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  #11  
Old 02-05-2012, 06:34 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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When Dark Wendigo and I first began seeing each other, it had been years since he and Pretty Lady had intercourse. A few months into our relationship, Pretty Lady thanked me for taking care of his needs in a way she couldn't and was surprised to find that she was starting to be interested in sex again. It was a bumpy road and eventually life conspired to put them in a housing situation that allows them no privacy for physical intimacy, but I know that it was healing for them both to reconnect in that way, even for a short while and I was definitely given a gift when she extended that connection to me.
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  #12  
Old 02-06-2012, 05:33 PM
PolyInFL PolyInFL is offline
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First, thanks for all of the supportive comments. I feel like I have been a little whiny, but thanks for not pointing that out!

I am trying to show myself some compassion on this issue instead of my typical "suck it up Mandie" attitude. I am so tired of feeling bad for having needs. I realized that it has been (gulp) over a year since we had intercourse. No wonder I am feeling frustrated. Sex isn't everything, but I do feel that it is part of a healthy life and relationship. If I wanted to be celibate I would have become a nun.

Comical aside, I have to tell you that I am close to making a fool of myself with my neighbor. The situation would be funny if it weren't so pathetic. He and I were talking about some software that he is programming for my retail business and I was having trouble concentrating on the conversation because my mind kept wandering to carnal thoughts. Good grief, I sound like a pubescent girl!
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  #13  
Old 02-07-2012, 07:35 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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You dont sound whiny, and sex and hormones are not just for teenagers! Good grief, I'm 56 and have one of the highest libidos in this greater Boston metropolis.

Thank god, so does my newest lover (he's 59), because I was wearing my gf out. She's more horny now that the pressure is off, just sayin.
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  #14  
Old 02-10-2012, 02:38 AM
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It's quite possible that if you get another male partner who is really hot for you and you start enjoying sex again, your primary partner may suddenly become interested. Things work like that sometimes!
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  #15  
Old 02-10-2012, 03:58 AM
NewCrobuzon NewCrobuzon is offline
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I'd say there are two separate issues going on here.

1. I'm not sure polyamory is really what you need in this situation. To be a bit blunt, you need a good dicking. : P You're focusing on this hot neighbor because he seems accessible, but if your husband gave you to the go-ahead to explore your options a bit, you could go on OKCupid or something like it and find a guy with a vigorous sex style on about 10 seconds flat. This doesn't mean you need to find an extra boyfriend or fall in love with this other person; sex alone should be enough.

2. Even if you manage to sort out the sexual issues in your relationship (either by getting your husband's libido up or finding others to bone), you may still wish to work on the root causes of the ED. While it's great to get sex to avoid overeating, it would still be nice if you weren't at all at risk of plunging back into the spiral should your sex life take a dip.
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  #16  
Old 02-10-2012, 04:02 AM
RunicWolf RunicWolf is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyInFL View Post
So I fess up to my DH "Honey, I miss sex" and the product of that conversation is basically that because he is working so much, fighting depression and stressed out all the time, he really isn't ever in the mood. I am to understand (says he) that it has nothing to do with me and not that he does not find me attractive anymore, he just is not interested in sex.
This was me a while back. I went through a long period where I just didn't want sex. I was stressed because of things inside and out. Work was sucking, I took a series of blows to my self-esteem, and money all conspired to keep me stressed. My reaction to stress is to pull back from people because I don't want to hurt anyone. Sadly BrigidsDaughter's reaction to stress is the exact opposite. Thankfully when she stated seeing Wendigo it took the pressure of her needing sex so much off of me, taking a little more off my plate and letting me focus on other areas, which helped me sort through them and now I've made a come back swinging, as it where.

And as for the eating, I understand that too. I have a few pressure release valves for stress (my hobbies, mostly). When they are unavailable to me for various reasons I start snacking. I don't mean to do it, it just kind of happens. If I watch myself I can catch myself and fend off the urges, but it's an uphill battle for the most part.

I sympathize for you and hope you can get what you need without all the eating.
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  #17  
Old 02-10-2012, 08:03 AM
PolyInFL PolyInFL is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NewCrobuzon View Post
I'd say there are two separate issues going on here.

1. I'm not sure polyamory is really what you need in this situation. To be a bit blunt, you need a good dicking. : P You're focusing on this hot neighbor because he seems accessible, but if your husband gave you to the go-ahead to explore your options a bit, you could go on OKCupid or something like it and find a guy with a vigorous sex style on about 10 seconds flat. This doesn't mean you need to find an extra boyfriend or fall in love with this other person; sex alone should be enough.

2. Even if you manage to sort out the sexual issues in your relationship (either by getting your husband's libido up or finding others to bone), you may still wish to work on the root causes of the ED. While it's great to get sex to avoid overeating, it would still be nice if you weren't at all at risk of plunging back into the spiral should your sex life take a dip.
Wow. Okay, let me take these one at at time, with the easier one first. (#2). I guess I didn't really make it clear before, but I am in fact being treated for my eating disorder. It has been something I have battled for (wow) 20 years now and I'm sure it will always be there. Fortunately I have a great support system. I could give you all of the background and "root causes" but that would take a while. What is more important is where I am now with my recovery. I took a major step recently in recognizing that I was replacing sex with food.

