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  #21  
Old 02-13-2012, 07:23 PM
Hunter85 Hunter85 is offline
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Indeed
Don't get me wrong, the whole ordeal has been enlightening and if anything I'm glad I can at least take away some knowledge and experience from it all. There've been negative and positive side effects (which is to be expected) so all I can really say is "I'll know better next time" now that I've discovered so much (polyamory amongst other things) I'll endeavor to be more cautious in future.

The basic idea of this thread was to hear the opinions of more experienced polyamorists and it's served well for which I am grateful for .
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  #22  
Old 02-13-2012, 08:50 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by Hunter85 View Post
When we hooked up I assumed she knew what she was doing so I didn't bother to ask "Are you seeing anyone?" because I would've expected a response like "Would I be hooking up with you if I were?"
You know, many people do not date exclusively and yet have never heard the word "polyamory." So, it's not necessarily that you should ask someone "if they are poly" right away, but it certainly makes sense to ask if they are seeing or dating anyone else. And that is an appropriate first-date question. And lots of monogamous people will date non-exclusively for quite some time until they feel ready for a commitment with one person.

What catches me in your posts is how you believe you two got "serious" in a few weeks, and by serious you mean that you hung out together frequently, met her close friends, talked about meeting her family, and she posted messages about you, and even cried on your shoulder -- which all seemed too involved for you to consider casual. However, that all could still be considered part of a "casual"/FWB relationship for many (the operative part of "Friend with Benefits" being "Friend" and people like to be close with their friends). To me, it seems that because of your relative inexperience, you just thought it was much more serious than it was very early on and she did not. Two months of dating is really no time at all. Wondering: How old are the two of you? Is she much older than you?

You say you told her that you wanted "a serious, if brief, relationship" with her and she said she'd think about it, but she was also getting ready to move overseas, so you two never really sat down to discuss in depth what she wanted or expected. I really don't think anyone was at fault here, but it does sound like the combination of her being preoccupied with her move and not wanting to get into a deep discussion combined with you making assumptions just collided and resulted in some disappointment on your part.

So, next time you know to speak up for yourself and what you want, and ask questions, to know if you're on the same page with someone. Time to dust yourself off and move on.
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Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me. ~Bryan Ferry
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-13-2012 at 08:53 PM.
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