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  #1  
Old 02-13-2012, 08:25 PM
openornot openornot is offline
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Default Am I in a Poly Relationship?

I am happily married. My husband and I have been together for 12 years. I just confirmed that my husband is still seeing a woman who he has been seeing off and on for 14 years. He denies their relationship. I am not concerned about him continuing to see her. She clearly gives him something he needs, and he clearly wants to be with me also. So, for all of you experiences poly couples...

Should I confront him and tell him that he needs to be honest about the status of our relationship OR

Should I keep my mouth shut and just know that we are in a poly relationship.

I don't mind the poly part but the lying part is really grating on my nerves. There is no reason he shouldn't trust me. This is not the first time we have participated in alternative lifestyles.

Any advice?
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Old 02-13-2012, 08:34 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Originally Posted by openornot View Post
I don't mind the poly part but the lying part is really grating on my nerves. There is no reason he shouldn't trust me. This is not the first time we have participated in alternative lifestyles.

Any advice?
If it's grating on your nerves, then you obviously need to say something.

How do you KNOW that he is still seeing her? Why would he lie to you about this if you've been engaged in other activities before? Is it possible that even if he is spending time with her that it isn't romantic but a friendship?

I think if you really are completely fine with it, it can't hurt to have another conversation with your husband about it. Make it clear that while you don't/wouldn't mind him having another relationship, it is NOT okay to lie or to hide things (unless you specifically want a DADT type situation). Before telling him he can do whatever he wants, though, make sure you've thought it through and can tell him about anything that could/would make you uncomfortable and let him know any boundaries you have.

Good luck!
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  #3  
Old 02-13-2012, 08:39 PM
openornot openornot is offline
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I saw a text message from her about making Valentine's day plans. Our history with her pre-dates the maturity and security to engage in any extraciricular activities; so I assume he thinks she would be a sore spot.
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  #4  
Old 02-13-2012, 09:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openornot View Post
Should I confront him and tell him that he needs to be honest about the status of our relationship OR

Should I keep my mouth shut and just know that we are in a poly relationship.

I don't mind the poly part but the lying part is really grating on my nerves.
Well, it isn't really poly if it's not out in the open and consensual. Are you absolutely certain he is cheating on you with her?

If so, it might be that he thinks the thrill will be gone if you acknowledge and accept it. A lot of cheaters get off on the idea of sneaking around and almost getting caught -- but being honest about it can be a buzzkill because it takes away the excitement that comes with doing something bad and getting away with it.

If it is really something you can live with and you don't want the lying, I would tell him. I would also ask yourself if you would like an additional partner of your own. Maybe you can both have poly relationships.

What you wrote in your OP is a valid way to start the conversation: "I know about you and ___ and I understand that she clearly gives you something you need. And I know that you also want to be with me. I've thought about it and want you to know that I can accept being polyamorous but the lying is really grating on my nerves. I would rather we acknowledge that she has a place in your life and always be honest with each other instead of sneaking around. There is no reason you shouldn't trust me."

And then I would give him time to respond before adding if you also want to be free to pursue other relationships. If he rebuts by saying you are wrong about this woman, then I would tell him what you know about it.

What's the worst that can happen by being honest? You will open up an important dialogue. It sounds like your marriage is strong enough to handle it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-13-2012 at 09:43 PM.
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  #5  
Old 02-13-2012, 09:42 PM
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Lying is not part of poly. If he's cheating then it isn't poly. If you want it to be then he will need to be honest, communicate openly, and you will need concent. That's my belief anyway.

What do you get out of this? Are you interested in others? I think I would add that to your convo that even if there is no one in mind for you right now, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. It might mean that you go about doing other things in life, not just getting another partner, the point is that it be and even deal in whatever way works for you both.
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Old 02-13-2012, 10:35 PM
bookbug bookbug is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Lying is not part of poly. If he's cheating then it isn't poly. If you want it to be then he will need to be honest, communicate openly, and you will need concent. That's my belief anyway.

