Originally Posted by polymusing
Hi. I've poked around these forums a bit, but so far haven't come across anything that really relates to my situation. Am hoping for some help navigating this new territory. Plus, I don't know anyone in my life (other than those involved) to discuss any of this with. I know that talking with others helps me understand myself better. So that's why I'm here.
I've been married a long time (almost 30 years), have 3 kids (two are now adults, the other is in last years of high school), and my husband and I have a wonderful relationship. We have had some rocky times in the past. But the past few years have been really good. I'm familiar with the idea of polyamory from way back, but just as a concept. Now find myself facing it in fact.
A man that I've known longer than my husband (and loved) is now back in my life, and we love each other (we've figured out that much). My husband is aware of my feelings for this man. But he tends to be somewhat closed with expressing his feelings and thoughts and due to our history (way too long to go into here right now), it's hard for us to get to a place of ease talking to each other. The man (I'm going to have to think of something to call him) is just figuring all this out too.
We don't want to have an old-fashioned "affair." I have no desire to leave my husband for this man (one of my husband's fears). Right now he is allowing us to see each other (there has been no sex). But I'm having a very hard time bringing myself to talk to my husband about all this because I am very afraid that he'll realize he cannot share me. And then I would have to stop seeing my other love. I want to be open and honest, but the fear of losing what I already have (a wonderful marriage) in order to maybe realize something more - when that something more is not ... socially accepted (in most circles) - well, it's keeping me quiet.
I don't know how to navigate this. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I want my husband to understand that my love of this man does not mean I love him any less. I'm not proposing we all move in together as a big ole happy family (jobs preclude that). This man is also married but is separated from his wife as they navigate their own poly explorations. It's all very complicated and I'm sure I've not been very clear.
As I post more I hope to be able to form my thoughts better.
wow thank you so much for sharing this.
I have a very similar situation, although my husband is pretty open minded considering he is not necessarily Poly. I have not been married as long, only 3 years, but my husband is the love of my life.
HOWEVER a man that I new and loved before my husband and felt very spiritually connected to is back in my life.
I do not have to explain much from there, as your opening post explains pretty much exactly what our situation is.
Hubby is quasi uncomfortable because he figured my Poly would be for another female not a man, but has LOVINGLY accepted my connection to my now bf.
We evolved into bf/gf within the marriage because my bf understands that one day, he will find a woman and will marry her and for HIS perspective, they will be mono.
But I can not tell u how nice it is to know there is someone else out there with a similar situation. we do not want an affair either, and it has taken alot of paitenence and understanding from my husband to accept my bf and that our relationship effects the marriage as well. (ie whenever my bf and i have a tissy, it can drag into the marriage if not careful)
my bf and I are not sexual, as there are rules and guidelines within our marriage we have established to help defin eachother's understanding of the situation.
for example, if the time ever comes that we want to be sexual, its a one time deal and i have to let me hubby know that i feel that way.
otherwise, we can cuddle, hang and chat and out of respect for my husband, I keep other rules of my own so I dont hurt either of them.
but my husband understands that in the end, he is the other half of my soul, and that he is the one i will ALWAYS be with, not matter what relationships dissolve along the path of life.
I reassure him of this by doing little things ALL the time that make him feel special, loved and secure.
That is the key to a healthy marriage in this situation.
The main thing is that your hubby know he is important to you above all else if that is truly how u feel