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Old 02-13-2012, 05:33 AM
jakester jakester is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Default Is this for me?

I've been in a monogamous marriage for 8 years now, which looks like it's coming to a painful end.

My 'wife' has suggested that perhaps polyamory could be a solution to what 'ails' us.

I'll try to be brief, sorry if I do get into a ramble here.


A Bit Of History

Our marriage has always been difficult, but of course there were some great time and deep love. She has been one to get drunk and do really crazy things and often mean things (tends to be an angry drunk), which was always heart wrenching to me. Still, I'm an artist and not prone to being completely 'grounded' myself. We both have our issues.

Monogamous relationships always left me feeling trapt. It just never felt natural to only be with one person. I always felt that way until I fell in love with my current wife (actually my first love). I went through a period where I wasn't sexually attracted to other women for the first time in my life.

Then one night we got into a fight, I took the engagement ring off her finger and she went out and had sex with someone that night. It left me heartbroken and devastated.

I had always felt that someone cheating on me was about the worst thing that could happen, and although I never felt comfortable in monogamous relationships, I had never cheated on a girlfriend.

After a lot of pain I took her back. But, after this, I was back to feeling attracted to other women again.

We have had 2 children, one is 1 and one is 5. Sometimes it seemed we had a strong marriage, sometimes falling apart. We both have some pretty flawed things going on between us regarding how much we can support each others goals. So there are issues there of the fabric, still, we both have feelings for each other and I am still haunted by the thought that this is all wrong, that despite all the flaws, we are suppose to be together.

Also, in the past 2 years we went from being financially prosperous to bankrupt. It's been very hard and our already semi-strong marriage broke in two.



We have been apart for about 5 months now, still married, but not living together. I am in another city to fix finances.

She called me yesterday and told me she had sex with another guy just to stop hurting from the break up, but that she didn't enjoy it and only wanted to be with me.

Then she sends me an email saying she'd be open with a poly, which she had suggested before because she knows i have a problem with monogomy. I refused because of jealously issues. Yea, I have no problem with me 'going out', but I do with her. Pretty hypocritical huh?

And, I haven't been faithful to her. In fact, she had even said at one point that it would be ok if I had relationships with other women. She's very open like this. She could also be open to a 3 way marraige and has said so - she can get into other women. Later she clarified to say she would only be open to me having other relations if she could too. We've been stuck there.


Poly or No Poly???

I tend to feel very jealous at this thought. When I think about why, it seems to go to a deep seeded 'must protect the space' kind of feeling. It is my feeling as a man to 'protect family, protect everyone's space', which has got to be natural. So, when there is another guy in the picture I feel that the space that I am suppose to protect is invaded. I feel less of a man.

On the other hand, I also clearly see and feel the viewpoint 'why limit love'. If there is love and happiness to be had, why in the world would that be a bad thing? People should be able to have all they can...life is short. She has an ability to not be jealous and has said 'whatever makes you happy' when it comes to this. I'm kinda envious of her openness!

And, although I do feel jealousy, some small part is actually turned on by the whole idea...but then I retract because of the instintual reaction.

The only negative thing I can see with poly is the issue of pregnancy. What happens if someone gets pregnant? What happens if someone doesn't take responsibility for that? The other people are left with all the responsibilty while this 'other person' might not ever show up to give to the situation what is their part.

Part of me doesn't want to be in the relationship because she can get pretty vindicitve, mean and stifling when she is angry or drinking. The anger, as she states, comes from me feeling 'distant'. I feel distant because of the monogomy issue and because I don't feel quite safe opening up to her. So we have a catch 22 there. She's crazy because I'm distant, but I'm distant because she's crazy...oh man.

Part of me still loves her and absolutely wants to be with my kids. I am considering poly as a resolution here. If I could do this and not feel such jealousy, or 'less of a man', then it would probably work out. Is the solution for me to work through jealousy issues and have a poly relationship? Or, just move on because I have been pretty hurt by this person...and actually don't know if this is a real solution.

Has anyone out there been in this kind of a situation? Is the whole problem is that monogomy is unnatural to begin with?
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