Which brings me back to #1. I can't agree with you here, not for me and my situation. The semi-celibate lifestyle I have been dealing with did not happen overnight and a good lay is not going to correct it (however much fun it might be). I am not really interested in having sex with a stranger. Not because I have to be in love with someone to have sex with him/her, but because the building of sexual tension and arousal is something I enjoy almost as much as the act itself. Hell, if I am being honest I sometimes like the build up even more! The first few times I met our neighbor (the current object of my lust) I was not even attracted to him. As we got to know each other better my sexual interest developed and well, you know the situation now. It is true that I would not be quite so obsessed with these fantasies of him if I had a healthy sex life, but a quickie with the online flavor of the month would not change it. Please realize that I am only talking about me and my own situation - I am not judging how other people find their partners.

You are right about one thing - polyamory is not the solution to this problem. I say that because I don't consider being polyamorous a solution - it's just who we are. We (DH and I) are not polyamorous because we have a problem in our relationship to solve. In fact, if we did have a shaky relationship this would be a BAD idea. Fortunately, we are both comfortable with ourselves and our relationship.

I am kind of on a high right now because we had a heart to heart last night that reaffirmed our openness and our wish to see each other happy. As Idealist mentioned, I think my having a sexual outlet with another partner will actually help my DH. He has said that he finds my confidence extremely sexy. Well, as time has gone by, that confidence has eroded. If he sees me happier and more confident it may rekindle some of his own interest. Also, he is relieved at having some of the pressure off of him to "perform" as it were. Feeling pressured does nothing good for his libido. He would definitely relate to what Runicwolf said.

Even though my sexual situation has not changed yet, I already feel like a weight has been lifted because I know I am no longer ignoring my needs and DH is 100% in accord.
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  #18  
Old 02-10-2012, 04:24 PM
NewCrobuzon NewCrobuzon is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyInFL View Post
Which brings me back to #1. I can't agree with you here, not for me and my situation.
Alrighty, I guess I was mistakenly projecting a bit of my own situation onto yours; hence the confusion. I also find myself in a relationship getting less sex than I would like, and for me, sex with random other people would be quite satisfying. This may be one of the general differences between the sexes though.

Also, I'm glad to hear you're getting help IRL for the eating disorder. Sorry if I came off as flippant or harsh in my original message. I just wanted to make sure you weren't relying entirely on the internet for medical advice (which a lot of people have been prone to doing.)
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  #19  
Old 02-12-2012, 04:24 AM
PolyInFL PolyInFL is offline
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Originally Posted by NewCrobuzon View Post
Alrighty, I guess I was mistakenly projecting a bit of my own situation onto yours; hence the confusion. I also find myself in a relationship getting less sex than I would like, and for me, sex with random other people would be quite satisfying. This may be one of the general differences between the sexes though.
First, NO need to apologize. If I sounded offended - I was not. Just the inherent flaws of communicating with strangers through typed words only, I guess. It is easy get the wrong impression.

Having said that, please don't overreact to this next statement either. I would be VERY careful categorizing the "general differences of the sexes" on a community board like this. I mean, we are all here because we don't fit the mold, right?

I have actually found that my views on sex fit the stereotypical male far more than the female. And I don't think that makes me weird, I think it makes the stereotypes a crock of bull. Women love sex. We love it for the zing factor every bit as much as men. But we are brought up to believe that if we like sex the same as men that makes us "that kind of girl." Well, I am that kind of girl and proud of it! Oi, don't get me started on gender-typing.

Anyway, I will stick to my personal feelings and not claim to speak for all of woman-kind. I am a very aggressive lover and prefer passion to tenderness. I love a good snuggle, but it does not turn me on. In fact, being cuddly will pretty much kill my sexual buzz. For me, they are difference emotions and impulses. On the other hand, my DH is very much into tenderness during lovemaking. We had some awful times in our relationship trying to force our sexual desires to be completely compatible. And it almost destroyed our marriage. Accepting our sexual differences was very liberating.

Now, I am not saying that he and I never like sex together. We are very much in love and we do enough it. But monogamy, for us, would be like never leaving the house. We love our home, but we appreciate coming home even more after being away. And if we never left it would start to feel cramped and boring.

Okay, that is kind of a lame metaphor, but you get the idea. It is the best I can do after working a long day and still being awake at 11:18pm.

I kind of got off on a tangent here, but one other thing I did want to say is that I am not closed to the idea of some random sex occasionally, in fact I would like it for the more kinky elements of my sexuality. I have a domme streak that I would like to let loose, but I do not want that all of the time and I don't want to have a social relationship with my sub. But in general, I'd like the chance to enjoy the seduction a lot longer than I would get meeting someone online and heading straight to a motel.

And with that, I must go.
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  #20  
Old 02-12-2012, 07:11 AM
bassman bassman is offline
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Originally Posted by PolyInFL View Post

I have actually found that my views on sex fit the stereotypical male far more than the female. And I don't think that makes me weird, I think it makes the stereotypes a crock of bull. Women love sex. We love it for the zing factor every bit as much as men. But we are brought up to believe that if we like sex the same as men that makes us "that kind of girl." Well, I am that kind of girl and proud of it! Oi, don't get me started on gender-typing.
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