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Old 11-20-2009, 11:18 AM
thirtysilver thirtysilver is offline
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 9
Default Losing Faith in Mongamy?

Hellow, all! I have never been in a polyamorous relationship. I have been reading and thinking a lot about it. I am posting here because I need advice. My story follows.

I am married. Recently, I realized that I have romantic feelings for another girl (we'll call her R). I try to push them away when I talk to this other girl, and sometimes I am successful, but sometimes they come back with a vengeance! My wife knows about these feelings. How can I say that the way I feel about this girl is wrong and that I should push it away? Why is it wrong? It wasn't wrong to feel this way when I met my wife and I felt the same way about her! Is it only wrong to be attracted to this girl because I'm currently attached? If so, where does the rule come from that a person should not have romantic feelings for more than one person at a time, and that if one does, then one must kill the feelings one has for either of those people? I feel like I'm not good at being monogamous.
I have not told R how I feel and I have no reason to believe that she feels the same way. My wife and I have been married for 1 year, but we have been together for 9 years. I honestly don't know R well IRL, but I do talk to her OL quite a bit and I know that she and I really have a lot in common. Honestly we have more in common than my wife and I do - although my wife loves me and likes a lot of the same things I like. I still love my wife. I never want to hurt her!! And I desperately want to be a good man and make monogamy work. I'm just not sure about anything. I'm not sure about how I feel about R, whether or not my feelings for her are real or simply generated by the appeal of mystery/newness, and whether or not how I feel about her is wrong. I could never leave my wife. I think I might want both of them. But do I? I don't know! I'm clinically depressed. Is that causing this? Is my attraction to R an illusion? Is it a genuine feeling that I should take seriously - either by suffocating it or by indulging it - or is it just 'puppy love', so to speak? I am unsure. That's what is the hardest for me.

I am a man in need of support and understanding. I don't know what to do with the feelings I am having. I have wondered whether or not I might be 'addicted to affection' - so to speak.

Thank you much for reading this and for offering me support.

Last edited by thirtysilver; 11-20-2009 at 11:19 AM. Reason: correcting spelling
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