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  #21  
Old 02-12-2012, 12:25 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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My wife told her brothers and sisters and she got a very negative response. Then her mum suspected and asked her sister outright if my wife was having another relationship. Of course at this point she couldn't lie, so she told her. Still not sure of my wife's parents response to it all as they live far away and she hasn't really had a chance to talk it all through.

But then she visited my mum and told her that she is in another relationship. My parents took it really badly. They say they never ever want to meet him, that our amazing and inspiring marriage is going to be on the rocks and they don't want to watch it go down in flames and have to pick up the pieces. They totally and completely disagree and disapprove and they think I've been completely deceived into something destructive. They are absolutely devastated and hurt by it all...

On the positive side, they still say they love me...

I'll give them time and we'll see how it unfolds...
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  #22  
Old 02-16-2012, 01:47 AM
Tinkerbrat Tinkerbrat is offline
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I have not come out to my parents about the poly yet. I was in the lifestyle when I was married. My dad and step mom knew about that. I decided to bring it up when my ex was going through someone's photo album (after it became quite clear they were both lifestylers) and he sees a picture of my mother and father!!!! I kinda figured at that point we were on some even ground. lol

I have not told them about the poly. My step mom is really a "well you have never done anything the normal way anyway" and lets stuff go. My dad... well I just don't know that he would do well with it.

So I am kinda just going on the fact that the economy sucks and everyone is hurting for money and I am lucky I have great room mates. lol
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  #23  
Old 02-16-2012, 07:42 AM
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Hi5Awesomeness Hi5Awesomeness is offline
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After going through a divorce I got a place with my mom because she was the only one who could help me get back on my feet that was in the area so I could finish my schooling up. By that I mean we both got a place together, not that I moved into the basement of the place she was currently at Shortly after moving in I found out that two of my friends were married and were poly. I have since been in a relationship with T, my friends wife. Thankfully out of my parents mom is the more liberal one and with our cohabitation it became impossible to hide what was going on from her. She responded very well and really likes T. She tells me that she may not fully understand how we can do what we do, but she is happy that I am happy and found someone that loves me for who I am.

My dad on the other hand is pretty conservative, in fact still holds a grudge against my mom for cheating on him about two decades ago. He knows that I am seeing T, but not that she is already married. I do not know if I will ever be able to tell him the whole story. Thankfully he lives a good distance away so it will not be that difficult to keep the secret. Hell I think he is still trying to comprehend the fact that she is black and I am white, a product of his conservative upbringing I suppose. While it does kind of suck that I feel I can never be completely honest with him about it, I also do not lose any sleep over it. Maybe I never will, but I am happy to be living my life the way I want to.
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  #24  
Old 02-20-2012, 02:08 PM
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nouryia nouryia is offline
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Default To tell or not to tell...

Indeed, that's a tough one. I don't have any close relatives in town, so I don't have to worry about telling anyone really. My eldest child knows (she's 14) but my youngest (he's 10) hasn't really been told yet. My ex (their dad) does not know, as I think it might freak him out and cause me some problems regarding the custody arrangements we have. The ex is fairly religious and polyamory probably offends his moral sensibilities...

My current hubby isn't out to his family yet. Few know of his bisexuality and no one knows about the polyamory.

Now my boyfriend is more open, his family and his two live-in mates families all know about their triad. But they don't all know about me (well his dad does), or other SO's any of them may have who do not live with them. Better not push the envelope too far I guess.

I really hate that society is so judgmental. It's a bit suffocating having to hide a part of who you are all the time.
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Last edited by nouryia; 02-20-2012 at 05:50 PM.
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  #25  
Old 02-20-2012, 04:26 PM
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Nerdpower13 Nerdpower13 is offline
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I came out about being poly to my parents in December when my wife and I had a girlfriend who was living with us. We figured it would be easier than coming up with some story about why she was with us at Xmas and everything. It went almost the opposite of how I thought it would. My mom was okay with it as long as I was happy. My dad on the other hand was a big hypocrite. Apparently me and my wife dating a girl while we're married is wrong but there was nothing wrong with him cheating on my mom with at least 5 different women when they were married.
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  #26  
Old 02-20-2012, 11:20 PM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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That's the crazy thing Nerdpower - it is more socially acceptable to have an affair than to be poly. Go figure!
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  #27  
Old 02-21-2012, 02:44 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Default Coming out...or not.

The first person to "guess" that Dude was more than MrS's best friend was my LDR FWB MsJ (...and no, I have not been with her since being with him or she would have been informed so she could decide if she still wanted to play with me after I had played with someone other than my husband). All three of us were at a party at her (and Rube's house - they are married). Dude had his hand in my back pocket at one point - MsJ said "Get your hand out of her pocket, you're not sleeping with her..." (this after rejecting my amourous advances all night because her MIL was there...even if asleep).