What do you get out of this? Are you interested in others? I think I would add that to your convo that even if there is no one in mind for you right now, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. It might mean that you go about doing other things in life, not just getting another partner, the point is that it be and even deal in whatever way works for you both.
While as the OP said, her husband may just be afraid she would be upset, and so does not want to 'fess up. But the whole "if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander" idea seems to be a sticky point for many people. They want to have extracurricular sex, but does not want their partner to do the same thing. Crazy, huh?
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Old 02-14-2012, 07:51 AM
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While as the OP said, her husband may just be afraid she would be upset, and so does not want to 'fess up.
Still cheating. Isn't cheating based on not wanting to fess up? Its thought of as an easy, secretive way of getting ones needs met and not "hurting" ones partner. Bullshit if you ask me. Its the most painful experience I think most people ever go through... all because the person doing it is a coward.

That being said, I think that the OP is a very strong person to be willing to put up with this mans bullshit. I wouldn't. If this has gone on for so long it might just be that its just pathetic now and really be a matter of saying, "come on you idiot, I am not stupid, I can see you are still fucking so and so." I think it almost more hurtful that he is such a coward and idiot.

Sorry openornot, I realize you love this man. We are obviously coming at this from a totally different perspective. I would not have the patience to be with a man of such low understanding of communication and integrity for himself and our relationship. Its just me. I would find it such a turn off I likely would not be willing to stick around. I wish you the best in this one. You are a stronger woman than I for allowing this go on for so long and sticking up for a man that just seems so utterly clueless.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bookbug View Post
But the whole "if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander" idea seems to be a sticky point for many people. They want to have extracurricular sex, but does not want their partner to do the same thing. Crazy, huh?
They don't think so. Why should their partner get to do what they do? They should be at home waiting for them. Taking the scrapes of love and sex that are left... sad, really sad. The hypocrisy is blindingly obvious and intolerable to me sometimes, lol.
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  #8  
Old 02-15-2012, 02:18 PM
openornot openornot is offline
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We talked last night and I told him I was open to him bringing someone else into his life. He swore he was not having a sexual relationship with anyone, and that he did not want to open the relationship because he was worried about him being jealous of my other partners. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I had seen the text messages, but I do feel like we made progress.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I think I'm going to watch for other signs and confront him when it seems logical. Afterall, it's not like I want anything to change other than the hiding.
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Old 02-15-2012, 06:40 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openornot View Post
We talked last night and I told him I was open to him bringing someone else into his life. He swore he was not having a sexual relationship with anyone, and that he did not want to open the relationship because he was worried about him being jealous of my other partners. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I had seen the text messages, but I do feel like we made progress.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. I think I'm going to watch for other signs and confront him when it seems logical. Afterall, it's not like I want anything to change other than the hiding.
I'm not seeing the progress. He's still denying a relationship he is having. Not just denying, but blatantly LYING to you. You've now given him two chances to come clean and be open about it and he has refused. I don't accept lying in my relationships. Ever. My husband made the mistake of flat out lying about a gift he'd bought me one time, and it still bugs me. Unless it is a clever twist on words or something like that to hide a surprise (a good one), I believe lying is wrong, especially in a relationship where good communication is key.

Sure, I guess you got the reason that he doesn't want to have a fully open relationship (because he doesn't want YOU to have the option to be with others), but other than that what have you gained from this discussion?

Also, why couldn't you admit to seeing the texts? Not trying to be harsh, but this puts YOU in the lying category too.

Once again, I'm not trying to be harsh, but I just don't think either of you are handling the situation very well. Granted, I have been pretty blessed with a great line of communication with my one lasting, long-term, deeply committed relationship.
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  #10  
Old 02-16-2012, 12:14 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by openornot View Post
We talked last night and I told him I was open to him bringing someone else into his life. He swore he was not having a sexual relationship with anyone, and that he did not want to open the relationship because he was worried about him being jealous of my other partners. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I had seen the text messages, but I do feel like we made progress.
You need to tell him. You have assumed that a text message about getting together on Valentine's Day means he is fucking someone else. Maybe he is not, and maybe they are just friends, but maybe he is fucking her and lying to you. But you need to know. Your health is at stake. If he is screwing around you need to know whether or not he uses condoms and if you need to get tested for STDs. Come on now, this is serious. Wake up, take charge.
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