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Old 11-20-2009, 05:08 PM
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ramfish ramfish is offline
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Things have been going pretty well, but I've been so busy I haven't really had much time to reflect.

Last night J-kun took me to a campus jazz/dance event they hold once a month. I got all dressed up nice and we danced as much as we could. The music left a lot to be desired...but we had a lot of fun. People wondered where my husband was, which is easily explained as he works at 6am...so going out during the week is not a good idea.

J-kun and I are getting quite close. He considers us to be very good friends and while I agree with him, I do hope for something a little more long term in the future. My husband and I have talked about it a few times...that it might be nice to have someone in our lives long-term. But that entirely depends on how J-kun feels.

I get the sense that he sees himself mono with someone someday, but isn't very optimistic about ever achieving that. I know he enjoys spending time with me, but (excuse the language) he is unable to see past the idea that he and I can only be friends who fuck. I have told him that poly is about love, but either he doesn't understand that it means, yes, you can love me, or it's just not something he will be capable of. It saddens me, because I think that he could be capable of something like this, but it's not something I can force him to do. I can't cram it down his throat because I want him to understand, because that feels a little bit like treating him like a child.

Some changes have come up as well. For one thing, he and A-san are done. It's nice to have that resolved. He has started spending time with another girl and he was telling me yesterday how they had some fun a few days ago. Two things about that conversation: first he didn't understand why I would be a little jealous and second he confided in me that I was the only person he could talk to about these kinds of endeavors. Per that latter, this is fine. I like being someone he can talk to. As to the jealousy, I think I was jealous because I haven't really gotten to spend much time with him this past week and I've been missing him, so hearing about him going out with someone else makes me jealous because I've been wanting to see him for more than a few hours on campus, but busy schedules have not permitted it.

He reassured me that I wasn't being replaced. It might sound like an unnecessary thing for him to have to say, but I did need to hear it. I get very neurotic sometimes, it's a byproduct of my emotional disorder (even if it's well under control doesn't mean it never comes up to bite me in the ass). He knows I worry a lot and that I don't want to loose him, so it was good of him to speak his mind about it and reiterate what he feels about how he and I function, how he feels about me, etc, so that I don't have to get trapped inside my head.

So another big change is my husband may start seeing someone, which has never happened with us before. He is going to be hanging out with a girl he knows from work, and I will be meeting her tomorrow. She wanted to meet me before she felt comfortable being alone with my husband, as she has been a secondary before. I will have to talk about how this affects me as well, since even though I have wanted my husband to get to experience this for himself, I can't guarantee I will be a perfect poly wife the first time he spends a night with another woman.

Thankfully, when I mentioned it to J-kun, he said he wasn't sure if he would be available to keep me company while my hubby is on his 'date' but he said I could give him a call if I needed to talk.

So, complications and worries aside, things are pretty good. Nothing worth having is easy.
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dating, fear, marriage, nre, vee

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