Apparently Dude and I both gave her a meaningful look because her next comment, to me, was "How many lovers do you HAVE anyway girl?" (Dude and I were just starting out then, we laughed). She must have told our other mutual friends at some point because another friend of ours asked me a few months later if we made Dude sleep on the couch (the friend doing the asking doesn't sleep on the couch when he sleeps over but is not a FWB [although he would like to be]...we just have a big bed.)

My whole family has met Dude (introduced as MrS's friend) when he was at our house for 1/2 of our "family week" at my house - responses varied. One sister said that she wouldn't braid his beard (dwarf-style) until she had known him for at least a year .. Other sister's husband a few weeks later said that "LittleD" (their son - age 5) was curious as to whether Dude's mom knew that he was staying with us and whether "AuntJane" minded. My mother invited him to Thanksgiving dinner (without further questions) and my dad recently asked about him and commented that he didn't seem the type of friend that MrS would have as a friend (which is funny to me since Dude was friends with MrS for 1-2 years before I ever met him). My response to each was a laugh or a non-commital vague response to the effect that he was friends with both of us. My family doesn't tend to pry more than that (whatever they may think or surmise) - so now that it is an established fact that Dude is part of our lives they probably won't ask directly for any further details...

MrS's Mom and step-dad have met Dude (again presented as “MrS's friend”). Prior to this they, at one point, asked who he was (since he came up often in random conversation) but accepted whatever vague answer we gave and have not asked any further questions.

The way I see it, by the time we have to “come out” officially to our immediate family (a few years down the road if things work out) then they will have already come to the realization on their own that Dude is more than just a “friend”.

I, personally, am much more worried about getting fired from my job should the truth come out that I am about censure from my family. I won't engage in PDA's with Dude in the major (yet small) town in our area. I will go out to eat or go shopping with him. If we happen to run into someone from work I will introduce him as MrS's friend who is doing me a favor.
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #28  
Old 03-08-2013, 01:31 AM
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writingholiday writingholiday is offline
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Question Opening Up - Who Can You Tell? Friends, Family and Coworkers?

A little background:

My wife and I opened our marriage up about a year and a half ago. We started by getting involved in the swinging community and by giving each other "hall passes". We have since shifted away from trying to meet couples to play with together and more towards polyamory and having seperate and more involved relationships.

We've been very secretive about all this. The only people that know about our non-manogamy are other swingers and people we've met through online dating sites. My wife has since opened it up to one female friend, but that has been about it. None of our other friends or family know about this. My coworkers (here in the bible belt) are generally a pretty conservative bunch and a few of them have very loose lips, so I've been very reluctant to even hint at this to anybody from whom word can spread.

My problem is that there is a new girl at the office that I've become good friends with. We had a lovely lunch together today. Regardless of whether or not anything will happen between us, I would love to share this with her, just to have someone to talk to.

So my questions are:

Who have you told about your arrangement? Potential partners only, partners and close friends and family or everybody?

Have you ever experienced negative consequences from telling the wrong person?
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  #29  
Old 03-09-2013, 09:48 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by writingholiday View Post
So my questions are:

Who have you told about your arrangement? Potential partners only, partners and close friends and family or everybody?

Have you ever experienced negative consequences from telling the wrong person?
We are out to our close friends and potential partners only. Our families know that Dude lives with us but not the details of our relationship (although they suspect and I'm sure are figuring it out).

No negative consequences yet.

Quote:
Originally Posted by writingholiday View Post
... there is a new girl at the office that I've become good friends with. We had a lovely lunch together today. Regardless of whether or not anything will happen between us, I would love to share this with her, just to have someone to talk to.
If it were ME - I'd be very, very hesitant to do this. But then...I am a very private person and keep my professional/public life and my personal life completely separate anyway.

If you are just looking to have someone to talk to I would try cultivating friends OUTSIDE of work - hobby/interest groups, etc. (not necessarily poly related groups - although you could look there too).

Just my two cents.

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #30  
Old 03-10-2013, 06:34 AM
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Shannanigan Shannanigan is offline
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When I was in a long-term, heading-toward-marriage relationship, we were only out to our other partners for the first two years we opened up. In the third year, I began to open up to friends who didn't live in our city and who didn't have any connections to us to allow the word to spread around our community, and he eventually opened up to a highly trusted mutual friend of ours.

For the most part, people were more curious about our choices than negative. Since we've gone our separate ways, I've become openly polyamorous with everyone in my life, and he doesn't hide what our relationship was from anyone in his life or who knew us as a couple.
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