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Old 02-10-2012, 04:31 PM
zenlove1 zenlove1 is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 12
Default Searching for advice, experience sharing, poly or polyfriendly people, etc

Dear all,

I just wanted to share my experience with you.

If someone has a similar experience it would be great to hear about it, but even if not, it is still great to have found this space to share thoughts with people who will understand and sympathize (I have never met or talked to any poly before joining this forum).

Did I say ´share my experience´? I must have meant my lack of experience...

I have dated my girlfriend for 3 and a half years now. We love each other and the relationship has many good things (confidence, etc). Still, there is always something ´missing´.
After reflecting on it, I have found signs, almost evidence, that something like polyamory is what I need to find harmony in my affective and sexual life.

There is something in the background.
Before starting this serious relationship with me, my girlfriend enjoyed a quite active sexual/affective life. She, so to say, enjoyed her ´single life´ years in a way that ´prepared´her for engaging in a serious relationship and loving only one person.
I myself didn´t have such experiences. I had only one previous relationship but it was very serious from the beginning too and.. long story short, now I have a lack of ´single life experiences´behind.
A doctor I have met (for different reasons) said this lack of previous experiences probably accounts for my current ´unpreparedness´, my interest for other people, and my anxiety about moving forward into a more serious relationship with my girlfriend (living together, getting married, etc.)

Apart from that, there is this girl, a common friend of us. She caught my eye long time ago, before I started dating my girlfriend, then I apparently defined my feelings for that girl as just friendship... but over the last weeks or months she has reappeared and is continuously in my mind . The feeling is very similar to what I felt for my girlfriend when we started dating, 3 years and a half ago.

To make things worse (or better, who knows), my girlfriend accidentally came to know about this necessities of mine. She´s not angry, but has suggested me trying new things to "reactivate" the relationship/covering my lack of previous experiences with new activities and ´exercises´within the couple.

And then, not long ago, I was incidentally reading something about polyamory when the feeling popped up: what if what we are calling a "lack of single life experiences at the right time of my life" is simply a sign of my poly nature?

As a mental exercise, I imagined being in a poly relationship with my girlfriend and other people... and all the impressions were nice. Of course, I can´t be sure before I try but... that´s probably the problem. That´s why I have approached polyamory groups, found some readings, joined this forum, etc.

My girlfriend is most probably (I´d say 95% probability) a ´mono´ and will be shocked when I tell her about polyamory. She is very flexible in many things and loves me a lot so maybe she could feel compersion for me, even become interested in this ´new world´... but, as you know, polyamory is still a taboo in society and maybe I am asking her for too much.

What I want to suggest my girlfriend is that we remain a couple, continue doing the same things, go to live together, eventually get married, etc. but both being able to meet other people not only to have sex but also with the affective part and both having knowledge of what the other is doing (only, maybe not talking about it).

Let´s face it: there is a real risk that she dumps me when I open my mouth to tell her about this.
Anyway, since I find no alternative, I am now ´preparing´: I have approached the topic in recent conversations but...always in circles.

Maybe I should start by passing her some readings about polyamory (the concept of polyamory, overcoming jealousy, primary and secondary relationship degrees, etc). There may be some chance that she at least agrees to approach the matter with a flexible mind, since she has recently concerned (and reading books) about topics such as non possessive love, overcoming jealousy, preserving each one´s individuality within the relationship, etc.

I don´t really want to finish the relationship since we do have lots of things in common and love each other. But I probably should assume the possibility that she dumps me when I suggest her my meeting other people.
I don´t want to cheat her or leaving my needs unattended. Neither sounds to me like good ideas.

If you have had a similar experience it would be great to know.
Thanks a lot for reading

lots of love and harmony!


Last edited by zenlove1; 02-10-2012 at 04:45 PM.
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