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  #21  
Old 12-08-2011, 06:12 PM
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Senga Senga is offline
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I've heard (& partially experienced) that changes in sexual preference can occur throughout a person's lifetime... In my opinion a wonderful benefit of polyamorous style relationships is that there is room to discuss this natural occurance, analyze it & possibly use the flexibility of the relationship to accomodate it, IF that is okay with everyone involved. I used to be straight, then started becomming attracted to women emotionally and sexually. I have experienced fluxuations in my libido and interest in men & women at different times. I feel this could be natural, the main thing is to talk about it without pointing fingers. Perhaps there are things that could be done that could fix some issues within the dyad relationship, fair enough... Just adding another idea to consider, I'm sure what everyone has brought up are also valid points...
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  #22  
Old 12-12-2011, 10:32 PM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Thanks for your responses. I think no matter what happens this is going to be excruciatingly hard... Last week he was being very affectionate with me so I was just going with it because I love seeing him happy and today he tells me that meant a lot to him because he's been worried I am not attracted to him anymore and it's hurting his self esteem etc. So now here we finally are. I feel so weak and scared... I'm so sad.
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  #23  
Old 12-13-2011, 03:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hellokitty View Post
Last week he was being very affectionate with me so I was just going with it because I love seeing him happy and today he tells me that meant a lot to him because he's been worried I am not attracted to him anymore ... I feel so weak and scared... I'm so sad.
Can't you see how "just going with it" instead of being honest is NOT the loving thing to do, for both yourself and him? You're being cruel by not coming clean, really. Geez, get it over with and you won't feel so burdened. You are making talking about the truth of a situation more scary than it has to be, but you're only protecting yourself by not telling him, you're not doing him any favors. If you really love him, you shouldn't be manipulating him like this. Time to grow up and get real, hon!
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  #24  
Old 12-13-2011, 03:59 AM
hellokitty hellokitty is offline
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Um, yes, obviously. I prefer to think before I speak, no need to be mean about it. That happened last week, before I started posting here again. Then today he happened to bring that up and that's what I meant in my last post by "here we are." As in, it's happening, the conversation I've been so nervous about.
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  #25  
Old 12-13-2011, 01:51 PM
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Um, yes, obviously. I prefer to think before I speak, no need to be mean about it. That happened last week, before I started posting here again. Then today he happened to bring that up and that's what I meant in my last post by "here we are." As in, it's happening, the conversation I've been so nervous about.
I wasn't being mean, I was giving you a nudge. It didn't come across in writing as well as it sounded in my head, lol. I had hoped calling you "hon" there at the end would have conveyed my "tough love" tone. Sorry about that. But really, good for you both that the talk is happening. Be strong and keep us posted.
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  #26  
Old 02-14-2012, 08:45 PM
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trescool trescool is offline
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OK, first, as a bisexual, can I say I get it?

I respect other people saying this is NRE, but actually, I think something deeper is going on and I get it. What I'm hearing is that confusing dichotomy which is bisexuality. You love him, but you don't feel sexually for him. How can this possibly be, you wonder? You used to feel sexually for him, after all! Ahh, but we humans are complicated creatures, especially, us bisexuals!

Neuroscience shows us that we can connect romantically with people on in fact THREE different biological levels :
1. sexually
2. Emotionally
3. As a DEVOTION of compromise, a life lived together, commitment... that takes work, energy, and doesn't always feel good.

So, a man may say he is "straight" because he is emotionally, sexually, and devotedly attracted to women, but still want to have sex with men.

As bisexuals, we are capable of being attracted to one sex on one or more of these levels, and attracted to the other sex on one or more of the other levels AT THE SAME TIME.

AND (here it gets worse) those feelings of how you're attracted to a sex can change over time Right now, it sounds like you feel (2) and (3) for your boyfriend, who is a man. You feel (1) (2) and (3) for you female girlfriend. It makes you wonder, am I bi or gay? Answer: who knows? You feel (2) and (3) for a man right now, but that might change in the future! It's the curse and the blessing of being bisexual.

Sometimes -- please forgive me, oh Gods and devotees of bisexuality-- I hate being bisexual. It's sooo frikking ridiculously hard sometimes! I long for the clarity of being "just gay"; not interested in men whatsoever.

I found myself over the Christmas holidays looking at photos of lesbian marriages on the internet. I found myself dreaming of holding the hand of my most beautiful bride, walking down the aisle with her. I have ALWAYS wanted to marry a woman, so very, very deeply. And sometimes I feel so isolated, so scared, so down that I'm in a relationship with a man, because I wonder; where is my beautiful bride, the woman I've always wanted to marry, to love, to cherish and share a life with?

Yet I too am in a relationship with a man that I love so very deeply. Trying to imagine a life without him is heartbreaking. We've been through so much together. And we are raising a beautiful girl together.

Last night I called my boyfriend (we don't live together, which helps me a lot keep my balance between my need to be with a woman and my deep appreciation, deep love and deep satisfaction with my boyfriend) and I told him how hard this poly thing is for me sometimes. We just chatted for an hour about how isolated I feel sometimes as bisexual, how socially scorned I feel as a Lesbian who other Lesbians just don't want to have anything to do with because I'm with a guy. And we talked about how afraid I am that I'll never have the social recognition I need that in fact I'm deeply love women as well as him, even if I found a woman to date seriously. Having that REAL, HONEST, DEEP conversation that as much as I love him with all my heart, being in a poly relationship is NOT easy for me made my day so much better.

We also explore different ways of being sexual with one another. I have chronic pain, so sometimes I just don't want that passionate, intense sex with my boyfriend. We explore the realms of sensuality, gentleness, touch in ways that are not as "passionate" as they used to be. Sensuality activates different hormones and different emotional reactions than hot sex does, but I still feel it's deeply meaningful for me. I don't know how you would feel about exploring what does feel good for you with your boyfriend. If you genuinely don't feel like passionate love with him-- why not try embodying somethign that you DO feel good with him? Explore what feels RIGHT to you to express the kind of love you feel for him in a physical sense.

Another practice that helps with my boyfriend and I is that we also have conversations that scare me! lol. We talk about possibilities that I'd never even imagined when I first met him. We discuss the possibilities of me being in a primary relationship with another woman and a secondary relationship with him. As strange as those conversations are, having the courage to really feel out with him what makes sense for us helps our relationship to grow more deeply and for me to feel satisfied that I can trust my needs really are going to be met in our relationship.

Hope that helps!
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