she said...almost as if she plucked it out of my head
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  #13  
Old 11-21-2009, 12:18 AM
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What she said...almost as if she plucked it out of my head
Now *that* is scary!
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  #14  
Old 11-21-2009, 12:23 AM
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Now *that* is scary!
When the sun sets I'll see if the moon is blue too!!
HAHA!!
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  #15  
Old 11-21-2009, 01:40 AM
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If you are mono, from what I get from Mono, you are in love with someone, committed to that and when feelings arise for others it means that those same feelings have died out for your partner. .
This is a great description of how I work, Lilo
You are absolutely right. That is one of the reasons I didn't even entertain the idea of "trying" poly. Every new beginning is the end of another for me.

It's important to remember that there is an imprint left behind even after the intimate connection has been broken. I still love my ex wife but it is a different love; a type of love I can have for multiple people just like that for family members. That's why the "you can love more than one child" argument holds no water with most monos; it is a far different love. My immediate reaction was "I can't believe you just compared the nurturing love of a parent to the kind of love that includes fucking".

You'll notice I did not even attempt to describe how I think poly people work..because I simply don't and won't try to fake understanding...I simply love someone who I know can love many

Careful using monkeys and children in your explanation LOL!!

Stick to what you feel inside..be honest, don't try to frame it to suit what you think she wants to hear. Start honest or any trip down this path will be a lot tougher.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 11-21-2009 at 01:49 AM.
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  #16  
Old 11-21-2009, 02:59 AM
thirtysilver thirtysilver is offline
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Thanks, everyone!
What you've said has been both helpful and challenging. But that isn't an indictment! I know that I am facing a challenge. I have read and am in the process of continuing to read everything that you have suggested. My wife has agreed to read these pieces as well.
I'm not going to force her into anything. At this point, I am no closer to being certain about anything. But I do feel that I am at least making my way forward now.
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  #17  
Old 11-21-2009, 04:10 PM
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Default Scary stuff eh ?

Hi 30,

Yeow !!!!! Big log in da road - eh ?
Although I do feel that there's some awareness to be gained by brushing up on the "wired" topic I've already seen voiced here, that may be a topic in and of itself.
One thing we haven't seen here yet in the thread, that I'm sure most everyone here is also real aware of, that's REALLY important is what I've seen referred to as "NRE" - New Relationship Experience (anyone correct me if I'm wrong on terminology here please)
One of the biggest decisions we have to come to in these situations is getting a firm grip on what might be called Love vs Infatuation (physical, emotional or otherwise).
Because see here's the thing................
It's about "connection". I'm convinced there's something in that "wiring" the drives us toward "connecting" with the world around us. And there's people in that world ! Yikes ! More than one "people" ! Double Yikes !
That feeling of "connection", and it's VERY real, may be the most important thing in our lives. (ok - some may debate that statement but it's mine) Not the place to go into a long diatribe about why I feel that way. The important point being is that WE have to dig deep to figure out what that connection REALLY is all about. The answer to that is all important - but the answer doesn't matter.
That sound really complicated eh !
But it's not, and the discovery you make will lead you to to the best path. But in the early phases I think many would agree that it's running on a level of "infatuation". Only later, after some serious digging, will you better understand where that "connection" lies, AND it may or may not be on a level that should ever manifest itself physically. A physical connection is not a requirement for a connection to be real and of value to all involved.
Does that make sense ?
I believe that everyone that even chooses to view themselves as "mono" (and I hate labels) has, or should have, wonderful and deep connections to the world around them and that includes people !
So our suggestion would be to start by trying to discover what that NEW connections is. REALLY is ?

Hope this helps.

GS
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  #18  
Old 11-21-2009, 04:36 PM
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I would be careful to be aware of Poly NRE.... infatuation and excitement for Poly that blurs ones vision when it comes to other relationship styles. It's important to remember, I think, that when one has found something exciting and new to keep it in perspective and remember that there is a lot to learn and that NRE for it makes one a bit crazy.

There are many threads on here that address NRE actually, we have talked about it often in many threads where it has seemed to fit what is going on for a person.... do some reading and researching and you shall see.
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  #19  
Old 11-21-2009, 04:43 PM
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NRE stands for New Relationship Energy. And I don't see this in play yet because the OP has stated that he has not told the person in question how he feels and doesn't feel that he knows her very well in real life yet. What the OP is experiencing is limerance- that ga ga feeling somebody gets with a new crush. If that crush developed into a relationship then talking about NRE would apply.
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  #20  
Old 11-21-2009, 06:01 PM
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Good point Ceoli. I had forgotten that "new to me" word.
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Last edited by redpepper; 11-21-2009 at 09:26 PM.
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